Advice or suggestions.

csliter86

I'm taking care of my 90 year old Grandma. I have 2 kids aged 14 and 8. My grandma has dementia but for the most part very much in her right mind and self sufficient. Some days tho she thinks my 8 yr old wants her things or goes into her room and I know he doesn't as I have a camera in there but she doesn't get it and it bothers me that she accuses him when he doesn't. It already effects them with the lifestyle change of bringing her into our home. Both of them are so sweet and helpful to her and neither go into her room unless told to, and she only accusing my youngest. Is there anything I can do ?

M1

Welcome to the forum. Is there a reason this caregiving falls to you and not to someone else in the family? Because honestly and with all kindness, I think your children's needs should come first, and your younger child should not be traumatized by this. If it doesn't work out it should not be at your children's expense. There is likely no rationale why she is picking on him and no way you can reason with her about it. Medication might help, but she also may need other living arrangements.

michellc

My mother is now accusing phantom people of stealing her stuff & then making it reappear. I know it's her, but she can't accept or process that. I'm afraid the accusations w/your grandma may increase. My mom has fired 3 cleaning ladies in a row over this issue. Now that they're all gone, she's resorted to accusing phantom people. She believes it's paranormal activity. Your child doesn't deserve that. You may want to explore other placement for your grandma. I don't believe these accusations subside as they have no recollection of what they've done with a particular item. Unfortunately, I've seen this get worse & worse with my own mom. My best wishes to you. It's very hard to watch.

harshedbuzz

Your children only get one childhood and it's your responsibility to put them first.

FWIW, it is not uncommon for PWD to have issues with children. Often this is because they glom onto their primary caregiver as their own exclusive property and are loathe to share that person with anyone including a cute kid with whom they compete for time and attention. There was one member here who provided childcare for her preschool granddaughter and mom. Often the grandmother planned their days around places where a child would have fun-- the library story hour, playground, lunch at a fast-food place. Mom resented the child and was unkind at times to the point she once sprayed the little girl with what she thought was a can of Raid.

In your shoes, I would cede the responsibility for caregiving to her adult child-- perhaps your parent or an aunt/uncle if one survives her. Otherwise, I would take steps to place her in a care facility of some kind. This might mean selling her home or taking steps to qualify her for Medicaid.

One caveat. If you have been providing care for her in her home for 2 years or more that have kept her out of a facility, there may be a loophole for which you may qualify that would allow you to keep her home. You would want to consult a CELA or other attorney familiar with Medicaid in your state.

HB