wants to go home...again...

valerieorr

I know I've written about this before...but we are at our wits' end. Mom thinks we live in an identical house and spend time together in one another's houses, but needs to go home at least once or twice a week. we've tried diversion and making an excuse why we can't do it right then, but she doesn't let it go. she then gets mean about what she says to her son (my husband) and wants to leave the house. It's raining and dark...we were able to get a friend to come by and he took her to get some ice cream and will bring her back. Once she's back I am afraid she'll try to walk out again. she is not happy with us here and has said that to a number of people, including us, she wants to live alone. we wanted to keep in her home as long as possible, but could this mean it's time to look into memory care or a nursing home?

Emily 123

Yes- it will also be easier on your relationship. It may be all she can think about. If you can find a nice place near you it seems like that could be a good solution.

M1

If you're thinking it's time, then it's time, there's no right or wrong answer there otherwise. Placing your loved one is not a failure, though we all suffer mixed feelings about it. Many thrive. There is the old saying on these boards that you are doing this FOR your loved one, not TO them.....

Anonymousjpl123

I pray that you will get some relief. I also have to say that as someone who goes back and forth all the time about having my mom live with me, even though it's totally untenable, having her in MC has been the right thing. She is miserable and complains much of the time to me, although others there (staff) say she is fine. My take on this is that she has not been happy for a long time. She was happy in AL until she couldn't be there, but the truth is I'm not sure she would be happy anywhere right now. I am hoping this changes. I really am. But if it doesn't, I know that I cannot give her back the life, and mind, she had.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my mom's case, she was never a very content person. She always sort of wanted to be somewhere else. If your MIL is at all like this, or even just going through the normal agony/frustration of dementia, she's not likely to feel at home anywhere for a while. So I would focus on where she will be safest, get the best quality care, and you and your husband can see her regularly without putting undue pressure on yourselves.

valerieorr

thank you! we are looking into the options available for her. from what we've been able to gather, she doesn't have many resources for memory care and neither do we. we've also discovered that MC and nursing homes in our area are more expensive than most other places in our state. we are working with a lawyer to see what the best options are for her to be safe and hopefully happy. Nursing homes are not what we really want for her, but MC here is over $5000 a month.

Anonymousjpl123

Great to hear you are working with a lawyer. That will help a lot! In the meantime, please know that there are resources available. If you have to call 911 to make sure she is safe, never feel guilty about that. If you can, I highly recommend finding some family support groups so you can share with others going through this and get advice.

Finally, I would say that in my experience the key to a good placement is proximity and the level of care. Both home care and placement are outrageously expensive, but there are supports for getting both.

For example, I will not likely ever be able to afford the place my mom is in for MC, but I am actually checking out lower cost places for when one day I may need to go! Some are nice, albeit not as luxurious as hers. With caring staff and a clean safe environment.

Finally, where my mom is, if she had to, they have suites so she could have a private bedroom in a shared suite. If she ever can’t afford what she’s paying (which is exhorbitant), she can move to a suite. It would be a nightmare but better than moving to somewhere else. Truthfully, the nightmare is her declining cognition. Not the placement. Let us know what you find.