Why is he talking all time?

Palmetto Peg

My DH was diagnosed with mild/moderate cognitive impairment almost three years ago. Over time his short term memory has basically disappeared, but he can still take care of his daily needs with some reminders from me. My question has to do with his constant talking to me - chattering really. He goes on and on about absolutely nothing, asking me the same things over and over, and is basically never quiet. Is this anxiety or just part of normal progression of the disease? He takes Lexapro and has Ativan to use as needed, and is on Trazadone to help him sleep. This endless noise is wearing me down. I can't read the paper, or a book, and driving him places is absolutely maddening. He is especially bad in the car for some reason. Any suggestions? I have lost patience once or twice and told him to shut up, which makes me feel terrible, but I need some peace! As always, thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and for trying to help.

Denise1847

Please talk to the doctor about some anxiety meds. I cannot imagine how you are coping. I am so sorry.

SDianeL

It's called chattering and it's because they are anxious and lose control. Medications may help.

PookieBlue

Palmetto Peg

   My DH also chatters frequently. Although It isn’t always constant. I don’t know how many times he has asked, Are we married? Do I have any money coming in? Are we staying here tonight? Do you know where Mom is? When do we need to be out of here? Where is everyone? When are we going home. Are we in the Army? etc, etc

   I can’t say that I’ve gotten used to it, and there are some days when I just can’t take much more of it and I tell him he’s annoying me. Then I’m sorry I did that. I do find that I have more patience if I was able to get in a couple hours of me time before he gets up. I stick as much to a routine as possible and play easy listening music like ‘Secret Gardens’ on Alexa. 

   When things get too annoying, I have him Vacuum or dust the dining room floor. Offer a jet bath or tell him it’s time to shower, Whatever it takes to distract him. He has a tragic disease and no one deserves that. I know that as this disease progresses he may not talk to me at all. I think of the Trace Adkins’s song, ‘You’re going to miss this. You’re going to want this back.’ It breaks my heart. This disease is just one sad loss after another so I try to take any wins I can and enjoy the humor that is his essence. It’s what we have now.

KathyF1

Peg, my DH is the same. Talks all the time. You’re doing good if you’ve only lost it a couple of times! I know, it’s so hard- impossible to think or do bills, absolutely wears on your nerves. All the time. I wish I had an answer for you. The only thing I’ve figured out is to get some time away. And- there are times that TV can occupy him and I get some time. Hang in there, this disease is so awful.

Jgirl57

Palmetto Peg, Yes, we are going through this now . I did bring my HWD/Alz to the doctor for UTI testing and it was negative so we upped the sertraline to 75. I am glad he is still able to talk , but this is endless chatter about everything and most is not true or correct ( his mother passed over thirty years ago) and his current “loop” is talking about going to clean out her house and get the furniture and money . We took a long walk today and I think the increased sertraline is helping. I am thankful for this forum !

GiGi1963

My husband chatters nonstop also. It is slowly driving me crazy. I have told him it is annoying and shut up to no avail. The car is worst. No escape! I made a Playlist of some of his fav songs. He would sing along. Sadly he is forgetting the words. Makes me sad.

Marta

Earbuds?

michiganpat

This post sure caught my attention! My husband also talks all the time and loops his stories. It drives me crazy. I try to find things for him to do such as vacuum to get some quiet time. He could use medication but would never take it. He has anosognosia and sees no problem. I am going to send a note to his doctor before his December appointment to get her advice. I wish I had an answer for you.

harshedbuzz

@Palmetto Peg-

I observed something like this in my parents' relationship as dad's dementia progressed. YMMV.

Each had a role in this behavior. Dad remained verbal-- even conversational-- until the very end. As the dementia progressed developed severe apathy and his short-term memory was such that he had no ability to be entertained for more than a few moments with books or even TV which meant he needed to be entertained. The combination of anosognosia and a complete lack of empathy (the ability to put oneself in the shoes of another) prevented him from appreciating the burden his disease placed on my mom. He was not only anxious and hypervigilant, but he also had little concept of time. It was an ugly combination.

For her part, mom was exhausted managing all aspects of their lives together. She was angry about his dementia; one was alcohol-related and self-inflicted in her mind. She was uncomfortable taking on the role of decision maker and working behind dad's back to keep them safe and solvent in the context of his paranoia. But more than anything, she was pained by this reduced version of the man she loved. He'd become helpless, needy, unfiltered, disheveled, allergic to soap and-- worst of all-- boring.

