How do you not take delusions personally

BPS

I know I should not take delusions personally, but I am having a hard time with that. My wife has delusions of me having an affair with our 18 year old granddaughter. We have 4 kids and this granddaughter is the daughter of the only one of our kids that is being supportive. Anytime I mention having any association with my son my wife brings up her delusion, so it is affecting my life my kids and my grandkids, and the only support I have. My wife had a long term affair in the past so it is hard to hear her make these accusations without bringing up her past which does no good and only makes things worse. How do I not take this personally? I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone that believes I am cheating. I find myself spending more time downstairs and coming up to take care of things and see if there is anything she needs. She is I think late stage 5 or early stage 6. Doing all the stuff of cooking cleaning picking out her clothes adjusting the shower water temperature and everything ese I am OK with but this delusion and its consequences is tearing me up.

easy23

Sorry you're experiencing this upsetting problem. Something similar happened in my family.

My parents (ages 89 and 91) moved in with my sister so she could take care of them. My mother started having a delusion that my father was having an affair with my sister. There was nothing we could do to stop the delusion. My sister denied the affair to her and my father ignored my mother's accusations. Neither worked. She was put on risperidone by the doctor and that lessened the hostility, but the delusion persisted.

Eventually we wound up placing her in AL. The delusion lessened while she was there, but it didn't go away.

cavenson

I think this delusion is the most difficult one to deal with. MY DH, probably in mid-stage 4, has been accusing me of having affairs with his friends (now former friends or dead) for at least 5 years. It happened again this afternoon, so your post hit home. I used to try so hard to reason with him--without any success--and it was very upsetting to me and him and usually ended in an argument. I think that I've finally become somewhat immune to his delusional rants about my infidelity. I try to remind myself that he isn't saying these things to upset me, he really believes it, and that's upsetting to him. I can't convince him it's not true. What I can do is try to calm him by addressing his anxiety and fear--tell him I haven't been unfaithful, I love him, and I'm there for him. That often calms him for the moment, but I know it will come up again. Just recognize that crazy as the accusations sound, this is Alzheimer's. If you haven't already, you may want to share your wife's delusion with your son and his wife so that they have a better understanding. One thing that helps me is to keep a daily journal where I can vent about these incidents and get them off my chest.

M1

These are extremely uncomfortable. I have two children by a previous marriage and met my partner when the kids were pretty young. She has gone back to thinking that I'm still married and have young children and she feels ambivalent about whether she should be involved with me. Very uncomfortable and there's no convincing her that that's ancient history. I don't know if there's any way to keep her off the subject and I don't like rehashing it constantly. She doesn't believe me when I tell her we've been together for29+ years.

BPS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190293#Comment_190293

I don't post much but have seen your post many times so I think that you have not only experienced a lot of what is talked about here but also read a lot about other situations and feelings. This question is for anyone. When is it better for the LO to go to assisted living or memory care then to stay at home when they have these feeling. I want to do what is right but sometimes I don't know what that is. How can she be happy living with someone that she believes is cheating on her, but on the other hand that is still home.

sawman3211

I'm no expert on this subject, but my wife was forgetting who I was. I made it clear to her to at least remember that she is my world and the love of my life and my biggest priority now is to care for her. It did help in my situation.

Jo C.

Sawman's approach often will work for a time and it is a thoughtful approach. Our Loved One's ability to use logic, judgment and processing is badly damaged; filters no longer work and emotions fly. The damaged brain can simply fixate on whatever it will fixate on; it is not purposeful. The thoughts will be whatever is in the moment; no control.

If short term methods are of no help and if the situation becomes toxic and affecting our LOs very quality of life, then it is time to speak to one's dementia specialist re medication that can assist as it can be very much a quality of life issue disrupting so much.

J.

Scooterr

I went through the same thing with my wife, me cheating and seeing other women and so on. It's very painful to have those accusations made against you and tearing your support system apart, especially coming from incontrollable delusions. I went through this for a little over a year with my wife, who at the time was 57. Four things helped me through it 1. like Jo. C said medication adjustment (wife was placed on Seroquel), 2. having her checked for UTI regular, UTI's are a pain in the ass for caregivers an their LO's, 3. You have to totally realize it's not coming from the person you once knew. Once they go further into the dementia journey the further they go from us (yes that's very hard to except but it is what it is and there's nothing we can do about it). 4. Try to build a support system outside of those who no longer support you. Sometimes that's hard to do, but there is people out there to help you. I've been lucky enough to have found a good friend on this forum who has helped me a lot. My wife is 59 now and her delusions are very minimal anymore and I can live with that and for the most part it's a UTI flare up. I wish you luck and hope for the best for you and your LO.

storycrafter

Jo C. and others above, captured my thoughts exactly about seeking re-evaluation of meds. Even if they take only a little bit of the edge off, it is helpful in our situations. When it comes to agitation, anger, hostility, resentment/etc. from our pwd, meds can make all the difference for bearing up under the onslaught.

My husband takes Seraquel 300mg, and Wellbutrin, xanax as needed for occasional anxiety attacks. It's the Seraquel that gives him the most quality of life. Without it we'd both be goners.

I've made it a lifelong practice to study the subject of "detachment" in all it's complexity (detachment is NOT withdrawal and disengagement; it's staying grounded in my self). For me the topic also includes giving myself lots of empathy which helps restore my spirit in the face of being bombarded by with spousal negativity. It's a constant practice and it isn't easy in moments of fatigue and vulnerability. We can't maintain it alone. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to deal with constant accusations of infidelity!

I've worked at developing my own support system in order to "get my head on straight." The reality check and validation from others is priceless support to my own mental health over time. Seeing a dementia/grief counselor, physical trainer, journaling, and a few friends/siblings to talk with, help keep my feet, heart, and mind, grounded.

Sending you empathy, strength, and comfort.