How Do I Cope to be a better DIL and Spouse?

valerieorr

Intellectually I can understand why my MIL wants to go home and can never seem to get there. She is increasingly unhappy with us here (since we moved in with her in July, at her sisters' pleas we come RIGHT NOW). We've been able to add some respite days for the benefit of all of us through a grant that ends in about a month; this has added to her happiness during the time we're gone but makes it tough on all of us once the home care giver (a family friend who works for an agency) leaves.

My problem is that I am as unhappy as she is and I want to go home, too! In 2020 there was COVID pandemic, then in 2021 my husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (thankfully through great care and monthly infusions, he's in remission), in 2022 he was diagnosed with AFib and has had some scares & a cardioversion, then an ablation in 2023, then this spring had his gallbladder removed. Also during this time, our son asked us to move in with him while we had a small house built on his property so he would be able to help us if we should need it. (We are both in our late 60's). For a number of reasons, we weren't able to get the house built, so technically we have no home of our own. We both had to quit our jobs and retire to come care for Mom.

I felt overwhelmed with all the things that were happening before we got here, but with never knowing what Mom will say, do, want, not want at any given moment, continued concern for my husband's health, I am a mess. I wake up every morning and my first thought is "I want to go home...I want a home...MY home" and that's usually the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. How can I better cope with all this?

Thank you

Marta

You may benefit from seeing a counselor. I’m sorry it’s been so rough.

If you post specifics we may be able to help.

Quilting brings calm

Whatever hobby you have that relaxes you - do it. Baths, tea, books, crafts, walks. Make sure you get a little of it every day- even if you and your spouse have to take turns at it. If there’s any kind of a social outlet - even if it’s just an exercise class at the Y, again, you and your spouse take turns. You have to have some down time.

Is there any way that you can go home - buy another home or rent one, and take her with you so that you can get back to your home area? because that will help you relax.

Without knowing your MIL’s condition, I’m not sure if an adult day care would be possible?

You might feel more in control is you started planning for the next phase- assisted living or memory care ( even if you don’t consider it a possibility), do some research on facilities where you want to live and the prices involved.