How many of you are still recognized by your LO?

Anonymousjpl123

My mom has NPH and dementia (not sure what type). She now no longer reliably recognizes me or, most commonly, she thinks there is more than 1 of me. Like the me she talks to on the phone is different from the me in person. One is her daughter and one someone else. The day after I brought her back to MC she told them I was not her daughter, but someone else. Now today she called I told her I was coming tomorrow to pick up her new hearing aid, and she said “oh someone else said she was going ti bring me.” Also, yesterday she told me she had a big fight with my dad (who is dead).

The MC staff said I need to prepare for this and get used to her increasing confusion about who I am. It’s very hard relating to her this way. Any advice appreciated.

harshedbuzz

@Anonymousjpl123

I didn't have this with my dad. He knew me, my mom, some of his grandkids but referred to my husband of 35 years as "the guy HB is shacking up with". He knew my son if he was there but once thought his Japanese-American urologist was my son. FTR, my son looks like Ed Sheeran. And he was completely confused about my late sister; she might be alive now and dead in 5 minutes. Standard advice is to not remind a PWD that a LO has passed but it was hard when dad was confused and would say "she's dead, isn't she?".

My aunt didn't recognize my mom and thought I was her or my mom's next older sister. I do look very like a younger version of my mother and aunt but still.

My friend's mom didn't recognize her consistently in the last year which broke her heart. They'd been very close. Mom thought she was one of her favorite aides and would tell my friend all about how wonderful her daughter Donna is which was bittersweet.

It's hard to prepare for this phase.

HB

Quilting brings calm

My mom and step-dad still recognize me and people they see often. However mom didn’t recognize her SIL a couple years ago after a few years apart. She’d been her sister in law over 50 years by then. My parents are still in stage 4. We’ve stalled there for a few years now.

easy23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67592/how-many-of-you-are-still-recognized-by-your-lo

My husband only recognizes me once in awhile. He thinks I am his deceased mother, deceased aunt, former co-workers, ex-girlfriends and others. The only time he talks to me, his wife, is when he calls me on the phone.

I don't correct him and just go with the flow. It's painful when he thinks I'm an ex, but then again many of his memories are of his high school years. Try not to get upset - it's not personal.

Anonymousjpl123

Thank you all as always. Yes it is a freakishly hard thing to watch someone decline and -selfish and irrational as this sounds - hard to not feel hurt.

@harshedbuzz so though your dad recognized you, he didn’t know his grandson. Your aunt didn’t know her sister. I guess I take it so personally (without meaning to!) that she truly thinks there are two of me and often I’m the one who is not her daughter. I pray I’m not hearing where Donna was but it may be. When my mom talked of my dad being there I just kind of let it go. Couldn’t deal. Funny, she told my niece the same story and my niece said “grandma, grandpa passed away” and she just said “yes I know that, but he was here anyway.”

@Quilting brings calm geez what a nightmare. I gives everyone progresses at a different rate. Plus I didn’t see my mom a lot before my dad passed, so it may be she was further along than I knew. I’m glad your parents have hit a plateau of sorts for now.

@easy23 oh my god that’s it - that’s what is freaking me out - the phone thing. Since the holiday, the only time I think my mom really thinks she’s talking to me is on the phone. Like she called me on the phone while I was standing there this weekend. You are right - it’s so important not to take it personally. I cannot even imagine if it was a partner and not my mom. Your husband is so lucky that you have the insight not to take it personally. I guess going with the flow will happen. I’ve gotten used to each phase so I’ll get used to this.

I cannot tell you all how much it helps to talk to people going through this: thank you.

Rae4

My mom will find my phone number, dial it, and then when I answer she identifies herself and asks if I know how to get ahold of her daughter 😜. Face to face she knows me but if she is telling someone about something I said to her she refers to me as her mom. Anytime a decision I’ve made that she doesn’t like she blames her mom ( which I just go with). I know longer take it personally. I did hurt my feelings the first few times it happened though.

BassetHoundAnn

For about three years my mom kept thinking I was her younger sister. She kept calling me her sister's name and whenever she was reminiscing about growing up she'd say "Well you were there!" It started when she was in Stage 5.

She hasn't called me by her younger sister's name in about a year because she's probably forgotten it. She's in Stage 7 and is back to calling me by my name, but I think sometimes she fakes it and doesn't recognize me initially.

She blames her circumstances and everything she doesn't like on her older brother who's been dead for 20 years. She thinks she's living in his house.

harshedbuzz

@Anonymousjpl123 said:

so though your dad recognized you, he didn’t know his grandson. Your aunt didn’t know her sister. I guess I take it so personally (without meaning to!) that she truly thinks there are two of me and often I’m the one who is not her daughter. I pray I’m not hearing where Donna was but it may be. When my mom talked of my dad being there I just kind of let it go. Couldn’t deal. Funny, she told my niece the same story and my niece said “grandma, grandpa passed away” and she just said “yes I know that, but he was here anyway.”

