my DW is bored

l7pla1w2

My highly educated DW is bored. She has MCI, so her memory retention is a couple of minutes at best. Normal activities that would engage someone are beyond her: she can't read a book or newspaper, because she retains nothing. The same is true for watching TV programs or movies that involve somewhat complicated plots. I try choosing programs/movies that I think she might like, but she'll often walk out after awhile. I'm not sure why.

I would like to find activities DW can do on her own that she would enjoy (and that would give me some free time). We tried a day program, but she didn't like it. I think she may have had trouble doing the activities and was frustrated.

I've tried to interest her in jigsaw puzzles and adult coloring books, but she wasn't interested. I'm looking for suggestions.

M1

Welcome to the forum. This may sound flippant, but I don't mean it to be: does she tell you she's bored, or are you projecting that you think she's bored? There is so much more to dementia than just the memory loss, there is apathy, and loss of executive function, such that she may not be able to initiate any activity and cannot maintain the attention span to complete an activity, even with prompting. All of this can be heartbreaking, and can make it very hard to provide any engagement. People talk about failure-free activities, such as raking leaves, folding laundry, sorting (buttons, screws), or certain cleaning tasks- my partner was always an obsessive housecleaner and loved to vacuum, over and over and over.

I'm struck by watching different residents in my partner's memory care, there are those who can sit for hours without moving, and there are others who compulsively move and wander (the latter group drives my partner to distraction and do seem to be much harder for the staff to care for). My partner is an introvert and doesn't like group activities. She will do art projects if i do them with her, though with progression of her disease even following simple instructions for these is becoming much more difficult. If left to her own devices, she will move possessions in her room from place to place, continually "packing up" as though she were leaving. She can't read, watch tv or a movie, or even listen to music.

Wish i had more concrete suggestions. I certainly empathize with your dilemma. Maybe the day program is worth another try, or maybe you just need to let her be. Others may have other ideas for you. This forum is a good place both for practical advice and for moral support.

Jeanne C.

Have you tried coffee table books? My husband is an animal lover so I got him photography books with dogs, horses, etc. They aren't children's picture books. There's enough copy to engage him, but not too much as the focus is the photography. He can start and stop anywhere. He uses them independently but we also look at them together. A good example is The Dogist.

CStrope

I began putting dog themed videos on for DH. Sometimes it's just random youtube videos, but there are also a wide variety of programs about dogs. We found a series where people talk while walking through the hills of Scotland with their dogs. I think it's where James Herriot wrote his books. Those were really interesting, but not filled with complicated content.

harshedbuzz

@l7pla1w2

Is she bored or is it a situation where you need or want her to be occupied by something?

For some PWD the apathy is so pronounced that they don't really care to do much of anything. Sometimes a PWD will enjoy an activity but only if they're sharing it with the caregiver scaffolding it.

My dad could decode, but like your wife his short-term memory was such that he couldn't get much out of. Same for most TV. Dad was a life-long car enthusiast and did enjoy the auto auction channel on TV. Other folks have found their LO does best with programming they enjoyed when they were younger and perhaps watched many times-- things like I Love Lucy, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Lawrence Welk, westerns, etc. She may do better with something familiar.

Music can be a good activity. Most folks find that music from a PWD's teenage era to be almost magic.

I found my aunt was into clothing and liked the Dover Adult Coloring Books that had themes like fashions from the 1960s or Royal Family. Her MCF would make copies so she could do them again and again. They have books devoted to gardens, cars, architecture styles, animals, quilts-- there may be something that speaks to her or not. My aunt had been an admin in her career and enjoyed playing around with office supplies-- cutting pictures out of magazines and catalogs and glueing or stapling them to paper.

One of my friends got her mom a Joy for All robotic cat (they have dogs, too). It wasn't realistic really, but they can be compelling because they interact with the PWD. This brought her mom hours of entertainment after the real cats started to avoid her.

HB

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190565#Comment_190565

I'm pretty sure she's bored, although I definitely want her to be occupied with something. Many mornings she will say, "I don't know what I'm doing today." It was on one of those mornings that I took her to the day program, but that didn't work out for us.

She does spend time cutting pictures she likes from calendars and mailings, and she tapes them on her bedroom mirror, her bulletin board, and her (extra) computer monitor. I have suggested she should put them all in a scrapbook, which would have the added benefit of de-cluttering parts of the house. However, when I pointed out a scrapbook to her in a store, she said she didn't want it. Maybe I should have bought it anyway, just to see what would happen.

