I am struggling with my mom's situation

justice2024

Update - First of all, thank you to all who commented! I appreciate the knowledge simply that I am not alone! :)

I spoke with my mom's doctor today; my mom does not need hospitalization at this time. My aunt is going to visit daily and assist with med mgmt. Because of the comments, I have contacted and I am waiting on a call from an elder care attorney. I'm grateful for each of you! I hope you all receive the assistance that you seek!

Hi everyone,

I just joined. I know very little about dementia; I'm reading lots. There are no support groups where I live. My mom is 2 hours drive from me.

She is diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. The care team I coordinated suspects it is further along, but my mom is unwilling to complete testing.

My mom is very hostile; towards me and her sisters at times. She has hoarding issues. She threw one of her sisters out of the house for trying to clean and de-clutter. She is not wanting to go to doctors appointments; she curses us out when we take her. She is starting with memory issues; short term and long term.

I was told by a senior care group that she is not well to drive; but she is fine to look over medical records. The doctors have not deemed her incapacitated. I took her keys and told her she can't drive; she threw the keys at me, cursed me out, and threatened to call her lawyer.

Her one sister and I feel she needs memory care or assisted living; her other 2 sisters feel she is ok to remain home. Her siblings are all in health care. I am not.

I spoke with her doctor's office, they said if she gets to a point where she absolutely refuses care, she should be hospitalized involuntarily. She hasn't completely refused yet. I feel she may need to go, although I would have to call 911 for escort. And that will be ugly.

She will not do a Power of Attorney. Her attorney said he won't do the paperwork until she is cleared by a doctor or we have to file for guardianship.

I'm exhausted. I'm worried about my mom. I want her to get the care she needs and not worry about her all the time. I also don't want to force her to the hospital to have them send her home without any guidance or plan in place and then she won't talk to me (which is what will happen).

I also don't have the resources to deal with any legal ramifications if I call 911 and have her taken. I am her only child (I'm in my 40's; she is 70.) I know I need to make decisions; I just don't know what to do.

M1

Welcome to the forum though I am so sorry you find yourself in such a difficult position. I have been in your shoes in that i had to involuntarily hospitalize my partner of 30 years after she threatened me, and she went from there to memory care. However, i did have power of attorney.

You need to proceed with guardianship. Things are only going to get worse and yes, i suspect you are correct that she has much more than mild cognitive impairment. Safety needs to drive the decision making. i f you need to have her admitted for evaluation, you need to stress that she is not safe to go home and poses a danger to herself and others.

Other than initiating the guardianship process, the other thing you can do is research what hospitals have geriatric psychiatry wards so that you know where to have her admitted, and also you can start researching memory care facilities too. You need a plan for how to finance this. A certified elder law attorney is who you need to file for emergency guardianship and to help with financial planning if you need to qualify her for Medicaid.

You are right that it is not pretty. But dying in a fire at home or in a car wreck is also not pretty. You have come to a good place for advice and support.

Anonymousjpl123

Very glad you found this place. You will find so many good, practical resources.

I agree with the above: guardianship and an elder law attorney are good processes to get started. Also having a plan for if/when you do need to hospitalize her.

One thing I learned when I had to take my mom to ER (I had to call 911; she was in Assisted Living but had left) is that they will take it seriously if you insist she can’t come home safely, and more than likely they will see that she needs a higher level of care.

It seems awful and it is, but you are asking all the right questions. Also in a pinch, the ALZ Association hotline (on this website) is an excellent resource. They have helped me out in the crisis moments.

You are not alone.

NUMber2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67274/i-am-struggling-with-my-moms-situation

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I too am struggling with "next steps " so I appreciate that you shared your concerns. You (we) received some great advice.

You aren't alone. ❤️