mom's delusion

irene912

Mom says our home, where she lives, is my husband's work & she's an employee answering phones. She's mad about not getting paid. I don't know what to do. I feel like she's seriously mad. As many times as we say it's not true, it does no good. I guess it's because my husband does work from home, so in her mind it's a place of business. If she holds a grudge against my husband, it's not possible to live here with us anymore. Ugh. Any advice?

M1

Irene is she on any medications for her delusions? Sounds like she could potentially really benefit from such an intervention to make life easier for all of you..:

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191508#Comment_191508

shes on antidepressant & anxiety med

easy23

Maybe she would benefit from seroquel or risperidone. If you have a geriatric psychiatrist they can prescribe it for your mother.

M1

Ask about an antipsychotic like seroquel or risperidone. Those are more likely to be effective in this scenario. There's no point in arguing with her.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191534#Comment_191534

I agree, no point in arguing but I can't go along with it either. I actually just said, 'don't worry about working mom, you're getting your money the same as you always have.' Does no good either. No good answer to this.

terei

Coming up with an answer that satisfies her is the key. Telling her that her belief is not true is just inviting a conflict. My first response would be ‘You are not getting paid? Oh, my goodness, that’s not right! I will talk to H right away + get this worked out.’. If she continues, I would tell her that if she is not getting paid, she really has to quit the job.

Going along with delusions was the way I was able to keep my mom satisfied about her situation. She felt that she wanted to move to an apartment by herself(she was in MC). I told her I understood she was unhappy + that she should come up with a workable plan to move + I would implement it. She could not, of course. After giving her an answer, changing the subject + directing her to a different activity or ice cream would usually work

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191619#Comment_191619

Telling her Quitting the job is actually a great idea. Also, the moving to an apartment if she can arrange it is also brilliant. Thank you so much. And ice cream never hurt! haha

jfkoc

So pay her. Write a check that you will deposit for her...not!

Quilting brings calm

Just tell her she’s getting paid in room and board, or books, or puzzles, or coffee etc. or a very small amount of cash. Cash that you can pick up and put away if she leaves it out.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

You could maybe also make fake bank deposit statements and occasionally print it out and hand it to her. Maybe after some time she'll forget her plight of poor work culture.

If she's not aware of the date anymore, you could say something on repeat like "payday is tomorrow/next week. I know it's tough waiting. Thank you for your patience."

"Thank you for your patience/cooperation" is a key phrase I tell my mom and she usually responds favorably to it

wsugioka

There is awesome "fake" money on Amazon that you could pay her with.

Also, her delusions ARE true to her. It's easier to go along and will make her much happier. I recommend finding Teepa Snow on You Tube and checking out her teaching. She has been mega helpful for me.

Anonymousjpl123

One of the best things I have learned in the memory care family support group are tools for “redirecting” and “de-escalating.” It’s more for you and your husband than your mom. She can’t control her thoughts, and where they take her. That doesn’t make it any less difficult for the two of you though!

So the gist of these tools is this-

mom: ”Why am I not being paid for answering the phones?”

You: “Has it felt very busy lately? That must be stressful. I’ll make sure you have money from your paycheck. Is there something you need to buy?”

mom: “No, it’s just not right! How would YOU feel if you were working for someone and not being paid?”

You: “I would be super pissed. It’s really not right. I’ll talk to my husband and we will both make sure you are taken care of. Are you hungry?”

It seems crazy, and I’m not all that good at it yet, but in the moments when I can ground myself with my mom it really really works.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191619#Comment_191619

Saying to quit is good advice. She's stopped mentioning this as much now. But I have used your advice about her implementing a plan for certain things. 'You want to get rid of all your furniture & buy new mom? (when it's perfectly fine & doesn't even sit on said couch). Ok, you let me know what couch you want that'll fit there & we'll get it.'