My mom has dementia that recently got a lot worse

fireflyaz

My mom was recently diagnosed with dementia and had been showing symptoms for a couple years. Minor memory issues and forgetting keys and her phone and things like that. It has progressed so quickly over the past few weeks and she is now scared to be alone. She lives with her husband who has taken good care of her but she is getting angry and sort of mean to him. He’s exhausted and struggling emotionally. She keeps packing her car and saying she’s going to leave him and she will drive 30 miles to my house and say she is mad at him and she wants to leave. I tried to make an appointment with an elder care lawyer to get any and all info but they won’t see me until I have POA for my mom. I don’t know how to do that or if it’s even my place. I feel like my brothers and I don’t really know her life with her husband. It’s so awkward to figure out who should do what. Should I be the POA or should her husband? Who is responsible to pay for care? I can’t afford to pay for it. Is she eligible for Medicare? I literally have no idea where to start. I know I’m losing my mom and I feel so scared and alone.

dancsfo

@fireflyaz. Welcome to the forum. This must be difficult.

A sudden progression in dementia is possible, although such changes may be attributed to urinary tract infection, which you may want to get checked for, as well as a few other causes. With regards to your legal and financial issues, others with more knowledge than me may be able to answer. I have a gut feeling there's a lot more info that's needed to be disclosed, such as you mom's age and financial status for Medicare and/or Medicaid. If an elder care lawyer can't see you know, perhaps you can start with social services or the Alzheimer's Association's hotline (look for their phone number on home page)

https://www.alz.org/blog/alz/october_2011/sudden_change_in_behavior_urinary_tract_infection

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/sudden-worsening-of-dementia-symptoms#causes

M1

Welcome to the forum. Two thoughts: have you had a serious talk with her husband about your mom and what he thinks is needed? Seems like that's an obvious place to start. You also need to know if he has POA for your mother, its not automatic that the spouse has it,and in fact no one may hold it currently. Doesn't make sense that the attorneys wouldn't see you without poa since that is what you're seeing them for in the first place. Look for certified elder law attorneys at nelf.org.

Second thought: no way should she be driving. Very, very scary. You need to find a way to disable or disappear the car. This is a huge and frequent issue, but if she's confused enough to be repeatedly packing up, she should not be behind the wheel. Lives depend on this.

Anonymousjpl123

Agree with all above. Start with conversation with her husband. That will save you so much trouble down the line. See if he has POA. Call other attorneys.

Also, make an appointment for her with a doctor. Primary care, geriatric, whatever you can get quickly. Checking for a UTI and B12 deficiency is really important. Also getting care and diagnosis is way harder than I ever knew (I started this journey 1.5 years ago) and the sooner you start the better. She may not go, but at least you’ll have made the appointment.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s stressful and most of us feel lost when we first realize what is happening. Post often and read other posts. Information is your friend.