DW upset that I hire a sitter 8 hours a week

midge333

My wife is 67 years old and has stage 4/5 mixed dementia (vascular & alzheimers). She also has juvenile diabetes (59 years) and is on an insulin pump. I hired a caregiver that watches her for 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. My DW continues to be mad at me for hiring the sitter. She says that I don't love anymore and I just want her to die. I tell her I need to take care of myself to be able to better care for her. I also tell her I am trying to keep her in her home (which was her goal at the onset of the dementia). She doesn't see the need for me to have a break. Anybody have advice to deal with this? I know she has no ability to see this from my perspective but it still is very frustrating for me.

Joe C.

My only advice is to come up with a fiblet as to why the caregiver is there. Since that fact that you need a break is not working you need to find some other story that she might buy into. My wife never wanted a caregiver in our home but at one point I needed surgery so I told DW that my doctor had order a caregiver to help with my recovery, DW was OK with that since the caregiver was there for me. Once I recovered and DW asked why she was still coming, I told her that we we just trying to help her out since she had a couple of children and no husband, again DW was Ok with that. In time DW bonded with the caregiver and she was her best friend.

Donr

I had the same problem with my wide. I told her that I needed to take the brakes to keep myself healthy. Eventually, she agreed to keep the helper

jfkoc

I simply told my husband that we were helping out financially a person who had been laid off. He thought it a great idea.

harshedbuzz

Many PWD have anosognosia and cannot appreciate the ways in which dementia has made them someone who requires "help" much less realize they've become a burden from which their partner needs a break. Additionally, empathy is lost fairly early in the disease process which means your wife can't put herself in your shoes emotionally.

It's best to present the caregiver as a cleaner because you want to spoil her after years of keeping house or as someone she is helping (if that would appeal to her). @jfkoc's suggestion of "hiring someone down on their luck" works for a lot of people. Others have introduced the aide as a friend new to the area who is stopping by for coffee and cake. With her T1D, it might work to introduce the caregiver as "someone who is going to get an insulin pump soon and needs to learn about them" or as "a nursing student earing credit hours for practicing with a real patient with diabetes".

HB

MrBurns

I am new here, but I have marked this thread to "follow" (I think!). My wife is recently diagnosed. She's had type I diabetes for 50 years, and has been using an insulin pump for a long time. We just got a new pump with Continuous Glucose Monitoring, and I can watch her BG levels on my phone (I'm still working, she's retired but is OK by herself at home so far). When she forgets to bolus, I can text her a reminder. It's wonderful! I don't know how long this setup will work for us, but for now it's going well.

I do worry about the issues of managing her diabetes and other health concerns as she progresses. In her career she was a Certified Diabetes Care and Education Specialist, so I'm hoping that her skill at managing diabetes will stick in her brain a little longer than other things.

Best wishes on your journey. To you and all the commenters: I truly appreciate the suggestions and helpful hints from those who are farther down the road than I am.

Mint

Have the same issue with my mother. In a way she never seems to think about my needs as an individual. I kind of feel that she feels very vulnerable, though she would never admit that, and so that’s why there’s not much thought about my needs. At times she’ll go along with things because maybe of a need I have, but for the most part not. She becomes very irritated with me for cleaning the house, but she absolutely never cleans the house herself so I have to. I’ve learned I just start doing it. I don’t tell her I’m going to I just start, she still fusses, but when I come back in the evening, she’s fine she doesn’t act like it even happened. I only clean house every other week because I dread doing it because of her reaction. Otherwise I would do it weekly. But I just have to put on my big girl boots and do it because I do not want someone to come into the house and find it in disarray that would look bad on me.

hope something works out for you. You definitely should not give up your eight hours a week of take care of myself time. I hope eventually my mom will no longer be angry with me for cleaning the house and I hope your wife will do the same.. hard to know what to do. Sometimes it would be easier for me just to say i’m not going to clean the house because of her reaction. I would not feel good about myself if I did that so it’s just hard. So I guess I have no answers but to say that a lot of us are in the boat with you.

mrahope

FWIW, my DH is the same and (in our old location) rejected two caregivers I brought in. He absolutely thinks he is more than capable of caring for himself (he isn't) and wouldn't even accept them as "drivers" when he quit driving himself (again, still a sore spot). He says he can take an Uber or Lyft. He could then, but now? I haven't tried it recently, but I, too, am looking for a way to convince him to accept care from someone else. I blame myself as my "fiblet" apparently wasn't good enough. Haven't tried it again since moving here.

Howaboutnow

When i introduced a caregiver for while I’m at work, I said it was to help with cleaning. And in fact, that is part of what their responsibilities are. They do light housekeeping, make him lunch, and when they could, they would engage him in games or a walk, take him for a drive. As time went on, DH stopped asking why they were here. I’m guessing DH was somewhere in the middle of stage 5 when we started with someone 1.5 years ago. Things have changed a lot since then.

I wouldn’t try to explain the real reason. In my experience, anything that suggests something is happening because of him, caused by him, or needing help because of his condition….will backfire. He has anosognosia and doesn’t comprehend what is happening, but even more base than that, he was a strong smart confident capable man. He will buck against anything that suggests he isn’t all that anymore. And for me anyway 🤪, garnering empathy is futile. I can explain how i got groceries on my way home from work when he’s upset for some unintelligible reason, and he will mock me as if i have it so hard and am whining.

It’s a punch in the gut when you are responsible for every single thing that needs to be done for 2 people’s lives, a home/property, all life stuff, all life chores, a job, all ADL’s for your LO and none of it is recognized. In fact, all the efforts are diminished when you are mocked for saying you need space or are tired.

To sum,,,FIBLETS. Use them for your sanity and their peace of mind.