Delusions that are so hurtful

SB324

Any one have experience with your DW having a delusion that you are having an affair? This has happened to me 4 or 5 times over the last 6 months. It is always the same person which I hardly know. It breaks my heart that I am being accused of this. How do you not defend yourself? If you do it only causes an argument. What do you say?

Thanks

TerrificWeber

I'm accused daily of having an affair or affairs. I've been told AL Care Consultant to just say "'I'm sorry you feel that way" and try to change the subject. This has been a very stressful situation. I'd love to hear what others have to say & respond to these accusation.

Dio

I wasn't accused of having affairs but filing for divorce. I asked DH why he thought so. His answer: "Because I'm sick." It was so heart-wrenching to hear! I felt his fear, helplessness and pain. No matter. Nothing I did or said convinced him otherwise. I recited our personally written vows which our best man had gifted us in a framed calligraphy art. DH didn't believe it. He also didn't believe the date of our wedding, which was inscribed in our unity candle. He said it was fake. During this phase, he wouldn't sign any forms I placed in front of him claiming they're divorce papers. Whenever I talked to my friends, he'd ask whether I was asking them for divorce attorney referrals. Saying "I'm sorry you feel this way" definitely did not help the situation at all. I got so fed up that I finally yelled back, "if I want to divorce you, I'd be gone already!" I even threatened to leave the house on the spot. It sort of shocked him and he backed off momentarily. Next day, he started packing his suitcase claiming I wanted him gone. Geez! Some people admonished me for saying that. But, hey, they are not walking in my shoes. This lasted about 3-4 months until he was diagnosed more accurately and got the right medication. Accusations literally stopped overnight. I was floored by the sudden change in behavior. This was still early in our journey and there was so much for me to learn about LBD. I had watched all kinds of videos from experts like Teepa Snow on how to handle situations. None worked for my DH. I was literally drowning, helpless and frightened. As the disease progressed, more difficult behaviors developed. I had to be creative and developed my own techniques, purely out of survival mode. It was a constant challenge in trying out this or that--from tender love to tough love and everything in between. Some worked once or twice but never lasted and couldn't be repeated.

Here's something for you to try which helped me somewhat. It was recommended by a member in another support group. Buy/wear a t-shirt that displays big and bold "I Love You (even better if his name is included)." I bought two. One with "I Love You" and another "I Love You to the Moon and Back" with me adding verbally, "Never gonna let you go!" He was quite tickled when I wore my t-shirts and loved the second one and the added tagline. This sort of became our motto. I'd tell him "I love you to the moon and back" and "never gonna let you go" every chance I got. He always responded with the same verbiage and we'd share a hug or a kiss. It worked for a few months until it didn't. This was when I knew it was time for placement (among many other reasons).

It's so difficult to bear when falsely accused of something you didn't do. However, defending your innocence will be futile! Their brain can't reason the same way we do. You have to learn to let it go. It will be very hard to do, but try to hear the accusations as if he had said, "You are green (or purple)!" Your brain will not be able to process this statement or internalize it cuz it simply doesn't make sense. Or if you can, put in earplugs and listen to your favorite music, or say "I love you--nothing you accuse me of is going to change that," and walk away.

Wishing you a smoother journey!

BPS

My wife has been accusing me of having an affair with our 18 year old granddaughter. It was very upsetting and still is and hard to not try and help them to understand it is not true. I have agued, but that did no good. The last time I stayed calm and told her that I understand that she believes that and there is nothing I can do to change her mind, but it is not true, and I walked away and went to another room. A half hour later when I came back she acted as if it had never happened. After she make these accusations and then thing get back to normal, I always wonder if she still believes it and just not saying anything at the time, or if the whole idea and belief is gone until next time. What makes it harder is that now my son don't come over much with his family including our granddaughter because we don't want to upset her. I have told him about it but I can't bring myself to explain to my granddaughter what her grandma thinks and says. He understands and is still supportive but just not here much. Dio mentioned medication and I would be interested in knowing what medication worked for her. Our doctor has talked about Olanzapine but we don't have any yet.

ghphotog

Yes, my DW thinks I have other girlfriends all the time.

I've heard that even friendly hugs between friends can misinterpreted by someone with dementia. We have a lot of friends and many are female. It's always customary to hug either when meeting or leaving.

Dio

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191022#Comment_191022

Please be mindful that not everyone reacts to meds the same way. DH tried Olanzapine too but that didn't curb his behavior one bit. It was when his psychiatrist, without any prior experience in dementia, researched symptoms I had described and consulted colleagues that Lewy Body Dementia was first mentioned. He prescribed a low dose of rivastigmine/Aricept, and that night after taking just one pill my DH slept peacefully and in the morning was like a changed person. I'm not exaggerating. We enjoyed this new amenable him for about a month before the disease continued to run its course and other behaviors surfaced, although he never again accused me of committing any "crimes." Throughout, we kept adjusting meds and now he's on low dose donepezil along with a pretty high dose of divalproex (aka sprinkles) and low dose Quetiapine. He's been on this for about a month and has kept him manageable, not completely "normal," just manageable. I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop cuz past experience is about every two months we need to adjust something.

l7pla1w2

You are not alone with such accusations, as you can tell

In my case, DW tends to wake up when I go to the bathroom in early morning and I desperately want to sleep some more. (And, of course, it would be helpful if she slept some more, too.) She asks, "Why are you leaving me?" She claims I am leaving her for her friend, or my personal trainer, and I have to calm her, reassure her, and hug her. With luck, we both get to go back to sleep.

Another of her recurring delusions is that I don't really live in our house, but have another one somewhere else. Yesterday she insisted that I never sleep in our bed with her, or that I come in late at night or leave early in the morning, and that's why she never sees me (she claims).

Her assertions no longer hurt or surprise me. I just recognize them as effects of dementia that I can't do much about.