Husband does not recognize me

REsq

My husband does not recognize me as his wife. This started gradually and he would recover from it, but this last time has been three days. He doesn’t know where she went and doesn’t know who I am. How do I communicate with him? Others tell him I am his wife but he says no.

LaneyG

I am so sorry! It must hurt. Not there yet myself and I dread the day.

Joe C.

Esquire, Unfortunately this is probably a new reality that you will have to learn to accept. I tried convincing my DW that I was her husband and this house was our home until I accepted that that approach was a fool’s errand. DW trusted me and knew that I would care for her but could not comprehend that we were married. She would ask me if I had a wife, where I lived and when serving her meals she sometimes would say, “if my husband was here he would love this meal”. It is a heart breaking part of this journey. I’m sorry.

REsq

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194216#Comment_194216

Yes, it really hurts. He recognizes others. At least he seems to. It is difficult to know how to respond. I have attended webinars and read all about communication with someone with dementia, and I know that you are supposed to go with their reality, but this is difficult. The family Dr. told my husband that I am his wife and sitting next to him when we saw the Dr. Friends call me by name. But he asks me if I know where she is. Do I know where she has gone. When is she coming back. I hope you never have to face this, but be prepared in case you do.

REsq

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194219#Comment_194219

I am trying this approach now. It is easier but sometimes he starts getting very concerned that someone is going to take his house and his money. He says it’s all his. He starts trying to find papers and checkbooks, keys to the cars, etc.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It is very helpfu.

M1

Welcome to the forum Esquire. This happened to us too. My partner is now in MC, but before that she twice told people on the phone that i had left her and she had someone else with her now (I was sitting right there). Both of these incidents resulted in some panicked phone calls later. Once when i was downstairs exercising she pulled out my wallet and scattered all the cards and my license, asking whose they were. Another time I left her for a medical appointment and 30 minutes after i had left home she called me, saying that she had found a suitcase with my name on it, didn't know why she had it, but would love to get together so that she could return it and we could catch up because she hadn't seen me in a long time.

Interestingly, now that she is in MC she has no trouble recognizing me, although she does not routinely know my name. For a while there was a whiteboard in her room with my name on it, usually saying something like "M will be here tomorrow." She would ask me who M was.

It's all very disconcerting. Esquire, is your DH on any medications for anxiety? These behaviors get very difficult to control when you are the sole caregiver.

LJCHR

We are not there yet either, but the thought of all of this is terrifying. So sorry that you are going through this. We all have to be so strong and resilient......

Ed1937

This is one of the hardest things about dementia. And unfortunately it is very common when progression rears it's ugly head. I'd just like to throw this out there. If they have a UTI, it's possible that is causing all the problems like this. When my wife was dealing with a UTI, it's the only time I thought she didn't know who I was. After 3 days in the hospital, she came home back to baseline. I'm sorry you are experiencing this now.

hiya

Esquire, I understand exactly where you are at!!! My husband sundowns. Initially, on an evening he started confusing me with his sister. He would talk about stories when ‘we’ were growing up. I would bring out wedding and family photos to try and show him I was his wife. I finally just started going with the flow. He now just thinks I’m a person who lives with him. He likes me and feels safe. I’ve wondered why it’s me he has forgotten? We have been married 30 years. It is heartbreaking and takes time to accept. Hang in there. He too questions our house thinking he just moved here from another house he rented . He asks if he got his mail forwarded, his bank changed and then it became constant questioning. What works for us is that I’ll tell him I’ll call the bank tomorrow. I believe he is crossing into stage 5. I’m so thankful to this site, it’s support and the education it provides.

annahowie

I totally feel you and I think that this is the hardest thing for us to deal with as caregivers. In my head I would want to shout at him "how could you not know me, we have been married 34 years?" but it was his reality at the time. As much as it hurts I have had to learn to just go with it. When this started and he know what was kinda going on we put together a small photo album - he wrote in it and sometimes having him go through that works. Sometimes he confuses me with his sister and I realized that is when his brain is in a time period from years ago. I just tell him that his sister is in Florida and redirect to something else.

