DH is driving me crazy. How do we cope?

RoseBirds

I just found this site and need emotional support. Husband is no longer the man I married. He's become angry, critical, unreasonable. He asks for my help with his computer and won't accept what I tell him, stating that "you won't help me!" I'm trying my best to stay calm and show him what he's forgotten. But, he won't accept anything I tell him. Every day he asks me the same things over and over, stealing my time and serenity. I show him again and again, but when I suggest he "save" what he's done with a name we can both recognize again, he won't do it. "Presentation" is the right name, even though he probably has dozens of them! He won't listen. He won't give up on the Etsy site where he's sold things in the past. He shouldn't be doing it any longer, but how do I stop him? I've gained access to all our financial locations and paid bills that were charging late fees. I'm going to try to monitor everything he used to do, but he still has access and goes in anyway. Will he notice I've paid them? Hopefully not... If so, I'll be honest and tell him I was worried about it becoming late and paid it. All of this is causing me so much stress. I think it's affecting my own health. The idea that this is going to get worse is terrifying. It's already bad. He hates the neurologist I took him to see, and says he will never go back... denies he has an issue even though he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, as expected. CT scan showed blockages of arteries in his brain, just like in his heart. I feel so alone. Family is far away, and have their own lives. He is 78, I'm 77 and we've had a wonderful life together. I'm committed to wanting to make the remainder of his life as good as possible, but wonder how much I can. And, what if something suddenly happens to me first? That's a scary thought. He can't do much on his own. He uses a walker and falls every now and then. There's so much more, but I realize this is getting overlong. Thanks to anyone who might see this. Empathy is greatly appreciated as are suggestions, etc. Blessings, Gail

M1

Welcome to the forum Gail, though im sorry you are facing this.

Loss of ability with technology is very common and can be very frustrating. Likely no point in helping him, as it obviously doesn't stick and only frustrates both of you.

He probably doesn't need to be on the internet at all. Frequently the way to handle that is to change your WiFi password without telling him, and feign ignorance/use a white lie, like the site is down-but i honestly don't know how to handle that in a joint household without your losing access too, unless you can use it in off hours or while he's asleep. There may be other parental controls you can implement without him being aware, to block certain sites. But honestly, at some point all access becomes too dangerous to allow.

Another thing to do is to freeze his credit at all three agencies, such that no one could open scam accounts in his name. You need power of attorney to do that, which you probably should have anyway. If you don't, you should talk to a certified elder law attorney sooner rather than later. The attorney can also help you designate a backup poa for him (both for finances and healthcare), in case something does happen to you.

You have come to a good place for support. Read a lot of threads as there is much to learn that can help you prepare.

upstateAnn

Good advice. Your husband should have access only to the bare minimum of your funds.

charley0419

You sound almost 100% what I’m going through but not as severe yet. You DH sounds to me what this group enlightened me to is my DH has anosognosia I though denial but there’s a difference.it’s so hard to try and not be so upset after hearing same question 4 times. Read “36 hour day”. Will be big help. I’m pretty new here best thing I ever did. I keep thinking my wife will be different and stay as she is , short term , confused at times and a little depressed, but I know the reality. But after reading some of the stories you say I hope I can do this. But you really need to take care of yourself, my biggest fear is anything happening to me as dr told her not to drive. She was diagnosed last year mild Alzheimer’s

Iris L.

Familiarize yourself with anosognosia. He is not aware that he is not functioning normally. There's no point in confronting him, because he will become upset. This is different from denial. Learn the many work-arounds from the members. Also learn about failure-free activities and give him some safe tasks to keep him occupied.

Iris

gampiano

are you using a laptop?

If so, How about putting it in for "repairs"? I did this with my husband's car when he had to stop driving. It bought me some time at least. Had it parked at my daughter's house for weeks.