Seeking advice for mom with ALZ

TU2823

Hello, I’m looking for some advice regarding how I can better communicate with my mom who has early ALZ. She has trouble with memory, focus, finding her words, and misunderstanding our discussions…which leads to her thinking i said something I didn’t and creating conflict. I know I’m not supposed to say things like “Mom do u remember”, “we already talked about this”, “That’s not what I told u-“. I pray for patience for myself and a better way to communicate with her so she can understand. This isn’t about me- she can’t help this but it’s hard to be the “bad guy”. Any suggestions I would very much appreciate!

M1

welcome to the forum. Language difficulty is definitely part of the disease, and there may not be much you can do if it's a processing problem, except repeat calmly the correct information. Unfortunately, this ends up being a huge barrier, and you end up really not being able to talk to your loved one the way you used to--don't discuss things that don't have to be discussed, really. You will end up having very superficial and repetitive conversations, and that is painful--but it is the reality. This is part of the loss of the person before the actual death. I wish i had more concrete suggestions, but I don't. My partner and I end up talking about weather, meals, and the same subject matter over and over--such as memories of her parents and siblings, which is about all she remembers now.

TU2823

Thank you so much for the advice and feedback. I understand these things it’s just nice to hear from others to confirm my thinking. I like what u said about not discussing things that don’t need discussing- so very true. I’ve found that less is more and too many details just adds to the confusion. It’s such a hard topic but I think this forum will b very helpful. I can’t imagine what it’s like for my mom feeling confused and not finding the words- I’m sure it’s frustrating the most for her. Thanks again!

psg712

I have learned the hard way that, as you said, less is more. It's hard to see someone you love lose the ability to communicate meaningfully.

SiberianIris

“At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

I've always liked this quote. I think it's applicable for all people, and especially those with dementia.

While people with dementia are losing other abilities, their abilities to feel and sense meaning from our tone of voice, facial expression, and body language remain strong (and sometimes appear to become stronger).

Whenever I'm with my mom or speaking with her on the phone, and I try to remind myself of the above quote AND to be in her reality as much as possible. I use fewer words, speak a little more slowly, and try to have a smile in my voice. Things go better for both of us.

Sometimes I will take the blame for something just to keep the peace. Like if she thinks I said or did something that I didn't, I won't argue about it or try to set the record straight. I'll just say something like "I'm sorry. I messed up. I won't do it again." and redirect her to something else. The secret formula is ARR: Acknowledge -> Reassure -> Redirect (couldn't find a pirate emoji 😊)

When I find my patience wearing thin, I take one of my pre-planned escape routes ("I need to go to the bathroom", "I need to check on ...", etc.) to temporarily remove myself for a break.

TU2823

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191662#Comment_191662

Thank u all for ur messages. I understand “taking the blame”. It’s what is best. I recently did this and I tell myself it’s not about being right…it’s about being happy- keeping the peace- moving on. Prioritizing is so important. The part of this that’s hard for me is my loved one saying I don’t care and don’t love them. She misunderstands and it’s not her fault… but it’s still hard to hear. Forgiveness is a gift for myself even though she misunderstands. My husbands parents have their mental capacities but have physical ailments- I feel like that is sometimes easier to deal with. I recently joined this forum and I find this soooo helpful. I can say what I’m thinking but won’t get in trouble for it 🤣 Amazing!

Jain

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191662#Comment_191662

Thank you for sharing and these words, very helpful.

I will be spending some extended time with my Mother soon and am praying for patience. I have printing out the ARR - Acknowledge, Reassure and Redirect. I do find myself doing that a lot (especially the re-directing).

The quote is amazing too - printing that out as well!

Thank you! Just joined and finding great advice already!