How to deal with mean and hurtful behavior

jetoscan

Mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Issues with executive function. The bran atrophy is in the
part that controls emotions. On top of that she has been prescribed oxycodene for arthritis.

i am struggling with how to properly handle her when she has temper tantrums. Shes verbally abusive to my dad and I. He takes the brunt of it and it’s reallynaffecting him. He sleeps on the couch because she flails about and hits him majority of the time she call him mean names and put him down. Yet she relies on him with everyday tasks. Cooking and cleaning. i get treated the same. Shes mean and keeps going on and on about all the bad I do and how I support my dad

mynquestio. Is how do I handle her when she is saying mean and hurtful things. And won’t stop. She just keeps going and going. This is also,after she has a tantrum and doesnt get her way. ive been handling this by treating her like the toddle she acts like. Taking away whatever control she thinks she has. Like her ipad, taking extra oxy oils. Control over the tv.

SusanB-dil

Hi jetoscan - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Who has DPOA and HIPPA accesses for mom? Please do tell her doctor what is happening. There are meds for agitation and aggression that you are describing. Some meds are different for different types of dementia. If she is being violent, you may even need to call authorities. Do not put up with being hit. If that bad, they could take her for emergency evaluation, but try to make sure it is geri-psych. In any case, do consider getting a geri-psych evaluation. Do you have a Neurologist on your team?

None of this is good. Sorry you are going through it.

Editing to add: Do try to de-escalate. Telling her 'no' or 'discipline as a child' will not work. The reasoning behind that will not make sense to her. Her reasoning is broken. Have you tried redirecting instead?

M1

Welcome to the forum. I agree with the above on both counts-medication is likely warranted and will help, and you will almost certainly find that “consequences “ that you would use with a toddler will not be effective and may make things worse. Distraction and redirection to something pleasant (like food) may be partially effective, but will likely have to be used over and over.

read a lot of threads, there are many compassionate and thoughtful people here. You can learn a lot and find strategies that may help.

Anonymousjpl123

I totally understand and I’m so sorry you are going through this! As others have said, there is no way to reason with someone with dementia. Your mom, who sounds like she may have been difficult before dementia, will not “get better.” The medications will help.

Most important is changing your approach. Whoever she was before dementia - whatever her personality flaws, traits, your history, etc. - is slowly becoming less and less of who she is now. Her brain is changing and will not come back, in fact, she will only get more disoriented. I’m so sorry, because it is awful.

There is one piece of good news. You will find a whole new way of relating to her now. She is a new person. The goal, I’m learning, is “de-escalate” and “re-direct.”

Trust me, I know how hard this is when someone is saying abusive and belittling things. But it’s now truly nothing to do with you: you’ve gotta separate that. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. So you take space when you must, you get really good at boundaries (I’m doing it for the first time in my life!) and you become a stronger and more compassionate person if you can push through it.

this is a safe place to vent. Vent away.