As a result, she used all those tasks they'd previously shared as an excuse to avoid engaging with him beyond hands on care and prompting. He craved interaction-- specifically her undivided attention. Other caregivers were not acceptable to him, so while she could take time away, she still had to do most of the hands-on stuff. Since his emotional intelligence remained intact, he sensed a cooling of her affection for him which made him more anxious and as a result, needier.

The leader of our local IRL support group suggested she "check-in" briefly with him several times an hour while doing other tasks. She initially resented having to interrupt what she was doing, but did find that proactively checking in with him gave her more control in the situation and helped him settle. Ultimately, this was an issue between them until he went into MC and she was able to just be his wife.

HB

PS Dad was real intense in the car as well. Normally, I took dad to his appointments. He (justifiably) didn't like mom's driving, so I used this as an excuse to give her a break. He had a couple doctors 45-60 minutes away and chattered the entire time-- often reading street signs aloud or claiming he owned random buildings we passed by.

Palmetto Peg

It is so good to know that I am not alone. I will speak to his geriatric-psychiatrist when we see her in a few weeks. I am especially worried about him doing it when I am driving. He insists on some kind of response, so I can't just tune him out. Now that I am doing all of the driving, I am driving places I have never been before, and I need to pay attention! He reads street signs and asks me if I have ever been there before, and comments on every pothole, etc. Hopefully we can get some pharmaceutical help for this - if not for him, perhaps for me! Thank you for all of the suggestions - I will try music in the car. He always loved Frank Sinatra, so maybe Frank can calm him down a little. Thanks so much, as always!

CStrope

Boy oh boy can I relate. I work full time from home, and some days his pacing and constant ramblings are extremely distracting. (I put a fitbit on him last week and he had 14K steps in a little over 6 hours!!!!) I agree, the car is the worst. Our daughter lives 4 hours away and that drive has become brutal!!! Last trip, I had just gotten my hearing aids. I put pod casts on that only I could hear in my hearing aids, and occasionally gave him a response to keep him satisfied. "Oh yes I see that, lets talk about that later, this is a nice day, not right now". It seemed to work!! I will definitely try this again next drive since he hates music on in the car, and yells about any podcast that I put on. I think the constant stimulation of the sounds make him even more anxious.

midge333

My DW does the same thing but as her dementia has progressed it has become less constant. I got the sense that the constant chatter was self-calming. A year ago, I have to travel to help my sister move. My son stayed with my wife and her constant chatter nearly drove him crazy in the 6 days he spent with her.

Janice Blair

I am glad to know this is normal myDH not only chatters .he is doing a lot of talking out to himself for hours. A bit frightening at first he is having lots of hallucinations. He sees invisible people in his glasses. He talks to people when watching tv He is so angry all the time and can't read the clock or work the microwave. Hates for me to help. He throws his meds away he thinks I am lying to DR because he has no memory loss.I am soglad for the post it makes find some comfort thanks

Palmetto Peg

Just a follow up on my post. Our geriatric psychiatrist suggested that I increase the Ativan by an additional half tablet when we are going on a longer car trip. We drove to my stepdaughter's for Thanksgiving, and the Ativan and surprisingly, Frank Sinatra on the radio, did help. He wasn't so agitated and fidgety which made the trip so much easier. Then, all the people, talking, eating, etc. just completely wore him out and he slept a lot of the way home. I called it a win, even though he still talks all the time at home. We take what we can get, right?

grady74

The wife always talked a lot, we will be married 50 in May, I learned to tune her out through the years! And it would be what did you want me to do? She would say I told you how many times, then I'd say, what did you want?! As far as in the car, I learned to take some CD'S, it keeps her quiet! Well here's a story! She can sing really well, she can get the notes above everybody else, We're going for a ride one day, and she had a CD going, and all of a sudden I hear this awful screeching sound, and I slammed on the brakes, and pulled over to the side of the road because I thought something happened to her, She was just singing Opera! I told her don't be doing that when I'm driving, we'll have an accident!

ghphotog

I know exactly how you feel. My DW is very rarely ever quiet. I rack my brain all day trying to interpret what she is saying and she always expects a response. Been that way for years. Some days it's more annoying than others but always the same.

mrahope

OMG! Just took a 4 hour car trip with my DH for Thanksgiving and thought I would lose what's left of my own mind from the constant talking. Even music on in the car (his favorite) didn't stop it. Like a faucet that's broken and water that flows continually no matter what you do. Where's a plumber when you need one? <kidding>

l7pla1w2

[My first post!]

