New to this group

BelindaMarshall

My husband is 69. He has late stage Alzheimer’s. He is currently obsessed with his clothes. So much so that I am unable to change the subject. He becomes argumentative. I try to distract him but it’s not working. I am working with neurologist, a Nurse Practitioner (psych), VA case manager and his primary are physician. I’m worried that it’s becoming too much. I believe he is probably in stage five. I’m so sad. I’m attempting to gather all of my resources. I will probably have to use the adult daycare resources available through the VA. This man was a commercial HVAC Tech for a large company. He was a runner. He was respected by his peers. He was financially successful. Originally, I was trying to get him on Laqambi but he does not meet the criteria. I don’t know what to do. I said I would never put him into assisted living. He deserves better. He worked so hard. I’m at a loss.

M1

Welcome to the forum, though I am sorry you are facing this. Is he on medication for the obsessive behaviors? It certainly can take time to find the right cocktail.

Don't feel ashamed or guilty if you can't care for him by yourself at home. having the help of trained professional staff in daycare or memory care can relieve some of your burden and (in theory) let you go back to being his spouse rather than his primary caregiver. No one deserves this, but it is a terrible disease. Acceptance of it takes time, and the wise ard kind folks in this forum can help, for sure.

Joe C.

Belinda, Welcome but I’m sorry you needed to seek out our community. There are lots of great people here who are more than willing to share their experience and advice. It sounds like you have a good medical care team assembled and hopefully you have advised them of recent changes. Possibly they could prescribe medication to deal with current mood swings. If you have not done so you need to see a Certified Elder Law Attorney ASAP. Putting this off could have serious financial impacts down the road.

On a personal note, I placed my wide in memory care 2 years ago after being a full time 24/7 caregiver for 4 years. Although I believe I would keep here home as long as possible, now I know that placements was the best decision for her care. When she was at home I was always the bad guy, she was argumentative over showing, changing clothes, taking medication, etc. She has been so much happier in memory care than she was at home. She likes having more people to interact with and enjoys the activities especially the music. When I placed her she no longer recognized me as her spouse or our house as her home so she has never once asked about why she was there or about going home. My point is that in our case MC placement was the “better” that DW deserved. I know not everyone has my experience with placement but in our case it was definitely the correct decision.

On another note, if you are using your real/full name I would suggest changing it. This is a public site so probably not the best idea to use you full name.

ButterflyWings

The VA social worker for your DH can help you get home health aides in place. Maybe 14 or 15 hours a week, maybe more. With a dementia diagnosis, he qualifies for Catastrophically Disabled status and that category makes him (and you) eligible for certain respite benefits immediately.

harshedbuzz

@BelindaMarshall said:

" I don’t know what to do. I said I would never put him into assisted living. He deserves better. He worked so hard. I’m at a loss."

Ouch. Many of us have thought that as well we wanted to keep our LOs at home, but there may come a time when place was not just necessary but better. A well-chosen MCF can offer your DH things you can't-- socialization, a care team that is well resulted and trained specifically in dementia care and dementia-informed activities to keep him engaged. For your own sake, please keep an open mind.

HB