How to handle social conversations with PWD

annie51

I am having a hard time with this and need advice or tips. When we're in social situations, my DH tries to say something and is not using the right words so it's difficult for someone else to understand what he's trying to say. Understandably, he wants to be a part of the conversation, but really can't comprehend when I or others around me are talking about other things. When he does try to tell someone about things he does know, like something we did today or about a trip we're going to take, etc, I tend to fill in the blanks and sometimes I end up probably making him feel slighted. Plus he'll repeat that same story over and over in the conversation. I don't know how to handle it - should I back off, let him talk, chime in just to fill in details?

SusanB-dil

Hi annie51 - For us, it depends on just what the situation is. Most, if not all, of MIL friends and family know of her limitations and diagnosis. When we do get together with them - and let me add, just a few at a time, or she would be overwhelmed - we do just let her speak what is on her mind. We all know it won't always make sense, but it's ok. All of us just know to nod or say 'well, isn't that something'.

MIL wouldn't remember any of the conversation, anyway, but I agree with Wendy Mitchell's book that she does remember how she 'felt' at the time. She will often tell us she had a nice time - not because of 'what' was said, but because of 'how' it made her feel.

ghphotog

Most of the time I think an intelligent person will figure it out but I know some have little cards they can hand out that "Dementia" or something like that.

charley0419

Thants not true as my DW cousin, who doesn’t know , while taking to her and my DW repeats a story she says “ what the F wrong with you you have dementia you told me that story “ I wanted to take phone away as I felt terrible for her , but no reaction at all I feel she has anosognosia.

Iris L.

YOU need to protect DW from DW's cousin. DW may not remember the nasty words, but she may very well remember being yelled at.

Iris

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/187942#Comment_187942

Well, that was just mean and wrong.

Joydean

Susan is right. If you are meeting with friends or family they should know and it is the way they are treated is important. There is only one couple of friends that we do anything with any more. We get together for a late lunch (when there is hardly anyone there) and sit and visit. My dh can barely get a few words out and sometimes I can’t even figure out what he is trying to say, but this couple just act like there is nothing wrong. So he always enjoys the time we are with them and away from the house.

harshedbuzz

@annie51

Probably the best thing you can do is set your DH to be as successful as possible in these settings.

Dad was formerly life of the party and one born with the gifts of an Irish story-teller. The need to be center of attention was not extinguished by dementia and he remained remarkably verbal until the end. He became more of a repeater of scripts and confabulator with no social filter, so we set him up to be successful by limiting who he interacted with. The scripts are mostly boring for others. Some of the confabulations (mis-recalled or false memories) were hurtful to those he accused including himself.

My mom limited their socialization to people who were close enough to be on a need-to-know list of those aware of dad's condition- mostly family but also a few close friends by the time he was in stage 5. Before that he'd been unfiltered enough to have offended most of the social circles, so this wasn't hard.

By stage 6, he struggled with conversations that included more than 2 other people. He just couldn't follow conversations at a family dinner-- even one as small a mine with 7 adults. We mostly visited solo or in pairs and we greeted him and interreacted with him first before paying attention to mom or each other.

In stage 6 his bids for attention often came in the form of asking questions-- he wanted to interact conversationally but couldn't really initiate or volley back and forth on topic. This was frustrating all around. What helped was using his question as a prompt to retell him the kind of story he used to tell himself-- mostly those about his youthful exploits and those of his mini-me daughter. He always enjoyed hearing about himself.

@charley0419

Wow. Does dementia run in your DW's family? If my elderly mom said something that unfiltered to someone, she'd be doing a MMSE and MoCA with her PCP so fast her head would spin.

SDianeL

I always let people know about my DH's Alzheimer's. They just listen nod and make comments. My husband is now confabulating. Making up stories. When that happened, I told our family and friends. My DH told my daughter that I gave my Step-Dad $9000 for his birthday! My daughter just smiled and asked him "where's mine?" LOL.

housefinch

My perspective is similar to @harshedbuzz . I think of dementia as an invisible disability like autism. Both my kids have autism and our son has normal speech and is intelligent & attends regular school classes. Our daughter has autism & an intellectual disability and within a couple minutes you can tell something is different. With our son, if I didn’t privately tell other moms at birthday parties or social events, they might think our son was sometimes being rude or insensitive, when he truly is trying his hardest and doesn’t understand social cues or how to phrase something in a nuanced way. It’s very hard to watch others assume the worst —which they will do—-if they don’t have good knowledge of dementia or, in my case, a close family member with autism.