When SO talks about visiting his long passed relatives

AnderK

Hi, over the holiday, I got several questions from my partner about visiting his parents or sister, or buying gifts for them...they have been long passed. At first I asked if he wanted to visited the cemetery (family plot) the next several I told him I believed they were long passed and moved on. All the "shouldn't" articles say you aren't supposed to do that. Suggestions? Thx, Kathy

darcytg

Hello Anderk,

I have found a magazine by john hopkins called, "the science of Alzheimer's " very useful. The article on embracing PWD's reality has been helpful. As well as, the rest of the publication.

Jeanne C.

I treat this like I do the repeated request of "I want to go home." I fib and redirect.

"We need to get a present for mom" - "We sent her a lovely Christmas ornament"

"Let's go see..." - "They invited us to come visit on Wednesday. How about we fold the towels from the dryer?"

It's hard at first, but it's kinder than reminding them that their parents have passed.

PookieBlue

AnderK,

My DH often asks where his dead mom went. The worst time was when he thought she lived with us and he was waiting for her to get back home. When it started getting dark he became frantic and angry at himself for letting his 91 year old mom go out drinking alone. I was going along with it at first, but then he was ready to call the police. I finally told him that his brother in law had texted me and she was with his sister. No, it made no sense at all since they live 2000 miles away, but DH calmed down. Many times I tell him we are both orphans and he thinks about that for awhile. I also say most 78 year old men don’t have their mom living with them. Many times he will ask me if his mom has passed and I tell him we lost our parents years ago. This delusion about his mom has happened very frequently during the past year. Sometimes when he starts in I remind him we are orphans, and he asks so we’re the last? During theses times I believe he thinks I am his older sister, but I am his younger wife. He then starts asking about our ages saying , ‘You’re older than me, right? I do correct him, but that doesn’t stick with him for more than a couple of minutes. I think we each have to find the fiblets that get us by in the short time. You will find what works for you. I’ve gotten somewhat immune to theses troubling conversations. I just try to deflect so there is less anxiety and sobbing on his part.

M1

I think this varies by person. My partner frequently thinks her mother and middle sister are still living, but doesn't get upset talking about them. She'll sometimes ask me whether they have died and doesn't cry when I remind her that they are in fact no longer here. I think you just kind of have to play this one by ear. None of what I say sticks, so it gets repeated almost every visit...as do questions about how we met, how long we've been together (30 years), whether I was married before and have children (she's known them since they were 2 and 4).

charley0419

I’m learning everyone’s experiences are different

DCCEPEK

So so different. My MIL is blind and deaf. She doesn't know she's in the world. No way of communicating. We just love as much as she'll allow it. Sad but true, she's 82