Sometimes I just don’t know if I am doing all I can

Klako

My dad is in AL. I visit 5 times a week for an hour to hour and a half. I think people’s questions make me question myself. I don’t take him out of AL. I did not bring him to our home for Thanksgiving. He still every 4 weeks or so asks how long he has to stay where he is. So this part is my fear that if I took him out he would not understand and want to go home or not want to go back to AL. I have asked in this forum before about holidays and appreciated the honesty of those who gave me plenty of reasons why taking him out was not a good idea. His apartment is sparsely decorated because he is bothered by what is there already and bringing more I feel would upset or cause him anxiety. He is always worried about how we will get things home when he goes. He also remembers all of us but doesn’t have much conversation left. He walks with a rollator now due to being unsteady and falling. He does not understand has Alzheimer’s.

I feel guilty that I should do more. He is in a place and taken care of. He doesn’t complain about me. I don’t think he realized it was Thanksgiving and we did not emphasize it. With the upcoming Christmas holidays I know bringing him here for the day is not possible but wondering how others have handled this.

just some advice on how I am feeling would be helpful. I know it is easy to project what I would want in my healthy mind on him whose mind is not.

thank you in advance and for being here!

psg712

You are doing well for your dad. Just the fact that you can differentiate between your perspective and his is insightful. Visiting five times per week is more than a lot of us can do! But like many of us who are trying to do our best to care for a parent with dementia, it's too easy to doubt yourself - especially when questioned by other people who are not handling the day to day details.

If he doesn't realize it's a holiday, and if taking him to your house is unsettling for him, then IMO there is nothing wrong with a short visit at the AL without making a big deal of the day. Whatever is most calm and comfortable for him.

You are doing all that you can, and loving your dad in the way that he needs at this time. Be kind to yourself too.

Emily 123

I think you're doing fine. Every family's dementia experience is going to be different, and we just have to try to figure out the things that work for each of our situations. What you've described seems like a good fit for your dad's needs. You've anticipated his needs and kept his anxiety level low, which isn't easy. Don't beat yourself up--the holidays seem to make it easier to second guess ourselves, don't they?

harshedbuzz

Please stop second-guessing yourself. You're doing above-and-beyond to visit 5 times a week. The people who question you obviously have not walked the path you are on.

Visits home for your dad could potentially trigger bad feelings he doesn't have at the moment-- it's best to avoid upsetting him. I found as dad progressed in the disease, gatherings of any size started to agitate him. His last Christmas home he tried mightily to get us all to leave-- we were just my niece, her husband, my adult son, my husband, mom and myself. He was good for about 15 minutes before he retreated to the sofa and then his room hurling insults all the way.

Once he was in MC, mom participated in the facility's holiday celebration which was so much easier and more pleasant for everyone involved. It's funny, about 6 weeks into his MC stay, he had an appointment with his urologist for an ADT injection. We were so worried about him refusing to return to the MCF, we hired a medical transport service. We offered to take him to lunch before they picked him up, but he said he wanted "to go home and his little bed" meaning the MCF.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

I agree with @psg712 - the fact that you can even separate how you feel and he feels tells me you are really looking out for his best interest. I just posted something similar - only I took my LO home and going back was kind of a nightmare. There’s not right way to do this. There’s not “ah, here’s the right formula so that Alzheimer’s/dementia won’t suck.”

as you mentioned, sometimes I do think we project our ideas of what our LO need based on our own expectations. I know I do. 5 days a week is more than enough; and one thing I hear almost everyone here talk about is feeling like they are not doing enough.

You are there for your dad and that is what matters. I am realizing sometimes less is more in these phases. You are doing the right thing.

2parents/brain change

All of these comments are sooo helpful to me, too! I am living in my in-laws home while the husband is shutting down his Dad's life long business of fine craftmanship in metals.

