Coping tips?

JC5

I understand the shadowing, but how do you handle it? DH will follow me into a room and sit and stare at me then look at something else in the room then me again and back and forth and not saying anything! It’s driving me crazy! I get it, I understand the reasoning behind it but it just gnaws at me. He won’t do anything around the house. When asked he says I will and it never happens. When I remind him or ask again I get the same answer! I could literally put the garbage bad in his hand to throw away and he says I don’t want to it now. If anyone has any coping tips I’d love to hear them. Tks

SDianeL

Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" - it was recommended by a nurse. They shadow you because they are anxious and "lost". Communication is difficult for them. They can't think of words. It's not that he "won't" do things around the house, it's that he doesn't understand the need or remember the steps to do simple tasks. The best coping tip I learned on this forum. You can't reason with someone whose "reasoner" is broken. That changed my expectations of him. I just quietly do things myself and take any wins that come along. Sometimes my DH will do the dishes after breakfast and sometimes he forgets or forgets how to do them. My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago with Alzheimer's-Posterior Cortical Atrophy. I am mentally & physically exhausted most of the time. Do you have family that could help around the house or could you hire someone to come help? This terrible disease is terrifying & heartbreaking. Learn all you can about the stages of the disease and what to expect. That really helped me. Here's a handout that helped https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

ghphotog

My DW has been shadowing my every movement for the last year, maybe two now. They all blur together.

Not much you can do but adjust to it and try not to let it make you go off the rails on the crazy train.

KathyF1

If it’s any consolation my DH is exactly like yours. And yes it drives you nuts. I tell people, it’s torture. Yes I know it’s the disease, but it’s still torture. I think the only help is to get friends to come spend time with him. That helps me.

Howaboutnow

I wish i dealt with the shadowing better but it drives me BONKERS. Of course the disease causes it, nonetheless it is suffocating and often unbearable. Side effect….i find it hard to concentrate on anything. If I’m dealing with something new, trying to figure something out..the constant presence of someone watching just feet away, i just can’t do it…feel like i will crawl out of my skin.

Tips? Lock the bathroom or bedroom door when you are getting ready for the day so you can breathe. Get outside for a walk alone..even if you have to get up before your LO does so you can go. If possible, have a friend or family member take LO on an outing so you can be in your home in peace (i dream of that), or again, if possible, have a caretaker come to your home so you can get away. For me, that’s not relaxing because i have to figure out what to do in that time,,,I’d much prefer being home alone.

My LO will not watch tv or do anything alone…so activities that could preoccupy him simply do not work.

Here, this shadowing has been going on for a couple years with increasing intensity. I’ll be anxious to read others coping mechanisms. Wishing you the best.

JC5

Wow! So appreciate your responses! It tears at my heart to see him like this and I need to reach out more to my family! Thank you. I know I’m not the only one dealing with this!

ImMaggieMae

I’m the shadower rather than the shadowee. My husband needs to be watched so he doesn’t fall and hurt himself. He is no longer capable of doing tasks around the house and uses a walker. I don’t know how much time I’ll have with him, hopefully years, but so many members have lost spouses unexpectedly around here and he is stage 6. I don’t want to miss the time we have left. That said, we do have a caregiver for 4 hours 3 times a week which gives me time for grocery shopping, bill paying and endless phone calls regarding insurance and his care. It also gives me time to answer emails and sometimes just catch up on sleep.

He does drive me crazy sometimes, but it’s the disease, not him. I feel so bad that he is going through all of this. I try to make his life easier.

Katielu

Hi all.

I was going to loose my mind with the shadowing. I tell my DH I am going to shower, I go in the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the water, the. I sit a read for 20 min. I turn the water to hot, jump in, get wet, get out and go from there. ( probably don’t need to pretend to shower, he doesn’t see me wet. I do this in the evenings when I need a break. I take a real shower in the morning, but he doesn’t remember the shower the night before. No harm, no foul. He is ready for me to come out of the bathroom, but I am a much better caregiver, having had that break!

ghphotog

My DW has been shadowing me everywhere and I mean everywhere. Drove me nuts for a long time. Guess I'm getting a little used to it. I can't find solitude even in the bathroom. If she doesn't know where I am every second she starts calling for me and many times with hysterics. She terrified to be alone even for a few minutes and sometimes seconds.

It's crazy but a some point it's similar to living next to train tracks. The train rumbles by but we don't pay attention to it anymore. The stress is still there and the damage continues but we don't notice as much until we do then it's insane again for a while. I guess.