What am I doing wrong?

momgirl

My mother has had MCI for several years which is slowly progressing. I decided to move her from her home in the East to California. the goal was too fine and assisted living place near us. she has been living with us for 3 months and I have no motivation to find assisted living places. We have arguments everyday and I feel like I'm not doing anything right Or correctly following recommendations. Help!! Help!!

M1

Welcome to the forum. If you are arguing daily, i would think that might increase your motivation to find another living situation for her, not decrease it! This forum is a good place to learn workaround strategies to stop the arguments-or at least decrease them. You are correct that it is likely your behavior and responses that have to change, as she likely cannot.

Do you have power of attorney in place for finances and healthcare? That is paramount and if you don't, find a certified elder law attorney to help you (look at nelf.org).

It's common on these boards for our loved ones to need memory care, not assisted living. When you look at facilities, be sure you are looking for the right level of support, that can make all the difference about whether a placement succeeds or not. By the time most families consider placement, the loved one is far beyond assisted living. That's just an fyi to consider.

harshedbuzz

@momgirl

I am sorry. Do you feel like your lack of initiating this task is a function of depression (completely understandable) or discomfort with your decision to move her at the moment (also understandable)?

I personally would not recommend A Place for Mom. They're the devil. They're basically an advertising front for the facilities they recommend which pay them the equivalent of about a month's rent when you sign a contract with one of the places they represent. Personally, I'd rather that money go to something that improves care for the people need it-- training, dementia-informed activities and staff retention.

APFM only gives you leads to place with contract with, so you're likely to miss some nice places. Dad's MCF didn't need to advertise because word-of-mouth kept them close to capacity. I live in a very well-served area and the local APFM only offered places that tended to cherry-pick residents and didn't accept Medicaid if a residents ran out of money a few years into their stay. If that's you, it's worth asking about.

The other piece is that APFM gives your contact information out. Once mine was out, I continued to get solicitation calls after dad was placed and even after he died. Whenever a new sales manager came or a facility changed hands, I get a call.

If you need help with executing a plan to place mom, it might make sense to hire a Geriatric Care Manager who will have local knowledge of what's available and help you find the best fit.

If your mom was diagnosed with MCI and progressed, she's likely moved into a more dementia presentation. At that point, fighting or even reasoning with her is not a path to success. If she' consistently combative, medication to take the edge off that would be appropriate.

This article was useful for me. Dad and I never got along, and this helped me be less reactive in the moment which was better for both of us.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

This is useful for understanding where you mom might be in terms of staging.

Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf (tala.org)

HB