So no, I am not visiting. Because Dad has family here in this city where we live and he has PLENTY of company. Even a private paid health care worker to keep him company in addition to the very fine memory care, all private paid.

I am doing all I can to patiently support the need for my husband and me to pick up roots temporarily, re-settle and get through this stage of the ordeal.

Meanwhile, my mom walks closer to the other side, with her dementia, 7 hours away from us.

Both of them are in good hands. and I am where God as I understand Her, has me.

I love this community!

J

NUMber2

 "I know it is easy to project what I would want in my healthy mind on him whose mind is not." How very insightful! It's a truth that makes this entire journey even more difficult!!!

I just want to share that on TG I brought my mom over to my house in the morning. She spent the night with the entire family and then I took her out to lunch the next day and brought her back to her "supported living" apartment. She seemed fine.

You'll be in my thoughts!

Klako

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and support. It is so helpful to have this group as we all navigate this journey we wish we didn’t have to travel. You are all in my prayers!

Smilescountry

I agree that everyone's situation is different and that there isn't a right answer about the holidays. Years ago, my parents began celebrating family Christmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving so that they could head to Florida. Now that they both have cognitive decline, they want to be with family, but we could not take them to the gym (large family) that we had been using. My church has a nice facility with no steps, and we were able to rent the gym there. It is close to the assisted living facility, which also helps. Because it was a neutral place, it didn't feel like "going home," and my parents enjoyed seeing the children play in the gym and eating our traditional meal (Pizza and Africa Rice and Stew). Dad was ready to leave immediately after eating, so one of us took him to AL, then returned. Mom stayed for the whole time! In Dad's mind, it wasn't a Christmas party, but some sort of celebration just for him. I don't know that taking them to a family member's house would work, but this was fine. Also, my parents have moved around over the years, so they don't have an especially strong attachment to a physical house. Whatever works for your situation is the right decision for you.

MN Chickadee

Bringing my mom out of the facility in the first year was a nonstarter. So hard to get her to go back in after an outing and it caused her so much anxiety once she got back, like she didn't recognize the place despite being perfectly comfortable in it hours before. We didn't take her out for a long time. After she adjusted more (and the dementia progressed) she didn't process her surroundings the same. I took her on rides and on outings but never attempted to bring her home or to holiday celebrations. She wouldn't have enjoyed them like she used to and it would have caused un-due stress on her. We would go to the facility's celebration which they usually did the week before all holidays, and then on Christmas immediate family would go see her in the facility for a brief visit but that was it. She didn't seem to even know it was a holiday anyway. This seemed to be a pretty typical approach; it's not like she was the only one at the facility on Christmas. Other families were there visiting but very few took their person out due to similar issues. At a certain point, taking them out of their "groundhogs day" routine just isn't worth it or kind. People questioning it probably haven't had to travel this road. Those that have not gone through it do not get it and make unhelpful and uniformed suggestions. Do what works for you and Dad, that's all that matters.

Quilting brings calm

I think you are doing more than enough. I currently limit my visits at my parents AL to once a week, plus errands and transport and attendance at medical visits. There’s a lot of doctor visits with various specialists. Some months, doctor visits can be twice a week. Plus phone calls multiple times a week. I reduced my visits to this schedule based on advice from the AL and their PCP. He specifically told me to step back for my own health.

There are activities at the AL every weekday. I actually plan my calls and visits so that I don’t interrupt those as my parents enjoy them - even when they say they don’t.

I do not take them out of the AL except for necessary errands and doctor visits. That’s due to mobility issues on their part and back issues on mine. I can’t help them walk because if they fall, I will too- and I’ve already had two compressed vertabrae fractures. I require mom to use her walker with me. Step-dad has finally started using his cane with me/ he’s too stubborn to agree to bring his walker. So he’s on his own if he falls. I also discourage both of them from going with me at the same time.

FYI- my MIL did not have dementia and she quit attending family holidays when she was 80. The noise and activity was too stressful for her.