Explaining Dad's condition to him

RCornell14804

Hi everyone!

My father has had 3 "episodes" in the last 2 weeks where he is delusional and aggressively combatant. I had the State police take him to the Emergency Room during one of the last ones. I had taken him to the same ER 4 days prior. The doctors advised that there is nothing medically wrong and that I should take him home. He cannot return home for his own safety as well as the safety of my mother (and anyone else, for that matter).

I visit Dad nearly every day and he just can't remember why they won't let him go home. I have explained a few times that the doctors need to adjust his medications. He keeps calling home at all hours of the night for my mom to come pick him up.

Mom is in late-stage COPD with emphysema and just recently, Stage 3 lung cancer.

I just don't know what to say to my father about why he can't come home. Do I keep telling him the same "adjust the meds" story or is there something else I should be explaining to him?

He has not been told about the stage 3 lung cancer. He is in a small hospital with no dementia or psych resources. The last I checked, he had still not been admitted to the hospital, but is classified as "under observation".

I just don't know what to tell him about not coming home. Any insight? Thanks so much!

Randy in NY

M1

Welcome to the forum. You are doing the right thing to refuse to take him home, you need to continue to do that and request transfer to a hospital with a geriatric psychiatry ward. Full stop. The social workers there can then help you with next steps, but first things first. Im sorry it's so difficult.

Emily 123

Hi Randy,

I think it seems like you're choosing the best route, telling him something to keep him calm. There's usually no golden phrase that's going to work, because the disease has affected his ability to retain what you're telling him. Sometimes you can find a reason that resonates more than others, but that's about as good as it gets. Every time he wonders when he'll go home will generate a question or phone call to you or your mom, which he'll promptly forget. It helps to know that this is more a function of his being confused because he can't retain information than being unhappy. But it will make you feel awful every time you have to field that question. Meds will help him become calmer.

As for the calls... it's ok to let them go to voicemail and get back to him on your own schedule. He's not going to remember talking to you when he does call, so they'll continue whether you pick up right away or not. In this case, probably better for mom (and you) to get a good night's sleep?

Good luck!

Iris L.

First, seek transfer to a geriatric psychiatric unit for PWDs (patients either dementia). It csn take several week to find the right medications and dosages. During this time, have the hospital social worker help you locate a long term memory care facility. Read a lot of threads regarding placement.

Iris