Terrible night

Hope5757

We had a terrible night and I lost my patience completely.

I’ve posted before about MIL’s dementia. She came to live with my spouse and I about 18 months ago. Prior to that she had been staying with her daughter and family. Everyone knew something was going on but it wasn’t until MIL came to stay here that we had an official diagnosis. By then, she was already in the middle stages. It’s been a year since the first diagnosis and she’s steadily progressed.

I’ve been the primary caregiver due to spouse’s health issues. And it’s been pretty stressful. She’s not the easiest of people when healthy. Add dementia and depression to that and the last 18 months have been a roller coaster of emotional outbursts, anger and irritation.

Last night, spouse was dealing with his own issues and MIL kept pushing. Things exploded between them and MIL left the room very upset. Later that night, I went into her room to dispense her evening medication and of course she wanted to talk. She didn’t make sense, wandered all over the place, forgot assertions she made 5 minutes previously and basically did all the typical dementia things. The room was also so hot, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. After the 10th time she said she was leaving, I lost my temper and said “where are you going?!” She said she wasn’t going back to her daughter (not possible) but was going back to her home town. She was going to hire some unnamed person to stay with her. This unnamed person used to care for a dear friend who she was also unable to name.

I really lost my temper at this point. I told her she couldn’t. Didn’t she know she had memory problems? How was she going to hire someone? She didn’t even remember the person’s name! Where would you stay? When she said she’d get an apartment, I told her “you can’t sign contracts.” It wasn’t a good response but in my stress, I thought it was better than “YOU HAVE DEMENTIA!” You can’t cook, clean, dispense medication or care for yourself in any way.

Now, it’s the following morning. I’m sure she’ll remember some things, not remember others and remember some things incorrectly.

Spouse is sullen and in denial of his part in this debacle. I’m angry at myself. I’m upset that I’m stuck in this situation. I’d like to tell everyone that I’m through. I won’t because there are no options at this point. She’s well past the point of assisted living but not yet at memory care.

darcytg

Hey hope,

Forgive yourself. This is all so hard and desperatly sad. So many lives connected and any so many things to learn.

Hopefully, you'll get a chance to connect with the emotions behind your MILs need to move. Listening has worked for me even when we can't make it better. Sometimes I just sit and cry with my LO. Then she ia usually the one to turn things to a more optimistic face.

Kindness to yourself, ease.

M1

So sorry you are having a tough time. she won't remember what you said, so forgive yourself--but it does no good to argue or point out falllacies in her arguments. Try neutral responses. She can't follow through on it anyway, so why argue? My partner tells me all the time that she's going to move back to her home town in Texas. I just nod and say okay.

How do you know she's not at memory care stage? What makes you say that? She might do very well there....perhaps better than with family caregivers.

Hope5757

Thank you Darcy and M1.

I found her already awake this morning and listened to her for an hour. She didn’t mention my comments but spoke the entire time about grievances from 30 years ago. Indirect response to the previous day’s conflicts.

M1 - I don’t think she’ll cooperate in the least with memory care. She won’t even go to a senior center because “it’s where all the gray hairs” are. When we tried to talk to her about a continuing care facility years ago, she was emphatic that’s “where people go to die.”

We’d have to fight like crazy to place her and I’m positive my spouse isn’t at the point where he can force her. And he’s her MPOA.

And frankly, because her physical appearance has always been incredibly important to her, she still curls her hair, puts on makeup and wears nice clothes. I take her each month to get her hair and nails done. I think she would be horrified being in a facility with people who are fully stage 6/7.

mommyandme (m&m)

I lost my patience enough. I always felt terrible. I was able to forgive myself some when I apologized to my mom, even if she didn’t remember why. I’d say something like, “I’m sorry mom, I get stressed sometimes, huh? please forgive me.” Then I could move on and meet her again where she was.

Sorry for the frustrations that are part of this caregiving journey. Thanks for sharing.

NUMber2

Hi Hope... are you sure you're not talking about my mom? 🤣

Seriously, I am so sorry that you're going through this!! It must be extremely hard because it's your MIL and not your own mom that you're caring for.

You deserve so much credit!!!

I think this disease should simply be called "Guilt Trip".

harshedbuzz

@Hope5757

I am truly sorry for the difficult spot in which you find yourself with a spouse whose only contribution is to undermine your efforts. In my family, it was my mom lashing out of dad until he became aggressive leaving me to drive over can calm things down. It's hard.

She sounds quite distressed. Does she take any medication for the anxiety that drives this behavior? If not, it might be useful for her. She's obviously feeling big emotions she is no longer able to process.

I'm of the opinion that she's ready for MC. She isn't going to like it, but it doesn't sound as though she likes being at your house either. My guess is that she'd adjust.

It's funny you mention her grooming. There was a lady at dad's MCF who was always impeccably turned out-- matching Alfred Dunner ensemble, appropriate costume jewelry to coordinate, hair and nails done beautifully along with a tasteful amount of makeup. She often doted on other residents when they were upset with hugs and hand pats. For at least a month I assumed she was staff-- perhaps an assistant director or something. Turns out, she thought she worked there, too. Compared to my dad who was channeling his inner Yeti or the retired teacher whose family dressed her like Holly Hobbie in jumpers, knee-highs and peter pan collars, this lady looked normal. Looks can be deceiving. One day she was seated at dad's table when I brought him lunch. He told me she was "coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs" and he wasn't wrong. Turns out her husband hired her a private aide to get her ready each day because she'd always taken pride in being fashionable.

HB

Hope5757

Thank you M&M, Numbr2 and Harshedbuzz,

I don't want to come across as dumping on my spouse. He has very real health issues that impact his physical and emotional resources. He loves his mother but there was very real toxicity in her relationship with her children and unfortunately, it’s never been resolved with any of them. Whether she’s truly narcissistic or merely self centered, all of her kids were treated as after thoughts. All of her energies were spent on herself, her spouse and her friends - in that order. Kids got what was left over.

Harshedbuzz, that is my MIL to a tee. She won’t brush her teeth but never forgets her skin care regimen. Even before the dementia, she was told so many times she needed hearing aids. She was even provided literature on the link between cognition and hearing loss. But she refused to try even the tiniest of aids because of vanity. Ridiculous!

I know no one in the family will support memory care. To make that happen, I’d literally have to be prepared to leave and I wouldn’t do that.

I can’t express how much better I feel after “talking” to all of you. It’s so odd that a random group of Internet strangers can understand and support each other. But, I think without being able to vent and read supporting comments, I’d still be verging on tears.

Thank you! I feel HOPE today.

DCCEPEK

Glad you found this forum. It's helped me and my husband tremendously. Keep reading and educate yourself all you can. My MIL is home with us. It's not an easy row to hoe. I found relief from my own anxiety just educating myself here

Hope5757

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194069#Comment_194069

Hi DCCEPEK,

I've read some of your posts and know you are in a difficult situation with your MIL. How long has she lived with you?

rhun1320

Don't be too hard on yourself. I cursed at my Dad who has ALZ the other night.