DW is memory-impaired but otherwise seems okay. She can take care of daily living activities by herself, although sometimes I have to prompt.... I first picked up on symtoms, trouble with paying bills, in 2019. Interestingly, our neighbor whose father had Alzheimer's noticed the symptoms, too, possibly even before I did. DW doesn't think she has a problem, which I understand is anosognosia. I came to the realization DW doesn't remember that she doesn't remember.

(I'm "lucky" that I have a stable of friends who have or have had first-hand experiences caring for someone with Alzheimer's. Each story is different, of course, but they're all sympathetic and understanding. Sometimes they're able to provide useful suggestions.)

DW and I have desks in our study. DW used to be extremely well-organized. Now her desk looks like a tornado hit the file cabinet. There are papers all over it. She cuts out snippets of emails. She cuts out nice nature pictures. She has a month-at-a-time calendar on which she both writes appointments and Scotch-tapes some of those snippets to it.

It's nearly impossible for me to concentrate on anything if I'm in the same room. DW will ask me about what's on this piece of paper or that, multiple times, before getting distracted by a different piece of paper and asking me about that one. The questions are usually not new, so I rattle off the answers while only half listening, but it is exhausting. Her short-term memory can probably be measured in seconds.

I usually go down to breakfast before DW does, and I'm flooded with dread if I see she's come into the kitchen with her calendar. She doesn't remember what day, date, month, or year it is a lot of the time, so she looks at a calendar entry and asks whether it has happened. Or she'll rattle off entries as if to remind me, although probably more to remind herself, however briefly. I can recite what's on the calendar without looking, because I made the appointments.

The constant din is exhausting. It's like Chinese water torture or being pecked incessantly by a flock of birds. It's terrible to say I often hate being in the same room with her. I have to go to another room at some point.

I guess I'm sympathizing with others and venting, but I would welcome coping strategies.

M1

Welcome to the forum. My partner fussed with papers a lot too, but we didn't have desks in the same room. Any chance you could come up with an excuse to change the arrangement? Maybe some excuse about internet connection being better in a different room?

A caution there about letting her continue to have internet access, you suggest that she does if she still has email. At some point you'll probably have to curtail that too, as she will be susceptible to scammers. One option would be to change the WiFi password, but it's tricky. I was lucky that my partner was never very computer savvy and gave it up pretty willingly. But only after I came home to her giving "Microsoft" access to her hard drive, she didn't recognize the phone scam for what it was. I had to watch carefully for her to not repeatedly pay old bills that she would pull out.

The repetition is very wearing. She may be "shadowing" you too-our partners get very used to using as as scaffolding to keep their crumbling world in order, and it is very very wearing. Any possibility you could get her enrolled in a day care program so that you could have some breaks? That never worked for us, but others have had success with it. Or maybe there's a way to wean her away from calendars. Im not sure what it would be, but as this year comes to a close maybe there's an opportunity to not get one for 2024?

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190141#Comment_190141

Email is a sore point. DW gets quite a few messages a day, but she doesn't look at her laptop often enough and says she never gets email. I have to prompt her. I just pruned her inbox from 4500 messages to about 700. Anyway, she gets indignant if I get email instead of her, especially from her sister. "Why are they writing you, not me." I'm keeping an eye on important stuff, and I'm trying to unsubscribe her from senders she doesn't need, like political parties. So far (something I probably say a lot), she hasn't gotten herself in trouble, although she did almost respond to a scam email: Fill out a survey and get a free iPhone 14. We have Caller ID, and we let most calls go to the answering system, which cuts nearly to zero the calls that need to be answered.

The only way I can imagine weaning DW from the calendar is if I say I'm taking over, and that I'll tell her when she has appointments. In a sense I have done that, but I hesitate because I want her to feel she still has some agency in her affairs. She has always been organized, dependable, and punctual, and her instinct to be that way remains, even if the ability doesn't. Each morning she says, "What am I doing today?", and the answer is often some appointment on the calendar. Absent that, there's a lot of time to fill.

Regarding a day program, I want to start a separate topic (coming soon). DW is bored, and I had hoped to find some day program she would like. I tried one, and she didn't like it. More later.