Cocked the hammer on placement. . .

ghphotog

but haven't pulled the trigger yet. I am putting a 2800.00 deposit to hold a small private room for my DW but I have 30 days to change my mind and get a complet refund of the deposit.

Move in date is Feb 1, 5800.00 per for higest level of care. Seems like good place with staff that know what they are doing. There goes our retirement savings.

Had a sore throat and cough last night but seem to feel better this morning but as diligent as I am keeping my hands clean and sanitized, last night was a reminder and shot across the bow that if I get a very ugly flu or something else I cannot take care of my wife, clean and change her every morning, sometimes huge messes and her in hysterics. I cannot imagine at all trying to manage that, shop for groceries, even online could be very difficult if sick and everything else I have to take care of if I'm down and out.

I might just have to risk it and as good as it might seem with her in MC so I can go fishing, golf, stay out late, drink a quiet cup of coffee in the mornings without the stress of knowing what's coming when she gets up I still not sure if I'm going to pull the trigger on MC. Not sure I can go through with it but we'll see come Feb 1.

Jgirl57

I am guessing that taking it in small steps helps towards success . From reading your other posts you do need a break for yourself . After you put the deposit down , give yourself a pat on the back. One more step to preserving your own health . Thank you for sharing with us.

Quilting brings calm

Go ahead with it. Take it as one month at a time. You don’t have to feel like it’s permanent. However, you do need to write down your reasons fot putting down the deposit. Because you need to revisit those reasons whenever you feel like you want to bring her home.

Ed1937

I know how hard this is to do. But I also know from your posts that it is something that needs to be done, for the benefit of both of you. You have had your hands full for quite some time, and you are only human. What good are retirement savings if you will not be around to enjoy them? Is this the same place your mom is in?

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/193802#Comment_193802

Ed, different place, more expensive but the keep the residents occupied with activities similar to her daycare. She likes to stay busy.

My mom's place is good but not much in the way of mental stimulation.

LaneyG

Congratulations on taking that first step! About retirement savings…we had so many dreams of travel, leisure activities, etc. etc. I feel like those dreams are gone. If the savings go toward the future care for DH because I can no longer do, so be it. For me, I no longer take for granted the simple things like time to myself, lunch with a friend, taking a walk, being able to actually watch a movie or read a book. The list goes on and on. Whatever decision you make consider what is best for both of you.

Midwest Gal

All I can add is don't feel like placing your DW makes you an uncaring or a weak person. Of all the hurdles that my DH put me through for close to 10 years, I have no regret for placing him in Memory Care almost 8 months ago. You have to remember that this is a progressive illness and things can only get worse. It's not like rehab where you pitch in and everyone gets better. I truly meant to keep my DH/best friend home with me forever as I was brought up strong on the farm with close family ties, but with this illness you don't know what each new day brings, lots of twists and turns and you have to base decisions on what is going on at each stage. It's amazing how hard it is on the care takers health too before you even know it you have hit a brick wall and you don't even realize how emotionally exhausted you are. I used to think; what can a few staff do that I can't do 1-1.....But honestly, they can and they go home at after their shifts. There have been days at the Memory home that I am so thankful that I can just walk out that door. Other days I just sit and hold his hand. There is a chance that you may feel extreme sadness after she is placed, but it's mostly because you can finally be in touch with your own emotions. It takes a bit to re-group and find your energy again.... not sure I have. And yes, the cost is crazy. The price you noted is less than in my area. Memory care runs from around $6,000 to $10,000 a month here. I did find that the ones that cost more were not necessarily better, just more corporate operated. The one I chose was smaller family owned due to a need for their own family member and more personal. But as I have noted before, no tropical vacations in my future with this expense. But that is ok, just glad that I have the option for my DH. Good Luck...hang in there.

Joe C.

This is never an easy decision but in my cases DW is a lot happier in MC than she was at home. I wish you the best as you prepare for this transition.

Rocky2

I echo the sage advise of those above. MC placement of my DW was an emotionally gut wrenching decision for me. Even so, I knew it was the right step for both of us. DW has been in MC for about 6 months now. It is financially costly but the money was always intended to provide for our needs in retirement. I just never envisioned this specific path. I have no doubt that quality of life for both DW and I has been better with her being in MC. Both of us have undergone cancer treatments over the past 6 months and I could not have navigated that as the sole caregiver with her at home. I still struggle with my emotions from time to time. But, as I review the reasons for placement, and look at the opportunity I now have to be her husband and advocate vice full time caregiver, I know the right decision was made. I wish you peace as you move forward with this next step.

Tom

JeriLynn66

@ghphotog Thinking of you today and wishing all the best for you and your DW💖

annewilder

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67696/cocked-the-hammer-on-placement

I did it in October for my DH. I move him tomorrow from memory Care to skilled nursing mostly because of his ambulation issues, not the dementia. It is the toughest thing in the world.....I weep and I'm not a weeper. I am heartsick. He wants to be at home and it is impossible unless I build a wing or remodel parts of the house. Then need not one but 2 aides. You will make your own decision. It sounds from your description that you have been at this for a long time. It is an amazing feeling when you no longer have to do all the personal care. As I've heard million times, "if you go down , she goes down". You are investing in your health for both of you. But you will make your own decision.. Anne

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/196768#Comment_196768

Thanks Anne for sharing. It's hard.

Whyzit

Ghphotog I have been wondering about you and hope you’re doing okay. Did you go through with the move yet? (((Hugs and prayers)))

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197055#Comment_197055

Not yet but in the next week or two. Have to wait for the money to come through from our retirement account and the PCP's health eval form to be completed so I can officially have everything setup.