Mother-in-law very upset this morning

SBGal

Thank you in advance. As this is all new to us, I may use this platform to vent! I have been reading posts here, and realize how hard this can get, and we are just in the beginning.

Waking up this morning at MIL's home, I found her already up and crying hysterically. As in like couldn't catch her breath kind of crying. I asked what was wrong. She said my DH was looking for a bill to pay and had left a 'huge mess'! (He had already left for our own home). There were papers strewn all across her counter. A bit of a mess but nothing too bad and I told her such. I proceeded to gather them up into a couple of piles. Told her it's not a problem if we can't find the bill that we can contact the company and pay. She kept going on about being charged a Late Fee etc. Again, I said not a problem, we will just pay it. I told her I need to take a shower to get ready for work. (FYI - DH does a really good job of collecting any mail that we need to keep or pay, but sometimes MIL gets to them first and stashes them away in any number of places. Most everything is coming in online also.)

After my shower I looked in on her and thought she had calmed down. I was getting ready in the bedroom when she appeared in the room all upset and sobbing about these bills! I went back out to the counter and the papers were all strewn about again (ugh!) I proceeded to collect them all again, put them into a cabinet, and threw out some of the out of date mailers, etc. That got her more agitated and she wanted to check what I was throwing away and make sure that her address was not on anything thrown out (one of her rules/habits). I was calm and told her to take deep breaths and to sit on the couch, but she wouldn't stay there. Finally, I said that I have to leave to go to work - "Don't worry, it will all be fine", and I left.

When I got home, I asked DH about what he had done before he left her home, figuring there was an argument between the two. He said he was quietly looking for the bill and couldn't locate it but told her he could pay it by calling them and left her house. He said he was calm, and she wasn't upset when he left. He said it was her who had strewn out all the papers, probably looking for the bill herself! DH had already contacted the company and paid the bill over the phone. I called MIL once I got to work to let her know and she seemed to accept that.

I think I need to improve my "Distraction" skills. Can anyone suggest some pre-planned distractions you use?

 

 

 

 

 

DCCEPEK

I have my Mil as well and every day is different.

No rhyme or reason to nothing. Terminal agitation is real. Constant reassurance of safety is helpful but it always be something. I highly recommend " the 36 hour day" it will help you tremendously understand and deal with any issues you'll be facing. It's a journey for all involved. We're in ladder stages and delirium is our battle. Fiery fits of rage never end. Praying my husband will allow meds to help

SBGal

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/188592#Comment_188592

Thank you! I will look into that book.

Emily 123

Hi SBGal,

So from your other post--you and hubby live down the street and stay with MIL every night because she's afraid to be alone. You've been doing this since just after FIL's death earlier this year, and an attempt to move into the in-law suite in her home, where you'd at least have a closet and some separation, led to her having a melt down because she felt that it was too far away from her. That was fairly soon after FIL's passing, and you've been afraid to broach it again.

Honestly, it might help to discuss her anxiety with her healthcare provider, who can prescribe something or adjust current meds. That hopefully will allow you to at least move to the in-law suite.

Some of her anxiety is likely related to the changes of not having her husband present as well as having you there. Routine is key in helping the PWD get through their day. With your FIL she may not have felt the loss of her abilities too keenly. Now everything is different, some things in the home may not be where she expects them, or the daily schedule feels 'off', and she's struggling to keep on top of things. It may be this sense of responsibility that's feeding the anxiety loop, and that can be hard to divert if there are reminders around-- In this case, she had those papers that kept drawing her in.

It sounds like you're being vigilant about intercepting mail, but since she's stashing things (and probably forgetting about them) could you get all her paper bills rerouted to your mailing address? And avoid them in conversation? i.e., don't even mention looking for an unpaid bill that she used to be responsible for. For my mom it was her taxes until I finally removed all her file folders and told her she had paid them. Often it's those kind of normal everyday things that get the wheels spinning.

Another issue here is that she may be tipping into the 'unsafe' territory of dementia if she's home alone during the day. I know you don't want to hear that. But if she accidentally left a dishtowel on a hot burner, could she rescue herself? Call 911? Know if it's a scammer that calls and says they're from the bank?

