I goofed

Smilescountry

Hello! My parents are in assisted living due to dementia and/or Alzheimer's, and I am the main one responsible for them. I am thankful that I can do what I do, but I am 70 years old, and sometimes I become exhausted, which has happened this past month. It is also why they are in assisted living rather than in my home. I have a sister who went through a tragic loss of an adult child eleven months ago, and I have been on the receiving end of her anger several times this year because she lets me know any time that I don't say or write something just right. The worst was with the Christmas letter that I wrote for my parents. I was so focused on keeping it positive for them (both are dealing with depression in all of this) that I did not mention the loss of their granddaughter eleven months earlier. I did spend a great amount of time when the loss occurred notifying friends and family. I was also very tired when I wrote the letter. My sister was very hurt, and I can understand that. In fact, I gave her permission to be angry with me so that she would not take it out on my parents. The problem is that I was not prepared for the amount of anger that came my way. Physically and emotionally, I am having trouble taking care of my parents and also keeping in mind the needs of everyone else in my family. I have been told that I am doing a great job, but I am not sure that is enough if I have caused my sister so much pain. I would just like to know how others handle the complicated family situations that come up. When does a caregiver draw the line without seeming to be insensitive or uncaring toward someone suffering so much?

M1

ohh I know you are sorry this happened. Probably no way to fix it, your sister is likely too raw. Holidays have their downside, especially after such a loss. My response would be: no more Christmas letters. Let it go?

Hope5757

You didn’t do anything wrong. You misjudged a response that could have gone either way. I personally would not have wanted a personal tragedy to be broadcasted out in a Christmas letter.

You’ve apologized and allowed your grief stricken sister to vent her sorrow, anger, and bitterness to you. That is a tremendous thing.

So, move along emotionally. You’re exhausted. Give yourself the same grace you are showing your sister.

When I was running distance races, I would tell myself “I can run 100 more paces” then when I got to the 101st pace, I’d tell myself 100 more.

Being a caregiver to my 91 yo MIL with middle dementia feels much like a marathon. I can’t think about the ending. I just have to do the best I can for today. Sometimes best isn’t even good. But, it’s the best I had at that time.

It’s easier said than done. But, we’re all here with you.

Smilescountry

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192181#Comment_192181

Thank you. That is very comforting.

Quilting brings calm

I’m 65, and we lost our younger son in April. Please just do your best to let this roll off your shoulders. I would not expect a cheerful Christmas letter written on behalf of elderly ill people to touch on the loss of a grandchild. Nor would I want someone bringing up MY loss in their letter. Your sister was welcome to write her own letter, and didn’t.

You are doing the best you can- that’s all you can do.

Anonymousjpl123

None of us handle every situation perfectly in the best of circumstances, and you are definitely not in the best of circumstances! I am so sorry your family is going through so much. Sometimes that’s just how it is: everyone is overburdened and over stressed, and things are just hard all around. That being said, I know that you will all come through this, as it sounds like you have made every effort to be thoughtful, sensitive, and caring. Go easy on yourself and your sister. You’re both in a ringer. I hope you can find some peace this holiday. You acknowledged how sorry you were for being insensitive - more than enough. Let it go. Nothing to feel guilty about.