We could watch TV programs we've already watched. I think she would need my help to operate the TV. (We have a universal remote that can get confused if not pointed at the TV, etc.) Also, I think she would want me there so I could explain what's going on. I guess it's better to watch unscripted shows, like nature videos, that don't require me, once they're set up.

It would be important for her to want to do something. I don't think sitting her in front of a TV as a pacifier would work.

l7pla1w2

Re: attention span and executive function

Yes, those are issues. DW increasingly has trouble planning or following directions. With regard to directions, she's losing the association between objects and their names, so if I tell her to put something on the counter next to the stove, she has trouble identifying the stove. She hasn't driven in a couple of years, though she would claim she has, but she wouldn't know how to get anywhere. She doesn't remember where businesses and offices are, what the names of streets are (including in our neighborhood) or where they go.

On the one hand, DW does seem to have attention span problems, yet she will sit at her desk for long periods of time "puttering". If I'm there, she will ask me lots of questions. If I'm not, she will shuffle through the disorganized pieces of paper on her desk. She may find an appealing picture and cut it out.

CindyBum

My MIL, who had been an emergency room nurse, did the NY Times crossword puzzle, read multiple newspapers per day and was a voracious reader, ended up loving to watch Hallmark movies as her memory faded. She would watch them 1 right after the other, sometimes all day long. Same plot with always the same ending. The lack of complications or anything but two people falling in love and a happy ending gave her such a sense of calm.

Denise1847

I bought some National Geographic magazines and some "Remember When" books which lasted for about a week.

annie51

I can relate to what you're saying. My DH can't do much on his own but likes to putter around in the yard and pick up leaves, etc. It's hard to find things for him to do that don't involve me. He accompanies me on all errands. He likes to watch movies but I have to set them up on the TV. Lately he's been getting upset if I'm not watching with him, even if I'm in the same room watching something else (with earbuds) or on my computer. It's tiring because it feels like there's no time for myself.

Judy.T.

I took a photo of us and made it into an easy puzzle at Walgreens. My DH puts it together to see who is in it. LOL He likes that is is someone he can recognize.

Bluebird

My husband likes to do sticker art books. He will spend hours doing them. You can get them on Amazon. He also likes simple, 100 piece or less, puzzles. For the puzzles I have to put together the outside edge then he will do the rest. He also likes helping so I have him do the laundry & fold the clothes. He also washes the dishes and puts them away.

Persuasion

"My highly educated DW is bored.  ..." That is my DW. We watch classical music concerts on YouTube (Premium, no commercials). She is interested and does not seem bored. Walking Alice video tours on YouTube does also well. The Parisian Agency on Netflix is also good. Still, it requires my being near. In my opinion, she IS bored. She clearly misses the well informed conversations she used to have with friends and family.

l7pla1w2

Informed conversations: I've come to realize that I can't have useful conversations with DW about current events. We get a print edition of the local newspaper daily, and DW "reads" it, at least partially. But since she retains nothing, she can't even say what the most important story of the day or week is. She certainly doesn't remember big events from the past, like 9/11. I have to have my adult conversations with other people, such as in person or on mailing lists. (I don't do social media, unless you consider these group discussions to be social media.)

I didn't know about Walking Alice before. Thanks. Those videos look they have possibilities.

We like classical music and go to live concerts. I'm not sure of DW's (or my) willingness to watch one on TV.

Persuasion

I try to have my DW fully engaged in my daily activities to keep her from being bored. The boredom seems to lead to episodes during the day which I call “what is your name? and where is my husband?” episodes, which can last up to two hours, and are usually very stressful. For those activities I use a to-do list which I prepare the previous night or in the morning. She is aware of this list and we use it to get through the day. It helps us to stay close and keeps her engaged in what is going on around her. The activities consist of all the chores, cooking, shopping, some of my woodworking (very brief), and outings to museums and restaurants. 

housefinch

It’s also possible that your PWD lacks the executive function skill to do what I would call “independent play” in a child and cannot tolerate the uncertainty of unstructured time because they no longer have the capacity to fill it. My child with autism and intellectual disability is similar. She has to have a schedule made by me or together, and needs frequent reassurance of what activities are next, etc. I think a reduced attention span and difficulty planning independent activities because of diminished skills to choose activities and accomplish them can be mistaken for boredom.