Sorry you're in the club, but glad you made your way here...

psg712

Agree with the suggestion to have her mail forwarded to your house. My mom had immense piles of junk mail everywhere, "paid" a lot of political and charity and also bogus solicitations, but would lose her power bill and then get cutoff notices. She was extremely angry with me when an unsuspecting mail carrier tipped her off that her mail was being forwarded...but it saved her money and solved the actual unpaid bill situation. And although I got calls from faraway relatives who heard from her that I was controlling her money, it was worth that minor hassle. She doesn't remember it at all now.

M1

I think I agree with Emily that she does not sound like she should be left alone during the day. Do you have power of attorney for finances and healthcare? It sounds like you and your husband have bent over backwards to accommodate her wishes, when in fact she is not capable of rational decisions. You may have to risk her anger and make decisions on her living arrangements based on safety, and not necessarily on what she wants. She may benefit from medication for anxiety, but this goes way beyond a medication issue only from the sound of it. You and your husband need and deserve a situation that is sustainable for you and your marriage. Very hard, but you can't let her drive this ship, so to speak.

Your experience of discovering that her dementia is more advanced than you knew is pretty common. Many times the spouse provides a lot of scaffolding and support that was propping her up, and only when that is lost does the family realize the true extent of the impairment. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but the current arrangement does not sound practical or sustainable. It's unlikely that you all are going to be able to appease her and cannot let her make the decisions.

SBGal

Thank you ALL for your comments and analysis!

Her doctor has prescribed some anxiety medication just recently. She takes at night but we're still evaluating if it is helping.

As I said, my husband is trying get the mail sent electronically. We have tossed mail items that we don't want her to ruminate over. Your suggestions have inspired me that we could do more to sort, move, or discard a lot of paperwork that is around. She is very good about the phone - if she doesn't recognize the caller ID, she doesn't even answer and knows there are scammers. I believe my husband has POA and there is an Advanced Directive, but I will double check.

She is really in good health and physical shape at 84 and no longer drives. We haven't (yet) seen any concerning safety worries, like leaving a stove on, etc. She is very diligent about not leaving heat on, making sure doors are locked when she leaves the house (very OCD actually about these things). She could call 9-1-1....but she could also call one of us first if there was an emergency.🤔

We just started having a home health agency come to the house to do some physical therapy for her hand. We plan to let them know that we are interested in continuing the visits beyond the therapy needs. She is so lonely and bored during the day. Her best friend takes her out 1-2 days a week for lunch, and social events occasionally. I drop her off at church on Sundays, and another parishioner usually will bring her home. But I have been a bit shocked at her other friends not coming by or calling more often. And she will not reach out to them. She is really relying on my husband and I for her social activity or to get 'out of the house' now. 

M1

Medicare will not cover home health care except short-term, and it is very expensive to pay out of pocket ($30-35 an hour would not be unusual). You definitely need to review the POA documents, there are different types; some require a doctor's statement of disability in order to be invoked, and some do not. Truly may be worth your while to have all this reviewed, and to determine whether she has the finances for memory care (also very expensive) or might need to plan for long-term Medicaid qualification. If your husband does have POA, he does not have to have her consent to change her living situation. You may have to use an excuse or fiblet, as they say, such as that one of the houses needs repairs.

A lot of people with dementia withdraw from former friends as the disease progresses, and vice versa. She may be sensitive about not being able to keep up with normal conversations, and old friends may shun her for the same reason or for being unsure how to handle her.

It's a lot to process. She is lucky to have you guys looking out for her.

Emily 123

Hi SBGal,

This is a little long but was helpful for me in terms of understanding how the world was starting to seem to my mom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

My mom and I would go out for lunch and when I watched this I realized that I was still forcing her to make decisions and have conversations that were based on short term recall, when that ability was disappearing. It clarified for me why friends dropped by the wayside--the PWD loses the ability to follow a regulary paced conversation and remember references to recent events, and it becomes work on both sides to keep the conversation rolling.