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I’ve had doubts myself, especially the days when everything seems so normal. If I remember correctly, your DH does have a diagnosis, correct? My mother-in-law used to get very aggressive and violent and then could also appear to be fine. My DH will often tell me he feels like he’s losing it. But then another day will tell me he’s perfectly fine. I guess what I’m saying is, all of us I’m sure, go through periods of wondering if we are the ones losing it. Hang in there. His friend only saw him for a short period of time. They are good at covering up for short periods of time.
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Wose, why can't you call 911? Can you talk a little bit about why you say this? Very concerned about you. I suspect you are like the frog in the slowly heating pot and don't recognize the severity of your situation.
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Thanks, we saw the nurse practitioner in the neurologist office, who diagnosed him with severe cognitive impairment. We don’t see the Dr. until Feb 9. He has always been apathetic, uncaring and unemotional.
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It feels like the point of no return if I do that. I am not convinced myself it’s dementia. And tonight he’s saying that I need to prove to him that I trust him. Don’t know why I’m not convinced but I still will not trust him with car keys. Actually I’m questioning now my whole life with him. We’ve been married 14 years and it took a lot of time for me to trust someone after my first husband died of leukemia at 48. I waited 10 years to get back to living. Now I’m thinking maybe I really didn’t know him to begin with. I’m just rambling. Your first thought tho about Anosognosia could be spot on. Thanks for being here.
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Worse, When did he become more important than you? There was a video on this sometime back and it turned my life around. You need help NOW not on Feb 9. You are important too ……CALL 911 now.
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You are not overreacting. I was in denial after my DH's diagnosis. The Neuro Psyche doctor said under no circumstances should he drive. Many with dementia have visuospatial difficulties judging speed, distance & time. He could run over someone or run into the back of someone. I still denied. Until she said this to me. Once the diagnosis is in his medical records and if he's in an accident, even if it's NOT his fault, we could be sued and lose everything. That smacked me upside the face and made me accept the diagnosis. Others are correct, they mask it. Our friends even recently said he "seemed OK" -- he's now in Memory Care and doesn't even know my name anymore. You are smart. Take charge, learn all you can and take control. He can't help the way he's acting. You can' reason with someone whose "reasoner" is broken. If you feel threatened, call 911 and have them admit him in the Geri Psyche ward and a Psychiatrist will give him meds and get them adjusted which will stop his agitation. Tell them that you are afraid and he was diagnosed with cognitive impairment. You don't have to wait until the next doctor appt if you are living in fear.
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Thank you for that. Under no circumstances, will he get the keys to our cars.
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Wose, You need to trust yourself! Taking away his car keys can/will/may save lives! My DH threw a tantrum, too, when I didn't let him drive. But it was simply non-negotiable. Eventually he accepted it though he felt like his liberty was being taken away from him. I get it. But I couldn't appease him by risking others' safety.
RE calling 911, and your sense of "It feels like the point of no return if I do that" is so not how it would play out. You may be saving your own life, and his. I had to call 911 3x within 2 weeks. Each time landed DH in the ER and was released once he calmed down. A couple times, DH was handcuffed, but the officers pulled his jacket over his cuffed hands to divert prying eyes from neighbors. Officers also gave him the choice of riding in their patrol car or via ambulance. Both times, he chose ambulance.
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Wose,
If I felt I needed to lock myself in a room and my DH was kicking at the door, I would call 911 without any hesitation. You are not the one with impairment. It sounds like you are afraid of him and that should not be. If you take a stand and call 911, he will start to retreat from his demands knowing you will not stand for it.
Please don't hesitate to call and protect yourself - you are important. You are not misinterpreting the situation.
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You said - And tonight he’s saying that I need to prove to him that I trust him.
It’s not a matter of trusting him. He has dementia. He may not remember that he can’t drive. If he has access to the car keys he may drive the car because he doesn’t remember that he’s not allowed to drive.
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Wose,
The person with dementia is often afraid, angry, and confused knowing something is wrong, but can’t understand nor recognize the problem. There is no learning or reasoning that can help him. He desperately needs you to trust him, because he can no longer trust himself. He has lost equal footing with you and you are not crazy. This change in his health has turned your relationship inside out and it can cause him to become violent and you to feel just as unstable. A care taker is not the same thing as a wife. You’re much more than just his wife now. Find support for you. You can’t help him without being strong yourself. It’s good you’re here, but you need community support as well. If he threatens you call 911 and let them take him to the Emergency Room. Once there, ask for a psychiatric hold which would require a psychiatrist specializing in brain disorders time to evaluate his needs and medically address his threatening behavior. You can refuse to take him home if he has hurt or threatened you. Be safe.