What you are hearing from mom is the consequence of a diseased brain. It's not fair to take it personally if part damaged affects name/relationship recall as it is utterly random. It's hard

My dad could recognize DS in person with me, but not in a photograph alone. And FTR, dad and I never had a warm and fuzzy relationship; we were more or less adversaries most of my life so it wasn't as if he recalled me because I was so dear to him. This is what made Donna's situation so sad-- they were devoted to one another. Donna was the one who told me "The lady I take care of is lovely but she'd not really my mom."

The other possibilities to your mom seeing her late husband are hallucinations or the common experience of a person nearer to end of life seeing people and pets who have passed "coming for them". When dad was in late stage 6, he often saw old friends including many who had passed. I recall visiting him in MC and being told rather sharply not to sit on the chair as his late attorney/golf buddy was already sitting there.

Dad had always been iffy about whether my sister was still alive or not. She'd died 25 years prior after an extended illness. I had lunch with him about 9 hours before he died from complications of aspiration pneumonia. The SLP was there doing a swallow evaluation and she used the shake and chicken strips I brought to check textures. He was flirting shamelessly with her and then told us about my sister being really busy as a single mom with 2 little kids and a recent promotion at work coming to visit him. He went on to say that she was sorry she didn't come more often and promised to do better. He was tired after lunch, so we left him to nap and went into the hall to talk about her findings. She remarked at how amazing dad's speech and vocabulary were given how poorly his swallowing functioned. She commented on my sister's visit and how happy he was to see her. When I told the SLP my sister had been dead over 25 years, she was shocked and simply said "that's not good". It alarmed me enough, I talked to my mom and uncle urging them to visit asap and I put my phone on the nightstand "just in case". The call came around 10pm.

HB

SusanB-dil

Same here as BassetHoundAnn. With the family resemblance, mom thinks I'm her younger sister. She's nicer to me this way, which probably shouldn't amuse me, but it does. Although the first time it happened and she called me by her sister's name, it really threw me for a loop.

MIL isn't quite sure who I am most of the time, but sees me often enough to realize I belong in the picture somehow. She yelled at me one night, probably the first time we realized she didn't know who I was... I had just reminded her to take her meds and she got very upset. Yelled at me "You can't tell me that! You're not her!' "You're not! You're not HER and you're not his (as she pointed to my DH)!" We finally realized she was trying to refer to my DH late wife, who died Jan 2000. That was upsetting to both of us.

Anonymousjpl123

@Rae4 very similar to what my mom does. Now, I notice she goes in and out of this - like there are times she knows it’s me - but it’s on and off. It’s very hard not to take it personally and recognize it’s actually nothing to do with me.

@harshedbuzz its interesting your father wanted to focus on your sister, who you’ve said he most identified with. My mom identified most with me in the family, but that was nothing good. In fact, no one in my family has ever wanted to feel identified with her. I guess that’s the irony for those of us caring for parents we had deeply contentious relationships with: it is possible to feel guilt, fear, worry, and sadness about someone who you didn’t have a positive relationship with. I hope my mom isn’t heading in the direction of my dad. But it has definitely been hard. My mom is struggling mightily and back to hating everything. Like your dad, she’s in and out of remembering and being with people and places she knew - but physically she’s actually not far along at all. Nowhere near that. I sometimes wonder if it’s mental illness combined with everything else. Siblings (who see her never) tell me to let it go - we’ll never know 100% what drives what in her health and behavior.

@BassetHoundAnn with your mom, thank makes sense. The resemblance is what I think drives so much of everything. I don’t exactly look like my mom; but I have so many of her mannerisms (god help me). Which is what I think she recognizes. And then doesn’t. With your MIL - what a freaking nightmare. I know that must have been hard on you guys.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this. Like I get really deep into self pity that my middle age years are seemingly spent on nothing but caring for my LO. Knowing we are all in this soup makes me feel so much less aloneZ

H1235

My husband would walk into his mother’s room an say “it’s you favorite son mike here for a visit “ this told her who he was right from the beginning and it put a little humor in the conversation. It worked well.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

I'm not sure for how long my mom could remember me, though she definitely did not when sundowning. My siblings and I would always announce/introduce ourselves like Chug's husband. That helped mom remember our names long after she forgot our dad's. One point she didn't recognize my younger sister and said "I don't know who you are, but I know you're family and I'm happy to see you!"

Up until I suppose November she acted like she knew to some degree what our relationship was. She recognizes our dad as someone of comfort and great affection even now when she's on her last legs.

December she recognized her mom at the family Christmas party, even though Grandma is like 93 years old.