The Weirdness of Stage Eight

gampiano · November 2023

Hello to everyone,

It's been awhile . I have been reading your posts and making a few hopefully helpful comments. My heart hurts for all of you, for us, and for our loved ones who have been stricken. We have all been stricken, that's for sure.

Just a few thoughts...

Its only been 3 weeks since Bob passed, but if you ask me to tell you what I've been doing, I can say "A LOT", but the sequence of things are just a blur. I've been alternating between surges of adrenaline, followed by complete exhaustion--kind of like care giving, lol, but with one big difference: I'm able to sleep , rest, meditate, drive, read, eat, and use the bathroom without looking over my shoulder, because i am accountable to no one!

Why is this weird? Because i've actually never been in this position IN MY LIFE! Don't get me

wrong, this is not a bad thing, just different. The possibilities are intriguing to contemplate.

But, this week we are having a funeral service; family members have their assignments, Grand children will be called upon to be "adults" as they read from scripture and honor their Grandfather. I'm hoping it will bring some healing , which brings me to this:

My close family members, even the ones who have been frequent visitors during these terrible times have the intellectual knowledge of my husband's disease, but the intimate, gut wrenching knowledge is mine. They want to remember the love story. So do I , but i haven't yet been able to get the images of the last 4 months out of my head. I became the "Enemy Jailer". There was no fond glimpse of recognition, and a lot of anger in my husband's eyes. Yes, i know it is the disease, but I also know that at the end, I was someone to "get away from". Our history is the love story, and in the end it became mine alone.

So for me, the healing is going to take a bit longer.

Today I went through the wedding album and cut out a beautiful image of the two of us and framed it, hoping the photo will help to erase the other pictures that pop up unexpectedly at random times. Isn't it ironic that i want to Erase a "short term memory"?

Speaking of erasing..

Today I purged the kitchen cabinets, and the pot closet, pared down and threw out, boxed up and re organized. Bought a small crock pot, and got rid of the 6 quart , bagged up groceries to take to the local food pantry. How many pot lids does one person require? I also brought unopened boxes of Depends and draw sheets to the local senior center. They were thrilled to have them, as they distribute those items to any and all who express a need, free of charge of course. That felt good.. paying it forward. One thing I don't want to forget is the kindness shown to me by friends, neighbors, and especially strangers. On any given day, it can be the small gesture of someone you don't know that gives you the impetus to carry on. There were many of those along the way, and they make me smile (or cry).

In one of my rummagings, going through closets and drawers, I found a small travel bag. Its the kind that unfolds to reveal several transparent zipper compartments. I used to keep one on hand filled with the basic necessities, sewing kit, dramamine, small sizes of fragrance and makeup. I was always ready to "go" in case a weekend adventure beckoned. This bag still has the tags on, it is unused, as I bought it the year COVID happened, and Bob was diagnosed.

I think it's time to re stock.

Thinking of you all,

Maureen

Jgirl57 · November 2023

Wow! That’s quite a post ! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience . Hugs to you and your family as you get through the service and here’s hoping you get to use the travel go bag soon!