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And: the fact of the matter is that you cannot trust him. You don't dare trust him, he is impaired and doesn't know it. That's pure BS and anosognosia talking. Safety first-yours and his. He is no longer an equal partner wose.
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Excellent advice. Once he has been evaluated there are medications that can often calm these types of behaviors. It’s a matter of finding the right one or right combination. They can’t improve his memory or the Alz, but they can certainly make life safer for you.
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My wife great a covering up
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If you don't get help, please disable the car or exchange the keys for ones that won't start the car.
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What tests have they done on him to diagnose him?
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Wose,
Hoping your night was restful.
The point of no return has come and gone already.
Severe cognitive impairment.
It is okay to call 911 when you are afraid.
Lots of excellent advice and information pouring out to you. I, too, have been in the loop of "is this real" with my LO having many solidly present days.
It is real. I read and reread Tam Cummings stages of dementia behaviors and read and reread this site. People here are living this experience and disease.
Remember, too, alzheimers association has a 24/7 number with live trained people to walk with us. 800.272.3900
Peace and ease.
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Wose, many people here have suggested to video a partners behavior and outbursts on your phone. If you are in a room and he is on the other side of the door…video that, ..if he is arguing, screaming, video that. So long as your camera is set to video, the phone can pick up sound even if it is in your pocket. This will give you solid proof of his behavior and will help you feel more confident in discussing what is going on.
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Wose you have been given sound and solid advice. So many of us have been through what you are experiencing. I never thought I could handle so much drama in my life. But I had to, thank you God! I still remember the first time I had to be the ADULT and take charge. I was shocked, shaking and yes I could feel my eyes burning, but I didn’t back down! You can do this, so many have that could never have dreamed they could. Remember he is not the one in charge anymore more. You are in control, just put on your big girl pants and stand up for yourself and for him! Best wishes to you!
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Two questions;
What was the basis for the diagnosis and
Have you called his Dr
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Wose, he may not hurt you this time but he might and he definitely will as the disease progresses. He won't know he is hurting you until you fall limp on the floor and even then he won't understand what is going on. He needs to go to ER and geri psych. Even then perhaps you should not let him return home. Very difficult for you to do and we all understand that. My DW sometimes should do the same but she can't really hurt me so I shrug it off for now. It's crazy confusing and second guessing yourself is normal.
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What about getting/making imposter keys for the key hook? Someone gave an idea of notching the actual keys so they couldn’t work. Lots of us have had to resort to fiblets to keep the peace.
Im so sorry for your situation!
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Wose: For God's sake, call 911 the next time he starts acting out. Don't let him or his friend keep gaslighting you. Listen to what everyone here is telling you. It may be the difference between life and death.
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@wose - thinking about you. I did not have the violent attacks directed at me, but there were still some very scary moments in our earlier stages. My DH has anosognosia and absolutely could not comprehend that anything was wrong with him.
Nothing I or the Dr. were saying early on made any sense to him. I learned really fast that he would have to be kept in the dark on anything I might do to keep him and us (and others) safe. On this forum's advice, I tried blaming things on his Dr. His one comment was he guessed he'd have to get a new doctor. I learned quickly that giving up driving and the car is not something I could discuss with him. SO many things had to be "don't ask, don't tell" at our place or I might have been exactly in your shoes. Fiblets, outright lying? yep. Best approach to keep us safe, cause him the least anxiety and instability, and not provoke a damaged brain.
PLEASE, I am worried about your comment that at this point, you don't care if he takes you out. Believe me, we understand the frustration and more, that can lead you to literally feel this way. But you deserve better and sadly, he has a dangerous and incurable disease that you cannot allow to ruin both your lives.
Get help at least for now, from someone who is not his friend, not blinded by things that they don't have to live with day in and day out.
Let us hear from you when you can. We care.
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@wose You’ve been on my mind and in my prayers. Hoping things are calmer and that you will continue to come here for your own sake. We care and are here for you.
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Hoping everything is ok
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You should trust your own judgment. Your husband doesn’t have the judgment or reasoning skills to make these decisions. You do have those. My husband and I just had conversation little bit ago. That when the doctor says that he shouldn’t drive anymore. He will have no say in it at all. That it is my job to make those decisions for him. When he no longer can. He wasn’t happy I want him safe. Everyone else on the road safe. You need too be safe too.
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I am concerned about your safety. No way you should just trust him. He will take that car for sure.
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You guys are giving me a lot of insight into. How my husband will react when he is told by the doctor. That he can’t drive anymore . It was obvious to me that I will have my hands full. Right now I can’t drive and possibly we could keep the car and the keys. At our son’s house for now. So I won’t have that problem. Just trying to make good decisions. When he isn’t capable of them.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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