MCI vs the computer

SallyinSB

DH has been diagnosed with MCI, not bad, except that he is a retired computer guru, and now struggles with programs/passwords/accounting/banking/bill paying/all that. I am a retired accountant, and could easily do the accounting and bill paying, but he is reluctant to give it up - sitting at the computer figuring things out was, and still is, his life. He just can't do it well anymore, and frequently becomes frustrated (and angry) at "bad programmers" when, in fact, he doesn't write down the new password and has forgotten it by the time he has to re-enter it. Somebody else's fault. When I go into his office and offer help, he's initially receptive, but then gets angry with me because I can figure it out, but he can't. This situation is becoming acute for me. How can I convince him he needs to let this go? If he does, he feels he has nothing else to do. I've tried suggesting all the usual things: exercise, make new friends, volunteer here and there, but he doesn't want to. He wants to sit at the computer and rage at it. Any advice?

M1

Ugh i truly don't envy you, what an awful dilemma. I felt fortunate that my partner was never very computer savvy and therefore was pretty willing to give it up without much fight.

I wonder if there are ways he could use it-games, for example-that don't require actual internet connectivity, as this clearly becomes quite risky for folks who might not recognize a scam, or who are tempted by pornography. Things like changing the WiFi password and sending out for repairs are common stratagems, but these might not work for your husband. Have you googled for any advice? This has got to be a pretty common and increasingly common problem. I wish you well. Maybe someone else will have more concrete suggestions.

Anna2022

@SallyinSB, There's a lot going on for you!

If it helps at all, I'm having the same problem with my DH. I"m trying to find a balance between letting him have agency and independence but also protecting him from those dangers that we know are there. Cutting off the WIFI or changing passwords wouldn't work at this stage but is a good thing to remember for the future. I will be interested to see if others have some ideas to help!

Here's some of what I've learned:

I've learned to let him struggle with passwords and know that if he can't get into sites, no damage can be done. When he's struggled enough, he usually asks for help and then blames the computer/website/others for his struggles.

I find that there is no sense in arguing or reasoning with my DH about anything - his reasoning is flawed and he gets super agitated. As someone once said, he gets to win all arguments now. I just try to change the subject and move on. If I come back to the issue later - maybe days later, sometimes he will agree to do what I want him to do. Timing is everything with him these days.

I've taken over all finances and bill paying. It was actually easy to get him to hand over those responsibilities. I just told him I wanted to do it because I was obsessive about money these days. Sometimes I become the "fall guy" in order to make things OK and let him have an excuse to hand over responsibilities (I don't mind because I know the truth!). As a result, all financial accounts are now in my name and he does not have access. He has one small account that is joint to us both so I have access to see what he's doing there. We've had a few scares, such as him ordering large amounts of useless items, but so far, I've been able to return and get credits as needed.

Like your DH, my DH does not want to do much else - he has no interest in driving (thank goodness) but also no interest in calling friends, exercise, hobbies, games, walks, etc. His initiative and planning skills are pretty much gone. I struggle with things to do that he will enjoy. I have found that he does like to watch movies although he can't follow the plots and therefore we watch action movies that are interesting but no one really need to know the plot. We can watch things over and over because he usually doesn't remember he's seen it before! He does like to go out to lunch at restaurants and we do that twice a week, and we often ask friends to join. He's mostly quiet, during these times; I suspect he has trouble following a lot of the conversation, but sometimes he will participate, surprising us all. He says that he enjoys it and wants to go again. So, we go.

Our struggle is real!

Babz0226

I have my DH of 55 years for the last month going to Adult Day Care two days a week for a month now, he has been on this journey since 2018. This was a suggestion to me from a friend and it's 4 hours each day, but has been great for him and me I get out and get my things done and relax a little. My DH is touching stage 7 at home with me I hope I can do it until the end. I wonder how many people can really do it any suggestions or help I would love to hear. That is my goal if I can do it.???????????????

Thank you

l7pla1w2

I'm a retired computer geek (I hesitate to say "guru"), so I can empathize with your DH. My skills aren't what they once were, but in my case it's because the field moves so quickly, and if you're not actively engaged, it gets away from you.

In my case, it's my DW whose computer skills are slipping away. She used to keep up with her email, but no longer, and she claims no one sends her any. If I remind her to look at her email, she asks how to do it. If I suggest she look at a web page on example.com, she asks how to do that. She used to pay our bills via the bank's bill-pay; now she says she never did that. I'm the one who gets frustrated and (sometimes) angry that I have to show her how to do things.

Because DW can't remember anything, she has trouble reading material on computer screens, so she prints out everything. That leads to two problems:

1) She loses the paper in the jumble on her desk.

2) She obsessively removes blank parts of pages, but also headers, footers, and email headers. It then becomes hard to know just where the information on the page came from, or when, when she inevitably asks where it came from. She often will say "so and so just sent me this." She's got in her hand an old email or a page she printed after following a link in a web page. "Why did they send this to me?"

Another thing. DW's email inbox has over 500 unread messages. (That's down from 3500 that we pruned recently.) If she starts to look through them, she'll say "I never saw this." Well, yeah, you won't see it if you don't look at your email. Grrr.

SallyinSB

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190574#Comment_190574

Your suggestions are really great! I'm starting to let him struggle with various websites/passwords and not interfere, even though I know I could fix the problem with a few keystrokes. I'm going to wait till I'm asked, see if that helps. I sure don't like getting yelled at because "I think I know everything." At the moment, he locked himself out of his google accounts (email, calendar, all that) by changing the password and NOT WRITING IT DOWN! Drives me nuts, but he can't do much harm there. We've discussed me taking over paying the bills, and I feel that will happen pretty soon. And if he locks himself out of his Amazon account, I have my own. 🙂 I have lots of out-of-the-house activities but he has few, and I'm going to just let that be the case. I tell him where I'm going and when I'll be back, write those details on the whiteboard by the back door, and he still forgets and calls half way through my music rehearsal asking when I'll be home. I see that a lot of this is me needing to adjust to the situation.

Iris L.

Your PWDs are struggling. Help them.

Iris

M1

Sally im sure you're frustrated, but you are entirely right that you are going to have to adapt; he can't. Your comment about out of house activities concerns me a little, in that the day may slip up on you that it's not safe to leave him by himself-especially with unfettered computer and phone access. He probably doesn't have the executive function to plan activities for himself, and will inevitably rely on you for initiating those things too. It's all very sad and heartbreaking. The sooner you get past being mad at him, the better off you'll be.