Emily 123

Hello l7pla1w2, It sounds like, from your posts, your wife might be around stage 4 or even 5?

https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

If it wasn't a habit in the past she may not pick up something new now. The loss of executive function and apathy that occur as the disease progresses may mean that you just point her towards the things she does seem to enjoy--cutting out and taping up pictures, puttering around her desk. Music from a person's youth is a great way to go as well. Tons of things on Youtube, or set up a Pandora account for her.

So often there's a mismatch between what we as caregivers naturally want for our PWD (engagement, interaction, comprehension, facility) and what they can do. Trying to keep a PWD at a level they can no longer meet due to the disease progression will challenge them, and not in a good way. Their world is narrowing, and they'll do better handling less information and input as time progresses. As wrong as it feels, it's ok to let them be less engaged.

She may be at the point in the disease where ‘out of sight is out of mind’ and some visual things that trigger her need to organize, like a calendar, or a deskful of papers, or a full email inbox, could probably be removed. You've said she used to be neat and tidy, but now prints out everything. The printer is a substitute for her memory, her desk is a reflection of how the disease is disorganizing her mind.

It might be more soothing for her to have a tidy desk with items that don't trigger her desire to organize--she can't anymore, but doesn't realise it. Maybe just set it up with things for the projects she likes to do. My mother was very orderly too, and it took removing all the visual cues from her desk to get her to stop worrying about managing her household affairs (emails, mail, files, paperwork).

Since adult daycare was a wash, can you get an aide in to be with her some days? Maybe they can go walk the dog, or do other things. The aides can do light housekeeping and meal prep too. That would allow you to have some free time. In the long run, care decisions need to encompass both the caregiver and PWD's needs.

AnnieTB

Funny, I went on this site precisely because my DH was complaining about having nothing to do, then I see this post. He IS in a social program twice per week, I often to take him to the YMCA (says he doesn’t like it anymore, would rather work out in ‘Jim’s Gym,’ AKA, the basement.) I plan things all the time, just today we are heading out of town for a dinner hosted by friends, and overnight with other friends, but I can’t entertain him all the time. The suggestions here are good, and I am appreciative, will try some but mostly he is just unsettled, I feel. Thanks for sharing.

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190927#Comment_190927

Thank you for that list. Yes, DW is definitely Stage 4 with some elements of Stage 5. Looking further down the list, the behaviors are really daunting for caregivers.

"The printer is a substitute for her memory, her desk is a reflection of how the disease is disorganizing her mind." Yes, absolutely true. I had already concluded that.

I don't know whether she would accept my messing with her desk. I don't know that "out of sight, out of mind" would work. We have someone clean once a week, and DW stashes stuff in her desk drawers so her desktop is tidy. Then she takes it all out again afterward.

Getting an aide: I would like to. I haven't figured out a way to do that that doesn't trigger a "Why do I need help. There's nothing wrong" response. A friend suggested saying I thought we needed additional help to clean a little bit. I like our current cleaners, and they would not be useful as health aides.

sbcspin

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190936#Comment_190936

I'm sort of in your situation. My husband doesn't need help (beyond me) yet, but I wanted to make him comfortable with other people in the house. Not happening.

The advice given to me was: Always say it is for you (not them)."I need some help with bills, cleaning and other stuff and these folks are coming in to help me out." My husband was quite okay with that.

DTSbuddy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67324/my-dw-is-bored

DTSbuddy

I have gone through the same search, and have discovered that I can get a just a little free time by turning on videos of tennis matches, people skiing, and people going to parks and hiking. He also will stay with a video of concertos with symphonies for a little while. Other than that, he needs someone else to do things with him, or he wanders or starts rearranging things. He was always handy & helpful around the house, so, with some supervision, he can fold laundry, make beds, sort silverware, sweep porchs & sidewalks and push the vacuum. He is restless, so we go for an hour walk almost daily, A couple days a week, he walks with a helper. He sometimes enjoys watching old musicals on utube. He likes scrolling through a computer collection of family pictures, but forgets which button to push. He likes to change his clothes multiple times, and sort through a box of old maps. I talk to him a bit about what he or we are doing, but I'm not sure how much of what I say he understands. He does understand smiles and hugs, though, that is for sure. Good luck.

