Completely Overwhelmed!!

Fleabug821

There’s so much I don’t even know where to start! My mom’s heath issues started in 2019. She was diagnosed with CHF and we have been to ER a hand full of times for that. Now she has stage III kidney disease. I’m assuming do to the meds she takes for her heart condition what I gather from the cardiologist. My 12 year older sister lives about 7 hours away which I understand it’s not easy for her to help much but she doesn’t help at all. My mom has dementia now but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. She thinks people are in her house and using her computer/phone when it’s just her watching tv actually. Some how she thinks it’s reality and there’s no reasoning. She’s called the cops a few times reporting this. She’s gone to both neighbors telling them this while I’m at work. I have a nanny camera on her but she pulls the wires from the tv/internet and I can’t see her. I live only a couple blocks away but I have to work. Her primary doctor finally is referring her to a neurologist but I’m not sure exactly how that will help. I google the heck out of everything trying to figure things out. I have 0 support from anyone. Her home needs so many repairs there’s not enough money to fix it & she’s a hoarder. I can’t even explain the things I’ve had to clean up and do at her house. I can’t hire anyone to come help her due to the way it is. My daughter and I have cleaned and thrown stuff away but it just goes back to the rats nest it was before. She’s not bathing & it’s hard to make her, she’s throwing toilet paper in the floor with poop on it, her soaking wet paper panties in the floor, peeing in her chair so much I’ve thrown I don’t know how many blankets away, while I’m running outside gasping for air so I don’t puke. Her last visit in the hospital was back in February 2023 where I explained the situation & begged them to not send her home to live alone. So they sent her to rehab for 120 days. I worked so hard while she was in rehab trying to find a nice assisted living facility for her so she wouldn’t go back to that house. I even took her on tours. I got down to paying the deposit but she wouldn’t go. Once she came home she refused home health and it’s been a decline since. I’m struggling trying to work 40 hours a week, take care of her needs, my home, my husband that is a complete narcissist and if my mom wasn’t in this shape I’d get a divorce, so no support there, my dog, & be part of my grown kids and grandsons life. (They are my world and my reason for existence) My blood pressure is high as heck now and I’m only 52! Which isn’t young but it’s never been like this. I feel like I’m worthless most of the time and I don’t do enough for anyone. My social life is nonexistent and the friends I do have left only hear my whining because my life is consumed with trying to help my mom. My sister and I have durable POA & medical POA but I’ve been told by a attorney that I can’t make her go anywhere unless I get guardianship. I don’t have the money to pay for that! She gets my dad’s pension which makes her not eligible for Medicare. I don’t know exactly how all of that works and I don’t know who to talk to without it costing me money. Everyone has there battles in life and I’ve had mine also but this one is killing me. I'm brain dead. I love my mom and it makes me so sad to see her like this or to think about putting her in a home. I hate that all decisions are left to me and I don’t even know what to do🤷🏼‍♀️I just want a rock to crawl under. I guess that’s just my venting because lord knows I can’t afford a therapist or have the time.

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JeriLynn66

Please call the Helpline. They can help you so that you can help your Mom.

Take that first step.. we’re here for you ❤️

Anonymousjpl123

@Fleabug821 first I have to say: relate, relate, relate. My moms situation wasn’t nearly as extreme as yours but the amount of stress her decline into dementia caused was exactly the same. so I’m very happy you found this board and posted.

I 💯 agree with @Victoria2020 about the hotline. It was my first call for help. They are excellent and you can call as many times as you need.

Its true, with POA I have learned it basically means you can act on your mothers behalf. But you cannot make decisions for her against her will. That’s guardianship. But there are ways you can force the issue. My mother and I have an enormously stressed relationship and I, too, am the only sibling involved. We were not a close family and she was not a great mother. That being said, here are some things you can do:

• tell her you can no longer take care of her, she’s not safe, and she has to move
• ask someone to call adult protective services. I’m not sure this is a good idea, but someone DID call APS on my mom before she moved (without me asking) and it did give me leverage
• keep having the heart to heart talks with her that she cannot stay alone
• reframe the move: instead of only focusing on “you have to move because you can’t take care of yourself,” add in some fiblets. “This is one of the top facilities in the country and we can only afford it because they think you are great.”
• engage your sister, even if she won’t do anything. At the very least she can talk to your mom to reinforce your decisions.

My mom was in total denial about memory issues and how bad things were getting. She wasn’t totally gone though. So we had ti do a bunch of things to make the move happen. It may feel like it will never end but it will. I’m only just now feeling like I have a minute to breathe 1.5 years after starting the process. You can get through this and you will.

FAHNJL

1. Take care of you.

2. If the attorney you talked to wasn't a Certified Elder Law Attorney, find one. A lot of attorneys hold themselves as experts in elder law, but they are not CELAs. I was amazed at the ways our CELA knew to navigate through and around a system designed to leave you confused and broke.

Let us know what's happening. We're all in the foxhole with you.

Fleabug821

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188236#Comment_188236

That’s awful! 😢 I’m doing everything in my power to help my mom. I’ve been with her though it all and continue to be. I don’t understand how I can’t make a decision for her to be somewhere she can be taken care of properly but then yet I can be held accountable for her not going. This is why I just shut down. People have no clue what all you do, have done and are doing but want judge you or think your an awful person. Thanks for your help!

Fleabug821

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188236#Comment_188236

That was awful! Thank you for sharing that horrible news clip. I love my mom and I have taken her to the hospital in hopes they wouldn’t send her home. I begged the rehab to tell me what I needed to do to keep her there. I got absolutely no help. I’ve begged her doctor along with my sister that she doesn’t need to be home. I’ve reached and trying to find someone to do the repairs for elderly. She doesn’t qualify domino much money. I’ve done everything I can think of trying to help so if someone wanted to change me with neglect…please do and throw ways the key! I’m to the point of I don’t even want to live anymore!

psg712

Please get help for yourself. Call 988 if you are seriously wishing to die! You are worth so much more than you believe right now, you are exhausted with being your mom's only help, you need support. I have not used the Alzheimers Assn helpline yet myself but many people on this forum have found it really beneficial. This is such a hard journey. We need each other.

housefinch

Please call 988 or a trusted friend or someone and tell them you are feeling this bad. You deserve to live a life in which you feel good. Right now I know things feel hopeless and THEY CAN FEEL BETTER. You and your health are the #1 priority right now. Please care for YOU first.

Fleabug821

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188242#Comment_188242

Thank you I’ve made the call and have done all of the suggestions. She has a doctors appointment today and if he won’t send her to the ER I will take her to get an evaluation and diagnose.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so glad to hear this @Fleabug821 . You’ve done A LOT. Please let us know how it goes.

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Amanda13Johnson

Oh this sounds way to familiar to me!! This is exactly what I'm going through too! My mom is a hoarder. The last 3 or so years have been rough, but I feel like it's getting rougher!
SHIPHELP.org is a senior health insurance assistant program. They are AMAZING at explaining Medicare stuff and making sure my mom is on the right plan.
My mom has to much money to get medicaid(state insurance).
I think a doctor can help you get guardianship somehow. (I am not for sure about this as I just got a diagnosis for my mom so I'm in the process of figuring it all out too)
But you have to take care of you!! I do virtual therapy because I also don't have time but virtually is amazing so look into that option. I think most places have evening time options. Sending you hugs!!!