MY MOM HAS EXTREME PARANOIA TOWARDS ME

jamiegworth32

Hello-- 8months ago my Mom had an MRi done to her brain but there was no exact diagnosis based on the results of the MRI> We also saw a Neuro-Pysch-- and he only spent a few minutes with her and I had to be the one to tell the story about her accusing me of stealing her under garments, jewelries, clothing, remote control, her fruit knife and just about everything that she misplaces. My sisters all live in the East Coast and I am the only one caring for her (although she is renting a room close to me)- and I don't understand why she has to accuse me of everything when I am the only one who helps her. Her Neuro-Psych has prescribed her with medications to help with her memory as well as some pyschotic medications but she refused to take them. She refused to accept any dementia diagnosis as well. Over the months, she loses her things more and more and it has been becoming a nightmare with having to replace all these-- and take her abuse that I stole all these.

What is the best way to cope with a patient refusing treatment and what will be the next step when it becomes worse? Her insurance is Medi-Cal Medicare and we live in So Cal

SusanB-dil

Hi jamiegworth - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

It sounds like mom has anosognosia. It is not denial, but rather her reality that nothing is wrong... nothing at all. It is not unusual for PWD to believe a LO is stealing or hiding their things. She is living alone? Sorry, but she maybe should not. Please check that she is eating ok, no expired foods in the fridge or pantry shelves. Is she driving? She probably should not be at this point you are describing. Also check bills and finances that electric and such is being paid, but that she is not being scammed.

Who has POA and HIPPA accesses? This is important going forward. If you need to, you can check with a CLEC (elder care attorney) to see what you need to do to get a POA in place.

MIL has anosognosia. In her world, there is nothing wrong, so why take meds, why can't I be left alone, etc... She is a fall risk, a stroke risk, not take meds risk (which is keeping her at least somewhat stable - for now), expired foods and eating improperly, wander out risk... and a burn-down-the-house risk, and the list goes on. So. no. not leaving her alone.

Emily 123

Hi Jamie, sorry you're here, glad you made it.

The disease is blocking or changing how your mother takes in, processes, and retains information. One of the obvious signs is memory loss, but there are also other losses going on that have to do with empathy, reasoning, and using good judgement.

Your mother isn't able to recall what she's done during the day. What she can still access is older memories, especially if those memories are of tasks or routines she's had in place for a while. She relies on her routines to help make up for gaps in her memory, and she'll assume she's following them. She may not be aware she's got memory issues because the memory loss creates a time warp for her.

Can you win against that and make her see she's forgotten handling her remote, clothes, etc? Or that she needs to take meds for a doctor's visit that she probably doesn't remember, for memory loss she doesn't think she has? Unlikely.

Would it be easier to just agree with her or come up with a likely reason to do something, and work around the disease? Yes. The more you try to convince her she has a diagnosis, the more resistance you'll get, and the harder life will be. It's a lot easier to go along with what she thinks (even if it's off the wall), and apologize and agree with her, than to argue. It's also easier to come up with a plausible reason to get her to do something than try to tell her she has dementia/memory issues (''that's a free sample for your cholesterol-the doctor wanted to see if taking it for a few weeks would help''). This becomes more about managing a person who can no longer reliably make good decisions or take in information, than trying to make her understand she has dementia and expect her to chart a course for her future--that time is gone. She can't make good decisions or handle her own care because she can't retain information. It's not easy to flip the parent/child dynamic, and to keep your parent out of the loop, but it's what needs to happen so you can keep her safe. Moving a person with dementia into your own home without significant support for the primary caregiver isn't usually successful--it's a 24/7 job. So next step would be to talk with a certified elder law attorney about getting your mom's finances and legal status in order, and see what options are out there for at least assisted living or a group home so that some basics are taken off your plate--medication management, finding lost things, etc.

If mom has more kids on the east coast, especially close together, then it wouldn't be unreasonable to move mom to where there's the most family available to support her, and have one of those people designated as her POA. Just food for thought.

jamiegworth32

Thank you Emily for your feedback-- it is definitely hard adjusting to this and to go along- it's been almost a year and i am still all rounded up when we clash. I appreciate your advice and will talk to my siblings about it.

mommyandme (m&m)

Sounds like stage 5 which is a hard one. Wait… they’re all hard. The accusations can be maddening. How could she accuse me when I’m the one here, giving up a lot of my life to care for her? Seriously, I’m abusing the cats and not feeding them? I’ve taken your purse? Someone stole your flashlight? She’d constantly try to “tell” on me when my husband would come over. I hated it. Early on, I couldn’t figure it out how to not take it personally. She was my mom after all and I knew she could be judge-mental at times. I had to do a lot of mommy issues work on the fly and it sucked.

I found through this place not to take it personally. Agreeing and apologizing even when you’re not to blame goes a long way. “I’m sorry mom, I must have misplaced it. I’ll make sure to find that for you”. Validating her feelings, showing she’s been heard also can calm a patient. Lots of thank you’s and pleases may be helpful. I thought I’d go insane with all the syrupy sweet smiles and tones I had to turn on while caregiving. Like a CNA or RN might enter a patient’s hospital room seeming happy and helpful (hopefully), I too would try to enter the room my mom was in the same way. It was part of the job description I’d try my hardest to adhere too.

Unfortunately I held on to some of my mommy issues, I’m human. Yet, staying aware of what we were truly dealing with and using some helpful techniques was worth it and made our journey more peaceful at times.

I want to add that my mom was an RN and a true believer in meds and western medicine. She took a lot of meds. When she would balk at taking the meds, which went on for too long, there was a time that I could show her each one and tell her what it was for…” this helps your heart beat, this is so you don’t have a stroke, this helps your brain work etc…” and she’d take them. For a bit, I had to take pills at the same time so she’d take hers. I really needed her to take her drugs or so I thought. Finally they were crushed and put in yogurt. I know the “pill burden” struggles are real and I’m so very sorry.