Being on time.

AnderK

Anyone have suggestions on being on time? My partner has always been a last minute guy (I am not that kinda person). It seems impossible get him ready. He can take care of his own shower and stuff, but I can't get him going. He sits reading stuff on the stupid phone and thinks he can get ready in 15 minutes. I have fibleted about the departure times, I set out his clothes. Last week we were 30 minutes late for dinner, and I had set our departure time an hour before we were supposed to be there. This week we were 20 minutes late for a lunch reservation with friends. Same deal. W I weary of being a nag. So weary as to think the effort of seeing friends isn't worth it. Not certain when we need to start getting ready to go to Thanksgiving dinner! Today, perhaps???

He does the same for dinner at home, o "I will be right there". 30 minutes goes by. I no longer cook anything that is not either a five minute deal...so I can cook while he is sitting at the table, or things that take awhile and can hold.

Bedtime is the same. He starts saying he is so tired, and is going to bed. I start turning off lights. Another hour goes by, and he says the same. Sometimes it is 3 hours and I have to go to sleep, but I still listen for him, as the longer he waits, the more tired he gets, and the more physically unstable he becomes. Then he comes to bed and wants to talk.

Suggestions? I get very frustrated and have a hard time disguising it anymore. And the sleeping part (or not sleeping for me) means I can't get up in time for my 6.30 exercise class...which I usually take then, because HE is sleeping!

Man, just reading my own post makes me feel like a complainer (not the first word that came to mind!)

Thanks

Kathy

M1

Kathy, i don't know if it helps to realize that this is in fact a part of the disease, specifically loss of executive function, such that he cant find the wherewithal to meet deadlines. He probably just doesn't have a sense of time, and there's probably not much you can do about it except to become more directive, not less. Sadly you're not going to just be able to tell him it's time to get dressed, but you'll actually have to supervise the process and cue him, and eventually have to physically help him. It's very discouraging, and yes it's probably part of why social contacts diminish. but as frequently said here, our partners can't help it, we are the ones who have to adapt because they cannot.

LindaLouise

Hi Kathy,

I can totally relate to this, and have found that I have to set out shoes, coat, baseball cap, or whatever he will need to be ready to go and start the process at least an hour or more early! That doesn't include any necessary showering or dressing! It isn't easy, and I feel that the time it takes to "get ready to go" uses up a large part of our day! It's not fool proof, though! I can have both of us ready, turn around to grab my purse and find him back upstairs changing his shirt! Or - we are moving toward the car and he stops and says he needs to finish doing something! I have to distract, redirect and most of the time, get him in the car, where I can breathe a sigh of relief! Weirdly, we often end up ready too early, since I never know how long this will take, and so I drive around on little detours to use up the time. Since we pick up grandkids after school and I need to be timely, we go through this every day! Reminds me of when my kids were little, but I know we aren't learning anything this time around!

mrahope

OMG, both of you are "playing my song". I often tell him we have to be ready at least 15 minutes before we actually do. It's been a long time since we met friends/relatives anywhere because of this. TBH, the only thing that keeps me a bit saner is to have a list of my own "5 minute tasks" to accomplish whilst waiting to keep me from the whole "tapping my feet" frustration. At least I feel like I'm doing something. So frustrating because, in the end, time is all the currency we have and wasting it waiting seems pretty criminal.

SDianeL

My DH has no concept of time or elapsed time. So trying to hurry him doesn't work. I eliminated some tasks like he doesn't shower every day and showers in the afternoon when nothing is going on. He gets up and gets dressed and he wears the same thing if we go anywhere and doesn't change. We also stopped going to dinner a year ago. The noise and menu were too overwhelming for him as one thing they lose is the ability to make decisions. I also realized he didn't know what some foods were. Sometimes I entice him with something he likes like an ice cream to get him in the car.

Jgirl57

AnderK, before dementia entered our lives I could simply tell my turtle husband to shake a leg to hurry him along. Now I have to break down the process over several days . Yesterday we had to be up and dressed nice at at the grandkids school by 9 am. 3 days before we pulled clothes out to wear and then I hid them after he kept trying to put them away. Then the day before , showered and shaved. The day of I had to prompt each step when he became distracted with other things . I was getting snarly looks but I avoided eye contact and I would gently repeat the single step he needed to do and move on to the next step . It is very stressful so we do not get out very often . Bedtime is also s-l-o-w here. He has to touch , move things , re-arrange everything on the night stand . I turn out the lights and tell him good night even while he is still fidgeting. I know he really can’t help it and I do take deep breaths when I feel myself tensing up.

AnderK

Yep, you all hit the nail on the head! I guess part of the glory of a group like this is to realize that the behavior is our new normal, our experience is not unique. And it is the disease, not us.

Decided today to make a paper checklist, so that I am not running up and downstairs looking for the little things before we leave...money clip, phone, sunglasses, cane. And now, jacket, gloves, hat.

Sigh. 2:02 in the AM. Need to ask him one more time to come to bed.

May your Sunday be bright, all.

Kathy