Mother was removed from her home

hygeiar1

New to this and have some questions. Our mother has recently been diagnosed. There are 3 girls and 1 boy in our family. My older sister and I are 2 hours away and brother is several states away. Little sister lives in same town. My oldest sister mentioned she thought something was wrong with mother and wanted tonget her to a doctor but mother refused. At that time our little sister who lives a few blocks didn't care said she was done with dealing with them (mother and stepdad). They are elderly both in their 80's. My older sister visits them almost every weekend. Recently our brother visits and our mother has a fall, didn't get injured. All of a sudden our little sister takes over and makes appts for doctor and says mother is moving in with her. She doesn't talk to our parents she tells them, just gets family to go to their house and move mom's stuff to her house. She blames our step father of 40 years for neglecting her. He his so upset and cries all the time. Mom was very angry didn't know what was going on and continues to ask about him and my sister just says you live here now. She won't let him visit her because she hates him and blames him for all of this. He has no say in anything with my mother now. She has my older sister and brother both believing the same. I too was upset at first that he didn't tell us something was wrong or different but then I had a friend who has gone through this explain that he probably just didn't really understand everything. I am an outcast. They are trying to get my older sister Guardianship and my little sister POA healthcare. I won’t have any say. I just want to know...can they do this to her, to him? I am lost and don't know what to do without retaliation from my siblings. I am afraid they will make it so I can't see her either. My heart breaks for my parents.

M1

This is very difficult and I'm sorry. Obviously it would be better if you siblings and your stepdad could find a working coalition.

Does your stepdad also have cognitive issues? Important to know, as well as other health problems that impact his ability to help her. Are their finances blended, or separate? Do they own a home together? Does he have children from a previous marriage? All of these things are going to matter.

You all definitely need advice from a certified elder law attorney. (Look at nelf.org). If your brother holds DPOA, he is the one with the legal authority to make decisions about where she lives, not your little sister. It is not ideal for the primary caregiver not to hold the POA, and it is not ideal for the POA to live remote from the loved one with dementia. I also doubt that your little sister has any legal right to keep your stepdad from seeing his wife unless she has a restraining order.

Keep us posted. There are many wonderful and experienced caregivers here who are can help. There is also a 24/7 hotline, it may well be worth a call (the number is here on the website). Ask to speak with a care consultant.