LaneyG

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/190690#Comment_190690

LaneyG

Gosh I can so relate to all said in this discussion. I have used many of the suggestions and I look forward to trying others. My husband is on my heels all day long. Most common question is “what are we going to do next?” I get 0 time to myself.

Thanks for the many suggestions.

I need to get to a place where he will accept inside help and/or attend a program without seeing it as babysitting or a sign of weakness or craziness.

Belle

@l7pla1w2

I was able to remove things from DH's view and he would not remember to look for them even before he was diagnosed (probably stage 4, same as your wife). You may want to experiment removing some of the papers that cause her anxiety and replace them with something else that won't trigger her reactions. Start small and you may be surprised that she doesn't notice. Now, even if DH does ask about something I've removed I can deflect him onto another topic in about 3 sentences and usually he never brings it up again.

MN Chickadee

My mother was similar. Previously highly intelligent, social, skilled, busy. Once Alz started to take those away she was bored, and boredom led to mischief. Taking furniture apart apart, cutting up things she shouldn't, taking stuff out of the freezer to melt, hiding things, foraging, hoarding you name it. The only thing that helped was a day program. She too hated it at first. It was hell to get her to go the first 8 weeks. I used therapeutic fibs and said she was volunteering there and just kept at it and muddled through the difficulty of knowing she was unhappy there. Finally she settled in and it was the best thing that could have happened to us. She bonded with the staff and they found work she could do to feel useful clearing tables, helping others with their crafts and she thought she worked there after a while. I know a day program isn't for everyone but I do encourage anyone considering one to give it a long time before giving up on it. As she progressed she really liked sorting things like buttons. She loved her Joy for All cat and all the various fidget products that exist now (ask a kid if you aren't familiar.) The boredom and apathy is common with dementia but difficult to solve at home. A hired aide may help, you could say she's a volunteer or student who needs hours for school or something. Seems like finding others to not only give you respite will be in order but they will be a change in scenery and conversation for her.

Diana Koritz

I still have time, I see.

Try a simple math equation.

Computer!

Music ...😑 oldies

My Mother was bored, however she seemed so perfect to me. That I never thought she was sick.

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191979#Comment_191979

Just the other day, DW intentionally dropped a pile of papers off her desk onto the floor. She needed to clear her desk because we were getting cleaned. She said she needed a box for the papers, so I got one. She said she didn't need them any longer, so the box went into a closet, and tonight they go out with the recycling. Her desk is still a mess, just a smaller one.

I have to be careful though. She has started taking papers off my desk to look at and then leaves them on her desk, where they can get lost. Yesterday we found a few somewhat important items of mine that she apparently threw into the trash. Except by chance, they would be gone.

I also have to be careful about utility and credit card bills. DW says she wants to look at them, but they can end up buried in her desk clutter. I at least have to remember to look for them.

Oh, yeah, this, too. I like to open bills and other mail to look at, then stuff all the accompanying materials back into the envelope they came in until I take care of them. DW tends to separate bills and requests for money from charities, and it can be hard to figure out what went with what. It's more an annoyance than anything, because she'll ask where the envelope is for some donation slip. (We pay bills online, so I don't care about those envelopes.)

Famcal

My wife, in a similar situation as yours, colors for hours at a time using coloring pencils and coloring books from Amazon. Sometimes I print pages from the web for her. Search for "Mandelas". She seems to get a great deal of accomplishment from it. We ordered a blanket for her with some of her artwork printed on it.

JeriLynn66

As difficult as it may be, I would go online for all bill pay and eliminate any paper statements. Important papers must be locked away for safety. Could you perhaps lock YOUR desk and keep things safe?

l7pla1w2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191993#Comment_191993

I'm a retired software developer, so I don't trust that email will always reach me. That's why I continue to get statements on paper by mail. (Except for our bank, which decreed that it would start charging for statements by mail. Grrr. So they notify me new ones are available by email.)

I could certainly "hide" papers in a desk drawer. DW did manage to lose the most Discover Card statement, but I was able to print a new one from the website. With most utilities you can at least learn the balance by calling them. As long as I know we got a bill, I can probably figure out how much to pay.

If DW starts going through drawers, I will have to start locking them. So far we haven't reached that point.