Moving mom into a home

knktaylor

Any tips on how to move a parent into memory care? She’s been so combative and aggressive and delusions are so severe that she cannot stay home with my dad any longer but she’s begging us to not put her in a nursing home because she doesn’t believe anything is wrong with her. She’s only 70 and physically healthy.

M1

Hi and welcome. Do you or your dad have power of attorney for her? You are likely going to need it to move her against her will. If her behaviors are that out of control, she probably needs hospitalization on a geriatric psychiatry ward first to get her stabilized before any memory care unit will accept her. That's where i would start. The social workers at the hospital will be familiar with the available facilities in your area and can help you get her placed, but no one is likely to accept her without stabilization first. Take her to the emergency room, it's not pleasant or easy, but necessary.

knktaylor

With respect, we’ve already gone to the emergency room. Having a disoriented, combative and confused person wait for 6 hours is not good for anyone involved. She stayed inpatient 2 days. Now I’m asking for tips on moving into memory care, she’s already been accepted. But she’s unhappy and very very angry at us

SusanB-dil

For the most part, fiblets are your friend. You could tell her something is wrong with the house. For example, there is a broken water pipe and she needs to stay there while it is repaired. Repeat as necessary.

Emily 123

I wouldn't discuss it with her at this point (IF you're discussing it with her). Asking her to participate will agitate her too much and make it really difficult for everyone. Work around her.

The memory care can work with you to come up for a plan for drop off. Talk to the nursing director about how to handle it. If you have help, one person can take mom out while the move is effected, then they can make their way over to the facility. You might have to fib that you're going to check on a friend. A lot of times you can go in for drop off at mealtime or during activities. They can distract her while you slide out. Trust me, they want a smooth transition too. Then the staff can take her to her new room, where hopefully the presence of 'her' things will help her settle in--you can post a note to remind her that she's there because of house problems, etc.

• To make the physical move quicker: When you set up stuff for her room, use familiar things-pictures, furniture, bed/bath decor, favorite quilt, etc. See if the facility can provide you with the room measurements, then figure out what amount of room is left for furniture once you take the bed into account. That way you can set up the room pretty quickly. Most facilities will give you a 'necessities' list. My mom has a dresser, TV stand, comfy chair, lamps, a few side tables, trashcans. Don't take a ton of clothes or shoes. If you can store stuff just take correct clothes for the current season, and don't take 4 coats when one will do. Less 'stuff' = less choices for her to have to make, which is good. Have enough to get her through a week or so. Label everything (amazon sells washable labels from Avery or use a sharpie). Get a waterproof mattress cover, have 3 sets of sheets, buy some disposable or washable chucks if she's incontinent.

Anonymousjpl123

Hi and welcome. Good she’s been accepted in memory care. @Emily 123 gives some excellent advice. I would say the less discussion the better. You can think of a “fiblet” you can “sell” to her (meaning she may believe it), such as pipes being fixed, she has a medical issue they want to keep watch on, etc. I have found keeping things as simple as possible works best. I also tend to “go with” my moms delusions (which, sadly, are getting worse). So for example, when she tells me there’s another daughter (with my name), I go with it. Also when she says she would like to move back to (fill in the blank), I say “that’s sounds so nice. Let’s look into that in the spring when things settle down.” Like that. There’s not always an easy way to do this, but making it as comfortable for her as possible is key.

Klako

On the one year anniversary of moving my dad into AL please know fiblets are your friend. My dad was not combative about going but did not want to go. I told him it was the doctors decision and that I was responsible for him and by not following doctors orders, I could be in if trouble and possibly go to jail. He bought that and eventually got on board. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done as I am sure it is for everyone here. One year later he still wants to know when he will go home every now and again but getting over the hump is the hardest part. I am sorry you have to go through this but know you have support here.