Ex roomate who now lives with family but visits is showing signs of Dementia/Alzheimers

Razzizee

My ex-roomate is 68 and showing signs of either Dementia/Alzheimers. He had a cardiac problem about a year ago and finally after a year his heart issues are stabilizing. He no longer has A-fib, wears a heart monitor, but just recently got his HBP under control.

I started noticing the memory issues after his cardiac event a year ago and it has been noted by a doctor that on at least one occasion they thought he had vascular dementia. I do believe he does. He still comes over to visit each day for about 3 hours to see my dogs and hang out somewhere different than his family's home. He no longer works, and collects SS and SSI, and is on Medicaid.

I guess I'm struggling a bit with the symptoms because I've never experienced being around a Dementia/Alzheimers patient before, except for my Grandmother..which now that I think back her symptoms were similar.

Anyway, how do you handle their mood swings? One day he's fine, the next he's very worried about something...so I get worried and try to help fix it...the next day or even a few hours later he'll have forgotten all about what he was worried about? It is stressing me out, but now that I've read on here that it is fairly normal, I don't feel so bad. Although I'm still stressed. He's also got anxiety about me moving away, which I understand, but I was just a roomate and I guess he was attached. I almost feel like I should stay but I am not family and I can't really be his caretaker because I have to work to make money.

Anyway, with Medicaid, does he qualify for long term care somewhere and how are those places? I think it will be up to his family to decide things. However, right now his family some times go out of town and he hates being left alone..but then when they come back, he complains too. I can barely take anymore complaining, but is this normal?

SDianeL

Welcome. Your friend is lucky to have you. Yes, it's normal behavior for someone with cognitive issues. I would write down his behaviors and speak to his family about your concerns so he can be evaluated. They will need to get a referral from his Primary Care Physician to a Neurologist and Neuro Psychiatrist for eval. Here's a handout that helped me communicate my husband's behaviors to his doctors. I keep a running list of his behavior to update them monthly. Also if he is diagnosed, someone in his family will need to go to an Elder Care Attorney and get a DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney) and or a Medical POA so they can care for him. They need to do this ASAP after the diagnosis. Within just a few months my husband could no longer read & understand documents or sign them. Medicaid does have long term care if/when he qualifies.

harshedbuzz

@Razzizee

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

It sounds like you were roommates that developed more of a situational friendship rather than true besties. Did you have a relationship where you would remain cordial going forward but normally drift apart as the situation changed? Could it be that he had some romantic attachment or that he considers your place "home" rather than where he is now, or even that you somehow became his "preferred person" because you scaffolded for him before he got sick without even realizing? Could he have led them to believe that your relationship was more than roommates causing them to tread lightly around limiting visits?

Dementia can have some early losses that are driving this behavior. He probably lost the social filter and empathy that would kick in for a cognitively intact person which would cause him to understand the nature of your relationship, the fact that you might prefer him to ask first or limit his visits.

You are correct that his safety and care are not your responsibility but that his family should step take the legal steps to look out for him and keep him safe. They could be taking steps that you are unaware of. Or they could be in denial about what's about to hit them or in denial. It could be there is something of a symbiotic relationship where they provide room & board, and his income provides them a better standard of living. It could be they are allowing these visits to get a respite themselves from his anxiety and moodiness and using you as a caregiver.

I would assume family would be aware of the possibility of VD if you are. IME, doctors generally couch cognitive changes as "mental status change" or MCI rather than go right to the D-word. Further, longtime PCPs and non-dementia specialists are more unlikely to go there.

You're in a tough spot. It doesn't sound like you are interested in being a part of the person's care team. I understand that you might not know how to finesse this situation. If you discuss with a sibling or adult child, they may inform your roomie which could further upset him. Do you feel he's unsafe being alone when they travel or coming alone to your home? Is he/should he be driving? If you feel their care is not safe, you could contact APS. Be warned that their bar is pretty low for involvement in early stages.

HB