Keeping an eye on mom

mpang123

Mom, 82, is showing more signs of her dementia. She is already stressed out trying to take care of dad who also has dementia. Her memory is getting worse. She can't drive anymore because she don't remember where she wants to go. She misplaces things all the time. Today she forgot her keys and would have locked herself out if I wasn't there with her. I have a second pair of keys. She knows she is getting worse but I try to suggest to her about planning for the future when both she and my dad needs more help. Both my parents have advanced directives. Their property and assets are going to my nephew who is the beneficiary. My dad is in palliative care and a hospice service is chosen and set aside for him. But my mom doesn't have a plan about how to take care of her when she gets more sick. She says she doesn't want to think too far. That she just wants to enjoy her life living in the present. I told her if she needs to go to AL/MC/NH, she will need to use her assets to pay for them. I guess I have to wait until that time comes and make the financial arrangements. Everything is a waiting game.

M1

Have you consulted with a certified elder law attorney about their financial planning? Do you have power of attorney? Those issues are probably more pressing than advanced directives. Have you considered memory care for both of them?

mpang123

M1, my mom has a lawyer friend who set up the financial statement for my nephew to become the beneficiary. But that's only after my mom passed. I don't know what to do while both parents are still living and needs financial planning for MC when the time comes. I'm disabled and can't afford CELA. My mom refuses to plan ahead. I can apply for medical POA for my mom but not my dad because of his advanced dementia. But is it necessary since both parents have DNR orders? I need more info about POA in general. Who could be appointed and what it covers and how to start the process. I can't be the beneficiary but can I be POA? Sorry, just lots of questions... maybe I should speak to my mom's lawyer friend if my mom lets me.

M1

Yes, power of attorney allows you to make decisions on their behalf while they are still alive and has nothing to do with their will or their DNR status/advanced directives. You definitely need it. Cost of a CELA would be paid from your parents' assets, not yours. I would not rely on the lawyer friend, and you should not need your mother's permission: although it's hard to break the pattern of deferring to your parents, you are the one who now needs to make the rational decisions. Their assets need to be used to care for them while they are alive, and nothing should be based on wanting to preserve an inheritance for this nephew/your cousin. There are others here more legally savvy than i, perhaps they will chime in.

mpang123

My mom refuses to pay for any help/service. I can't afford it myself. Maybe when she gets worse she will realize she needs help.

mpang123

M1, you said I don't need my parents ' approval. How will I get my parents information without them knowing?

harshedbuzz

If your mom won't give you POA, you're going to need guardianship. When my aunt obtained guardianship of her sister, attorney and court fees were paid by the sister. Your county legal aid or agency on aging may be able to confirm this for you.

Can you contact mom's doctor behind her back and alert them to her cognitive shift? A patient portal is great for this. If mom included you on their HIPAA form, the doctor can communicate with you otherwise it's a one-sided conversation.

HB