Bye kitty

psg712

I tried to write this post yesterday. Only typed the title and then just lost it. Big ugly cry. Trying again now.

I mentioned a while back that my mom had a cat in AL, and that I was trying to negotiate with the facility director to let the cat stay with her after a transfer to MC. Most who commented here recommended that I rehome the cat. I saw the practical wisdom of that but struggled with the idea of separating mom from her constant companion of 13 years. Really felt that she'd grieve and decline quickly.

Well, while waiting for a room to open up in MC, mom got covid and was admitted to the hospital. The hospital stay is a story in itself! She was in for 18 days, recovered from covid but so weak that her current facility recommended short term rehab in a skilled nursing home for daily PT. She's now been there for 2 weeks and is regaining strength. Just about back to baseline cognitively.

She's been away from her cat for a month now, has never mentioned him directly but does react when anyone says the word cat. Of course her language skills are not great. So it's very hard to tell if she thinks of him or not. But knowing that an AL staff person had in the past offered to take him if he ever needed a new home, I finally bit the bullet and did it. Kitty and all of his things moved out to join his new family today. Last night I took my husband and young son to say goodbye, since they have often helped with litter duty and such.

When mom is finished with rehab, she will be going back to her old facility, but directly to MC in a different building. She won't be in her old AL room where she would certainly be triggered to look for her cat. Still, I dread having her ask where he is.

We have long been past the point where she can make any significant decisions for herself. She has trouble choosing between lemonade and tea at lunch! I'm used to operating for her, yet giving her precious cat away was a lot harder than most of the things I've had to initiate. Maybe it was just one more dose of the hard realities that come with dementia. Moving her out of her house and out of state to be near me, selling her car and house, agreeing to memory care ... now giving away her best friend.

Very few of my family understand the extent of her decline (even when I tell them ... they haven't seen it on the daily so it isn't real for them). So I can't even tell them this. My sister knows, and has had sleepless nights over it. She accepted my decision, I think knows it's necessary but she rescued that cat and gave him to mom the year our dad died, so it's super personal to her.

One day at a time ... this disease really does take everything. Everything but the love of God, which I trust is still sure for mom even if she is not consciously aware of it.

Thanks everyone for listening to this long story. I know folks here understand the grief of all these changes.

terei

One thing that was very hard for me to do was to not project the way I felt about something to how my mother felt. It became clear to me that my mom was very apathetic starting at about stage 4. Her emotions were very blunted + she seemed not to notice or care about things I thought would upset her a lot. Things I thought would be very frustrating for her just did not seem to affect her very much.

What I am trying to say is that many of the issues you mention are likely affecting YOU much more than they are impacting your mother. It is hard to accept the massive mental changes of LO but it helps to step back + observe how your mother is actually handling something separate from your (more normal) reactions + feelings toward things

M1

Agree with Terei-and i don't mean this critically, but i also suspect you are projecting your feelings about the loss of the pet (and the normalcy that represents) onto your mom. My bet is that with all the moving parts of covid, rehab, memory care, she won't even notice the cats absence, and I certainly wouldn't bring it up. Hope she recovers and gets settled soon.

psg712

Thank you both for your wise thoughts. I was surprised that she never asked about the cat while in the hospital. If this had happened a year ago, she would have obsessed over his well-being in her absence. Now ... yes, I've seen other evidence of that apathy you mention. I hope that she truly does forget him, even though that is sad too. I asked her recently where she was staying before she went to the hospital, but she had no idea. And yes, we definitely don't mention the cat to her!

Emily 123

My mom got very foggy and apathetic with the covid too, so maybe in a way it's eased the transition of something you dreaded. I think we take our blessings where we can. I know you've had so much to handle, and it's been a lot. But...You did a wonderful thing for her constant companion by finding it a good home where it will receive good care. That's what your mom would have wanted.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

I'm sorry it came to it but I'm glad you were able to do what was best for her kitty. We also "lost" a cat to dementia. Mom's needs were extremely high at the same time our elderly cat was having health complications. It was unfeasible to manage both mom and the cat's decline so we opted to put the cat to sleep. She was almost twenty years old and it was so hard. We were relieved to give her a pain free and peaceful passing.

May God bless you with a peace beyond understanding as you continue this path with your mother

psg712

Thank you Emily and CatsWithHands. It's such a comfort to find people who understand and will speak truth with care on this journey.

Smilescountry

I am so sorry about the cat, but I do agree with the others. One thing to keep in mind--IF your mom does begin to mention the cat, there are toy cats out there that purr and move slightly. A lady at the facility where my parents are has one, and she keeps it in her lap almost all the time. She finds it very comforting and treats it as if it were real. (And it looks and feels pretty close to the real thing!)

MN Chickadee

As a cat person I get how hard it is to part with a beloved animal, and on top of that the cat represents everything else your mom is losing, and you too. Re-homing it kind of marks the end of an era, where she had some independence and choice and the mental acuity to even remember she had a cat. This new unwelcomed chapter is here now and that's hard. Another phase of grief, of which there are so many along this journey. If she asks about the cat I would say, much like memory care, that it's temporary. Kitty is being cared for by a friend until she is well enough to go home to it or whatever. Rinse and repeat. If she is looking for it you might try leaving a robo-cat in her room for her to discover and see if she takes to it. My mother loved her Joy For All cat, and many others do at her facility.