New member Alzh_Dem2

Iris L.

Recopied:

My husband has dementia. He turned 90 yrs in July. Presently he can still take care of his personal needs. He doesn't drive anymore and in the past few yrs I have become responsible for most of our finances. He uses his tablet for updating himself on the news every morning with coffee. He uses the phone to order things and because we have an alert on our phones, we are notified whenever a charge has been made. I have closed his Amazon acct and bank account to prevent his being scammed. Problem, if you didn't know him you would be unaware of his short term memory loss. He can't do the things he used to do and feels I am trying to control him, etc. Our families live hundreds of miles away. He doesn't want to move because he loves our home and the fish pond which he is obsessed with. We have a 16 yr old dog who is deaf, born with one eye and is loosing vision in other eye. He still likes his walks but he is a lot of work. We both love him but between the two of them, it can be stressful. I need a break but haven't found a way yet, especially with a dog. I do have family and friends I talk to but Caregiving is such a challenge and cannot be truly understood until you become one. God help me/us

M1

Welcome to the forum. Is there someone in the family who can help you with planning, even from a distance? You do sound overwhelmed. Have you identified who would care for your husband should something happen to you? Having the proper legal documents in place is important, and if you don't have them, a certified elder law attorney would be the right resource to get those things taken care of.

It does sound as if you would benefit from an assisted living environment that could provide more help. Some do allow pets. It's hard to think about putting a beloved old dog down, but that is also an option you may have to consider.

I hope this forum helps give you support, it has been a lifeline for me. Glad you found us.

Jeanne C.

Hello again @Alzh_Dem2. M1 brings up a great point about seeing an certified elder law attorney (CELA). They can help you get documents in order and also understand longterm care benefits available in your state. Also do you have a geriatric or dementia specialist? They can help with medications as he progresses. And my best suggestion is to call the Alzheimer's Association helpline. They were amazing in helping me get started. It's a lot to deal with and they can help you figure out where to start. 24 hour helplline: 800.272.3900

Alzh_Dem2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190242#Comment_190242

Thank you for your helpful comments. My husband's families live in other countries. I have made them aware of their brother's dementia. However when he talks with them for a significant amount of time, they realize he is repetitive re certain issues. He is adamant about not moving, and wants to maintain the yard himself. His brothers have urged him to get assistance and I have talked to him about hiring someone but he resents me trying to take control. We have discussed what he would do if something happened to me and the realities. I feel he is in denial because he knows his memory isn't the same. He definitely thinks I am trying to control him. My small family lives 700 miles away. My sister has her own health issues, my daughter has to work. They are all supportive and have visited recently but would like us to move into assisted living in my home town. Again, he doesn't want to move. I know I have difficult decisions I have to make going forward. I will check out an Elder certified law attorney as you suggested. A interesting fact, he saw a psychotherapist and neurologist a few months ago and they concluded (after testing) he had memory loss. So the neurologist gave him a prescription. Amazing!! Having an older dog with cognitive and clinging issues is another challenge. He is still so active in many ways. Thinking of putting him down is hard to image. I have done it before. However, I have plan to get away, if only for a cple of days. Watching a love one slowly change isn't easy. I am so happy I found this forum.

harshedbuzz

@Alzh_Dem2

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Cobbling onto what the others said about seeing a CELA. You will want to create POAs and Health Care Directives so you can assume care and make all decisions on behalf of your husband. He will also need a secondary agent should you die first or become unable to perform this duty. You should be his primary agent, but it sounds as if it is already time for your daughter to be named as your primary. Ideally, you'll both have a secondary agent in case the first is incapacitated. Would she being willing to be his back-up if something happens to you or will you need to engage a private guardian for this?

Given your isolation from family, my concern would be your welfare. Are there people in your life who have eyes on you to make sure you're OK? What if there was an accident and your DH was unable to be your advocate or get help? What if you were in an accident and transported to the hospital? Do you wear an alert bracelet to let first responders know you have a PWD living at home?

My parents moved away in 1999. It was great for about 10 years, but as time passed it became clear dad had developed dementia and they they'd need help. Mom was in denial and both resisted my suggestion that they move back to the area. I visited about 6 times a year and was not comfortable as things were. In early 2016 mom developed an autoimmune liver failure that nearly killed her. I called almost daily to check in as leading up to this she wasn't feeling like herself. Dad started answering the phone and telling me stories about her wanting a divorce that were plausible given their history or that she was at the pool with her girlfriends. It wasn't until he got angry with her for not fixing dinner that he frog-marched her through Publix where a retired nurse friend saw her and drove her to the ER. The woman was the color of a school bus and dad was unable to parse that as an emergency. It was only because the hospitalist knew mom from the practice where he worked parttime called them to get my emergency contact information that I got called about this. Mom almost died. Had she. he'd have been without care and supervision for who knows how long.

HB

Iris L.

Your DH is not in denial, he has anosognosia. He may realize that his memory is weak, but he is not aware of the full implications of having dementia. This is why you will need to learn the work-arounds that the members use to get things done.

Iris

Alzh_Dem2

Now I know what anosognosia means. Thank you for the diagnosis. My DH still loves to cook and uses several utensils in the process. He likes to download recipes, cut them out of the papers etc. He has soo many folders it is more than amazing. He is constantly printing out documents that we have originals of in our files. My DH is a Diabetic and has been for years. However when I recently asked him about his medication he gets annoyed. I do have an updated list. He has hearing loss but won't wear his hearing aids. He suggested over a year 1/2 ago that I take care of the finances which I do. He also remembers when property taxes, auto renewal, lawn service, etc bills are due...checking with me to see if they are paid. He used to love to grocery shop at several different stores for bargains. I don't like him shopping alone so I go inside with him. I am usually annoyed by the time we leave because after getting what is on the list he starts picking up items we don't need. During the day if he isn't on his tablet checking out news, he is on his phone looking for things to purchase. Now we have a dilemma because we discussed (I thought) not to order a recent item before I checked the company out but he didn't listen so we haven't received the product, I have talked to customer service, emailed them twice, still no product. Now I have to take the card which he already said he would get another one. My DH has the ability to engage a person on the phone for well over a half hr if he needs help with the computer, medication, or an issue with anything...it is Unbelievable! He isn't confrontational so his newest thing is to ignore me, hum, or walk away when he doesn't want to listen. I could go on and on as you probably know. I will use suggestions given re Health Directives, Alzheimer Association helpline and work arounds. Dementia is such a devastating disease as you see the person you love deteriorate little by little. I know I am experiencing depression and need further help to deal with my DH on a daily basis. I wouldn't wish this journey on ANYONE!