Switch Neurologist ??

GobDin

I just took my mom to her neurologist. My mom got so mad and upset when she heard us talking about her having dementia. So he put his hand on her shoulder and said when you get to be 75 or so, your memory starts to get bad. I think this is totally the wrong way to handle this. Especially with my mom who says she just has normal aging memory and is better than most her age. This just feeds into her belief that she doesn’t have a problem and especially not dementia. Shouldn’t the doc tell her what she has? Is it time to switch doctors or is this commonly handled this way?

Emily 123

Nope, this is usual--you go with the reaction of the person with the disease. If it upsets them then it can be 'memory issues', if they even realize they have a problem.

There is no cure at this time, and it is a progressive, wasting disease.

Some people are still at a point where they have the capacity to understand the diagnosis and can help plan their future care. But often by the time your loved one gets their diagnosis they won't have the capacity to recognize that they're affected (anosognosia) or even remember their diagnosis later. Or it may just scare them, understandably.

If that's the case then it seems unkind to force them to comprehend the grim reality of their diagnosis just because we want them to.

My mother had forgotten our discussion with the neuropsychiatrist by the time we got to the parking lot. We just go with 'foggy memory'.

Jeanne C.

I agree with Emily. Assuming you have POA, you can and should have a more meaningful discussion with the doctor. I'm grateful now that my husband has no understanding of his diagnosis. His rare moments of clarity are brutal for both of us - we've both shed tears when he realizes that he's having cognitive problems. I'd rather he be blissfully unaware rather than dwelling on something he can't do a thing about. I also think it's a good thing that he likes his memory specialist and feels that she's on his side. It helps get him to willingly go to appointments (and I'm not above saying "Alex said..." to get him to comply with meds). But that's just my opinion - you definitely need a provider you're also comfortable with.

Quilting brings calm

My mom and stepdad have never reacted to hearing the word dementia- it’s as if they no longer understand what it means. The doctor has said the words to them multiple times and they don’t even blink. So we no longer discuss it. It’s ‘memory issues’, and ‘people have that as they get older’. What good will it do to upset them - they can’t be fixed.

M1

Welcome to the forum GobDin. Like you, i thought that hearing the diagnosis from the doctor would be important for my partner and help her understand and accept it, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You should become familiar with the term anosognosia, it's a frequent feature of dementia in which the person truly can't appreciate the deficits and therefore thinks they're fine. So it sounds like the neurologist handled her appropriately. Unfortunately they really don't have a lot to offer therapeutically, sometimes a geriatric psychiatrist can be more useful.

harshedbuzz

@GobDin

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you found this place.

When I saw your post's title, I assumed that you were upset that the neurologist did tell your mom she had dementia/Alzheimer's as that is the more common complaint. Most family caregivers and POAs would prefer the PWD isn't told.

At the end of the day, it probably wouldn't matter except to potentially upset her and possibly make it hard to get her to attend appointments going forward. Even if she knows on some level that her memory isn't what it was, she likely has some degree of anosognosia and is unable to appreciate how impaired her memory is or recognize the other losses that come with dementia around executive function, reasoning skills, visual processing and reaction time.

That said, because of one of dad's mixed dementia diagnoses requiring an abstinent lifestyle, he was told. It made no difference to him early on because he thought he was just dandy. We were fortunate the doctor told him he wasn't allowed to drive or manage his investments; so we didn't have to be the bad guys. I think mom needed to hear it from the doctor because her denial was robust. We still did battle over the driving until a few weeks before he died.

Sadly, the anosognosia means you will needs to employ work-around like fiblets to keep mom safe and cared for.

HB

GobDin

Thanks everyone with your responses! I feel so much better having you!

The huge problem is she lives by herself. She will not pay for anyone to come in and help since she says she does everything fine. Doc trying to take her driving privileges away. Well if she is told that she only has normal memory problems, that does not go anywhere. Of course she doesn’t even remember the appt. I told the doctor that I heard he is supposed to submit the driving issue to the motor vehicle department.

He filled out the form but gave it to us to complete and send in. My mom said she is going to get a lawyer.

I have begged her to go in assisted living. She needs help with her meds and she has peripheral artery disease which she is supposed to exercise. She doesn’t do any unless I am there to push her. She says she is not leaving her home and she would rather die. She is so stubborn and hard headed. Always been that way, just so pronounced now.

I truly feel like that meme where the man is trying to mop up the ocean as the waves splash on the shore.

M1

So difficult. If she will not give you power of attorney, you may need to pursue guardianship, which is more costly. But she has been told to quit driving and persists, she could lose everything she has. You need to get with a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org) asap.

Anonymousjpl123

I agree with@M1 and others. If your mother is this stubborn you may need to pursue guardianship. One other thought is if you visit some AL facilities (make sure they have Memory Care, as well, and that you visit some of those too). It may help you just to see what’s out the window, but also taking to the staff.

Finally, are there any other family members or friends or hers you trust? It may help to have a few allies in this with you, although strongly suggest they be people who you know will not discuss it with your mom without you.

I have noticed it’s sadly often a “crisis” that forces the decision, but you can lay a lot of the groundwork in advance. Welcome and I hope this all helps!

harshedbuzz

@GobDin

I agree with @Anonymousjpl123 regarding waiting for the other shoe to drop. My dad was resistant to an evaluation and my mom was in complete denial that one was needed. I crafted my first Plan B to be implemented if I had an opportunity. When the first shoe dropped, I knew where to take dad for an evaluation and transported him to that ER (3 hours away near me) when he had a psychotic episode. He was admitted, treated for the ARD and turfed to a SNF for 7 weeks while I moved my parents to an apartment near me and got the legal stuff taken care of.

Once that was done, I created my second Plan B while waiting for the second shoe to drop. I toured a dozen MCFs for dad's possible placement should mom become unable to care for him at home. When the time came, he was in MC within a few days.

I agree with @M1 regarding a geriatric psychiatrist. Ours was the most important member of dad's care team after mom. And dad really enjoyed his appointments, so getting him there was easy.

If a PWD shouldn't be driving, sometimes it's best to disappear the car as it is a visual trigger. IMO, sometimes family focuses on the totems of driving which is kind of pointless. A PWD may not recall or care about being legality and drive anyway. You might burn through any good will wrestling keys away only to find they have another set stashed somewhere. The thing that works is making the car go away. This can be tricky if you aren't POA/guardian, so best to get that done asap. Sometimes, families will "take it to the dealer because of a recall and have to wait for a part from China". If mom's a giver, maybe she could "loan it to a grandchild who wrecked theirs".

HB