Reality

Momof02sfcnp

Logically I know that my mom's processing skills are very poor, and confirmed by neuropsych testing. However I continue to find myself in the situation of explaining why... (why she can't shower without supervision, why she needs help getting dressed, why we are managing her money for her, why we prepare her meals, why she can't put stapled tea bags in the microwave.....all of which point out her decline). I don't mean harm, at the moment I'm trying to show her honesty and respect rather than her feel like she is a child with things taken away without explaination. Of course the difficulty is that she doesn't see that she needs help and thinks I'm micro-managing her.

Any advice on how to explain without overly explaining, where I can find the common medium that will satisfy both of our needs?

Thanks

Emily 123

Hi Momof02sfcnp,

It's OK to move away from explanations. In fact, they may be making things harder for you. Since she doesn't have the capacity to see her vulnerabilities, discussing her disease may trigger some anxiety or resistance in her. Though she may not remember the exact conversations, she may hang on to the emotions around them, and that may make her become on edge with you.

The love and respect you have for her may have to shapeshift into...well, I thought of it as bubblewrapping my mom against the reality of her disease. Eventually the disease progression will remove the person's resistance to assistance, but in the meantime you can let them do as much as they can, and for the rest, utilize fiblets, work arounds, and distractions to let them think they're managing. The goal is to keep the PWD calm, because calm helps make for a nice day for you both.

What worked for me, with my mom's poor short term memory, was to tell her she'd already done some habitual task that I'd taken over [''Yes, of course you paid your taxes/bills'']. Sometimes I think she thought something was fishy, but I'd deflect her with a question, and she'd forget.

Perhaps tell her the doctor said she's a fall risk, so they told you to make sure she's ok in the shower. (i.e., Don't be the bad guy if you don't have to be.) Try a stapleless tea brand like Celestial Seasonings. When she asks about preparing meals, tell her she made lunch for you both yesterday, or made dinner last night. I put out sandwich ingredients for my mom, telling her I was going to make one for myself, and she usually let me do that, sometimes she'd still make her own.

Triggers: Can any be removed? What are the triggers for the finance questions--can you remove them or tell her she's handled them? Can she manage her clothes if you put them out while she's in the shower?

Hang in there!