My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s

JudgeJudy

My mom was hallucinating so I made an appointment with a memory care doctor and they gave her a cognitive exam and a hearing test. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s so I made a decision to move her closer to her family out of state so I quit my job and moved closer to my mom’s side of the family. I was not prepared for this. She pees in her clothes and on the floor and the bedroom smells so bad. I’m also dealing with her packing food in her mouth before she swallows what she has. She will walk out the door and leave the door open like she doesn’t realize that she needs to close it.
I have turned into a drill Sargent, do this don’t do that. I don’t like who I’ve become and I need some advice. I’m struggling with the person that she has become. She cried over every thing. She keeps UTIs and I have to make her take a bath. She is always thinking bad things about everything. I used to wake up happy every morning but now I dread getting out of bed because I know the stress will start when I step outside my bedroom. She has become so nosy about our neighbors and I don’t like it.
If her breakfast is not ready she will grab granola bars or nuts instead of patiently waiting for me to cook.
I bathe her because she can’t and in fact she doesn’t do anything to help me out with and if she does it’s not good. I watched her wash a dish and it wasn’t even clean. I watched her fold clothes and she just rolls them up. I am getting overwhelmed because she doesn’t help me and I am so tired and she just looks at me.
Is anyone else feeling like this?
I am emotionally exhausted.

Pat6177

JudgeJudy, welcome to the forum. I hope you will find, as I have, that it is a great resource and a good place for support.

Just fyi, you have posted on the spouse forum. Which is fine but you might also want to take a look at the General Caregiver forum where there are lots of adult children caring for a parent. There is also now a specific forum for caregivers of parents. Go up to the very top, tap on “Discussions” and you’ll see these.

Everything you have described are common symptoms of dementia. And yes, there are ways of coping with it. But it is still hard. When my DH was first diagnosed, a friend told me that I was going to have to change because my DH couldn’t. Well, I was pretty irritated by that advice for a few weeks till I was able to see that as reality. Acceptance by the caregiver seems to be a big reliever of stress for the caregiver.

I don’t know if you have seen a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) or not or if you have any of the legal documents in place, especially a Durable Power of Attorney. A CELA, in addition to helping you get the legal documents in place, can also advise you on how to apply and get your mom on Medicaid. Medicare does not pay for custodial care and if your mom needs memory care, you may need Medicaid to pay for it. And if you moved from one state to another, you should get any legal documents checked to make sure they comply with your new state’s laws.

Read the book 36 Hour Day. There are a lot of practical suggestions in there.

You did not say if your mom is on any medications for the hallucinations or for the dementia. If not, you might want to check with her medical provider about meds, especially if she is still having hallucinations.

You may want to look into Adult Day Care in your area. It sounds like you could use a break. Is your mother’s family helpful? Are they willing to stay with her so you can get some time away from your mom?

i have learned most of what I know about dementia from this forum. Keep reading and posting!

trottingalong

I helped care for my MIL and now my husband, although he can still do a lot. Your mother is incapable of helping you, or even comprehending what she’s doing or not doing. Her brain is severely damaged. Has her doctor prescribed medications? UTIs are common and can make symptoms much worse. It was impossible to get my MIL into a bath or shower. I would bathe her with a washcloth.

I would suggest either looking into getting assistance in your home or think about placing your mother in a facility. It’s an insidious disease. I’m sorry you are going through this. There is also a group on this site for people caring for a parent. Someone there may have more suggestions as well.

M1

Welcome to the forum. You are describing advanced dementia, with incontinence and packing food in her mouth (inability to swallow) she is,at least stage 5 and probably 6. If you search there will be links to Tam Cummings' stages of dementia (someone else may provide you the link), and there are many threads about the different incontinence products like Depends. Certified elder law attorneys can be found by location at nelf.org.

Agree with the suggestions about memory care or adult daycare. If/when she qualifies for Medicaid, there may also be programs to get some help at home (because it's cheaper than institutional care), but these vary by state. You might also call your local Council on Aging for any available local programs for assistance.

terei

Agree with M1. Your mother is in an advanced state of impairment. She should be wearing depends + she may do better with showers if she is getting UTIs. Once her UTI is cleared up with antibiotics, I would put her on daily D Mannose to help prevent new occurances. If she is losing weight because of eating habits, she may even qualify for hospice which will help you with supplies + other support including meds. There is no reason you cannot get a hospice evaluation so you know where you stand.

karabee

I’m new to this site and new to my DH’s diagnosis. I am sorry to hear of your mother’s condition and the stress of your situation. The frustration and strain are so strong in your post. I recently joined a free online support group through this website. It’s really changed my outlook on this horrible disease and it’s starting to help me interact better with my DH. Your situation is far more advanced than mine right now, but previous commenters have really excellent suggestions. Also, to add to the pile: Altz.org has a 24/7 helpline for immediate assistance: 800-272-3900 if you find yourself unraveling. Your mother is no longer able to respond or act in the way you want or expect. It must be frightening for her too.