Worried about Friend - Caregiver —

Jackxx49

She finally has him in a care facility. But, everyday visits , worried about increasing costs, not taking care of herself . I believe she may run out of money — she’s about 70.
We get het to some friend ‘’gatherings’’. ?? Advice please .

Quilting brings calm

She needs to go to an elder care attorney to help her determine the best way to preserve the money.

sawman3211

Has she applied for Medicaid?

charley0419

What State ??

harshedbuzz

@Jackxx49

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place. You're a thoughtful friend. I'm glad you are able to get her out to socialize-- it is so easy for caregivers to lose themselves in the sadness and isolation of caregiving. Your kindness will go a long way to help her balance the caregiving with self-care. It's critical the caregivers put on their own oxygen mask first-- before assisting others in order to get through this.

Cobbling onto "she finally has him in a facility"; this feels like you felt she should have placed earlier. I get it. I would have placed my own dad almost a year before I was able to convince mom it was as necessary for dad's wellbeing as it was her physical and mental health. Unfortunately, it can be a difficult decision to make especially for women of a certain generation who take their "in sickness and in health" to mean subsuming oneself to hands on care. My own mom was worried what others would think of her as much as she worried about paying $7200/month for an as yet to be determined period of time. It's not an easy decision to make. I was physically ill the week before and I didn't particularly get along with the man. It can be complicated to execute depending on how well-served your community is in terms of LTC, the available assets to self-pay vs Medicaid-pending and if the PWD presents with challenging behaviors. Mom's first choice MCF didn't offer placement once they read his medical record because he had a kind of dementia that is sometimes associated with being a "challenge".

Related to the above, caregiving doesn't end at the threshold of the memory care facility. She's going to have to adjust to this new routine. She remains the most important part of his care team. She has traded the hands on work for new concerns about whether he is settling in and being cared for as promised and second-guessing her decision.

Is your friend expressing concern about her financial vulnerability in this? Is she a savvy and resourceful person or does she have a smart and take-charge adult child/sibling who would engaged an attorney to do Medicaid planning?

If she doesn't have a lot of assets, it's possible she has done this and that waiting for a bed in a Medicaid facility was part of the delay you saw in placement. Some people feel sheepish about using Medicaid, especially if they live among politically conservative folks who don't believe in such safety nets being a function of government.

If she hasn't seen a CELA, she absolutely should. My own mom had a lot of misconceptions about how Medicaid works-- she especially feared the "government can take your house" meme she'd heard from so many friends. The reality is that when a PWD's care is paid for under Medicaid, their "community spouse" is allowed to stay in the home (up to a certain value) as long as they live, keep some assets and have money to live on.

HB