Finally! Much Needed Family Meeting.

Marp

My sister suffered a fall followed by 4 days in the hospital and a rehab stay.

She's set to discharge from rehab soon and the plan has been for me to bring her home with temporary ramps, etc.

Then we had our follow up visit with the orthopedic doctor. Based on what he said, I believe my home has too many obstacles for my sister to navigate safely while she finishes her recovery.

I went to Thanksgiving at my brother's house where we had a conversation - them and their wives- on where the situation stands.

They agree my home may not be the best recovery location. I laid out the options and gave my estimate of the costs.

In the end, they agree it might be best to shell out that money and have Cathi continue her recovery at a facility. We might even be talking a permanent placement for her, something one of my brothers was previously opposed to.

It was a good conversation and I feel better having the air cleared a bit and having the family all informed and on the same page.

SDianeL

I know it's a relief to make some headway with relatives. Good for you!

Marp

It was good. We touched on many topics, including decisions about medical care.

A specific example I cited is the pap smear. My sister is due for that next fall. She did fine with just the pelvic exam this year. Next year, I don't know if she'll tolerate that , let alone a pap smear.

Her eye Dr also said he doesn't think it's necessary for her to come in for routine eye exams anymore.

I wanted them to understand some medical procedures and tests just aren't advisable as she advances further into the disease. This is something that they had never thought about before.

terei

Pap smear? I dont know the details of your sister’s condition, but I would not even consider this, nor any other annual physical type tests if she has dementia. You have to consider whether any treatment is warranted even if you do find an issue. ONce We realized my mom’s disease was progressive, we did nothing to prolong her life …. just made her as comfortable as possible

Marp

That was kind of what I was trying to get my brothers and their wives to think about. The pap smear was an easy example because it is so invasive and someone with cognitive impairments and PTSD may find that intolerable. I want them to understand that we may be getting to the point where we do less medical interventions,.but that doesn't mean we don't care about her.

JDancer

You sound like the voice of reason in a difficult situation. Your sister is fortunate to have you advocating for her. Making these decisions now is wise.

Marp

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/189744#Comment_189744

Thank you. I wish I were the voice of reason, but, oftentimes, I fear I am not.

eaglemom

I'm so glad you were able to all discuss your sisters care. That had to have felt very good. Getting everyone on the same page is a huge battle.

There is nothing wrong with placement if its in her best interest and what is needed for her proper care. It sounds like things are lining up that way. May calm voices and decisions continue in her care.

eagle

Marp

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190092#Comment_190092

Thank you.

I hope what we're doing is best for her care. I keep telling myself she'll have more support at the facility and from people who know more than I do and that she'll be happy having other people around, etc.

But, sometimes, I have to wonder if what I'm doing is in her best interest or mine. I've been taking care of her alone for 3 1/2 years and I'm stressed. I want more of my life back. Maybe this is all about me...selfish me.

M1

That's not selfish Marp, it's realistic. You are entitled to your own life. What do you think your sister would be saying if she were sitting on your shoulder? I know what my partner would say. She would want to be happy and to take care of myself.

mommyandme (m&m)

Both of your “best interests” are important, not just hers. Sounds like this decision is likely a win/win.

Marp

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190106#Comment_190106

She just looks so sad and lonely when I visit her in the rehab.

And one of my brother's was asking how easy it is to sign her out of memory care to do something with the family. I think he's struggling with this too.