Unsure of how to respond

atl86

When speaking with PWD on the phone, she has begun to ask me where I am and if various deceased relatives are with me. For example, she asked if my deceased brother was with me. I've been saying 'no,' but then she is worried about where they are and when they'll be back. What might be a better way to respond to these questions?

M1

At some point, telephones become difficult if not impossible for the person to use. My partner rarely talks on the phone now, i think it confuses her, and that may be happening for you also. I don't think she can tell who is on the other end of the cal!. I think I would just be light about it and say you don't know where they are or that you'll try to find out. She likely won't remember your response, so whatever reassures.

harshedbuzz

The general consensus here seems to be the fiblet and redirection ploy. PWD tend to kind of time travel because memory is often lost in a LIFO manner which means they tend to dwell in the past-- sometimes several decades in the past. If telling your LO your brother is dead would be like telling them all over again for the first time, it would be a kindness to answer with a fiblet (brother's busy with work, traveling, at the cabin fishing) and pivot to a different topic. Sometimes this is more easily done in person where you can distract by offering a sweet snack of some kind.

With my dad it was complicated as my sister's illness and death were a good 25 years prior and he was hazy on the details and would pose his question "Have you seen your sister? She's dead, isn't she?" until the very end of his life.

HB

atl86

Thanks for the responses. I visited yesterday and she asked me again if I had found my brother. I said yes, he was OK, and was working a lot. Then I changed the subject. That worked, at least for now.