Grief

bsjames

I have been caring for my DH w vascular dementia for 8 years. He had an especially bad delusional, paranoid & aggressive episode and I had to call 911. He was placed in the geriatric unit of the hospital and today I was told the psychiatrist recommends memory care. How do you overcome the grief hearing he’s not coming home? I really thought I could love him through it all.

Quilting brings calm

You can continue to love him even though you won’t be his 24:7 caregiver. You can continue to advocate on his behalf. You will be plenty involved - whike being able to sleep at night and get your daily chores and errands done.

M1

Welcome to the forum. I have been where you are, our hospitalization and transfer to memory care was 20 months ago. It has been a very rough stretch. As she has progressed however, my dear partner has become less angry at me and sweeter overall, tells me (with tears) every time she sees me how much she loves me. But the pain is ongoing. I cry frequently, and i pray that she dies in her sleep to be free of these ravages. The house is very empty.

This forum can help you cope.

Joe C.

Bsjames, Welcome but sorry you need to seek out our community. Please don’t think of placement as a failure or letting your spouse down. I placed my wife 2 years ago after being a full time 24/7 caregiver for over 4 years. I know that I was a very good & dedicated caregiver when she was home but I also know she is receiving better care and is much happier in memory care. I was told by others that once I placed her I could stop being her caregiver and go back to being her husband, I didn’t understand this but it is actually true.

harshedbuzz

@bsjames

You are loving him through it, a beautiful way to express caregiving, with your decision to get him the care he needs in the moment. Putting his needs first is love.

My dad was a person who could not be cared for well at home. Despite my mom's devotion to the man, even in his diminished state he would not allow her to keep him clean, medicated, fed or sober. The agitation and aggression he felt around this was real and a risk to both of them.

We opted for a MCF expecting months of fireworks before we might be able to have a pleasant visit. Driving him there under the guise of seeing a new doctor is the single hardest thing I ever did. He settled in quickly and it turned out he saw the staff as the competent professionals they are and cooperated with his care which meant he got care that was superior to that he got at home.

The piece I didn't expect was that handing most of his care off to professionals meant mom could go back to being the devoted wife who could just love on him when she visited. She'd bring him a portion of his favorite meals from home or some fast food which he enjoyed and have lunch with him. Sometimes they take a nap together after lunch.

HB

fmb

@bsjames

I echo the sentiments above. The most loving act I have done for my DH (Stage 6 w/co-morbidities) was to place him in an AL residence where he is now receiving much better care than I am capable of providing. While, as a life-long control freak, I struggle with giving up control over his care, I do realize that he is in the best possible situation he can be in. Grief is normal and to be expected. You are giving up your plans, hopes and dreams that your lives would be a certain way. You are watching in painfully vivid slow motion the loss of the characteristics that make up the person you love very much. This forum is a safe and supportive place to work through your feelings. Our paths may be different, but we are all on this journey together.