Like Ed1937 said it could be a UTI or some other medical issue that is making this last. The doctor explained to me that when someone with dementia gets a UTI or sometimes some other illness it exacerbates the problems with the memory.

Beachfan

Esquire, sorry you are here, but welcome! My DH died in April, 13 years since initial MCI dx and having resided in a MCF for 17 months at the end.

For a long time, DH didn’t know exactly who I was. He knew I was always around and my role was caregiver. He would ask ”Where is she?” when I wasn’t within sight. On our 50th wedding anniversary, I asked him if he knew what he was doing 50 years ago today. I said, you were waiting for me to walk down the aisle to marry you. He said, “Lucky you!” Several years later, at his MCF, a caregiver teased him, saying, you better behave ; your wife is here. He replied, “Which one?” (By that time, very little that he said made any sense, so we all appreciated his reaction.)

Now that I am passing through stage 8, I can look back and smile at the several things that once hurt my heart. I think about my little granddaughter who wanted to visit DH in MC. I warned her that Pop might not know her. She never skipped a beat. “Don’t worry, Mimi, he will remember me in his heart.” Stay strong; better days are ahead.

REsq

All of your comments have been so helpful. I am so glad I joined this group. We have been married for 23 years and it has been wonderful. So I never expected it would be me that he would not recognize. It is difficult when he wants to start looking for the checkbooks and car keys. He begins to think someone is going to take “his” things away from him. The primary care Dr. says there is no UTI. He tested him again for that. Blood work showed bilirubin is high. The Dr. ordered a CT Scan of the brain and abdomen which were just performed this week. There is an MRI scheduled for next week. My husband refuses to go back to the neurologist because he doesn’t like the neurologist. The neurologist’s bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired and while I can overlook that, my husband can’t. The primary care doctor told my husband he can prescribe the medication that the neurologist has prescribed. Now the primary care doctor says he wants a neurology follow-up and that there are not many local neurologists. It seems like there are major leaps of progression all of a sudden.

Joe C.

Esquire, I went through the same situation with DW’s first neurologist. I thought it was just my wife but overtime I met other people that had seen this neurologist and all of the confirmed he as a jerk. It took me a while to get DW to see another neurologist. I made up a fiblet that she was going to the a new doctor to get evaluated for sleep apnea. I told the neurologist before had and she played along by asking DW questions about her sleep patterns before moving on to cognitive testing.

ghphotog

Yes, that's pretty par for the course. My DW hasn't known me as her hustband for several years.. It's wierd, She remembers nothing about our 28 years together and if I tell her she's my wife she looks at me and laughs but when I pick her up from daycare she'll tell everyone her husband is here. Go figure.

CindyBum

I'm so very sorry. So far, I can only imagine how much that hurts, but I know it's coming for me too. Sigh

REsq

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194246#Comment_194246

Thank you for sharing this. That is a great idea about getting him to go to another neurologist. Now the hard part is finding one.

Jazzma

We are just getting to the stage that my DH frequently doesn't know who I am or where we are. He often wants to 'go home' in the evening. Yesterday he said we had to have a difficult discussion, and told me that he has another partner and needs to talk with her too. He said maybe he and I need some space from each other. We've been married for 32 years and I've been with him 24/7 for 4 years now as a sole caretaker, so I know it's the dementia talking -- but It really made me mad (which seems funny now) and I was tempted to tell him to call a cab and take all the space he needed!

It's another step on a painful road.

Judy.T.

My DH thinks I am the maid because I am always doing the laundry. LOL When our daughter heard him say this she cried. He may not know who I am but he knows and remembers the love!

Dementia sucks and is painful not only to the one with it but all family too. Sorry for your pain.

REsq

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194426#Comment_194426

So sorry you are going through this. I totally understand how awful this is. Some nights my husband closes the bedroom door and suggests I sleep on the sofa.

My DH who does not recognize me as his wife becomes agitated because he doesn’t have a key to my car and the checkbooks are gone. He keeps searching for them. He demands that I give him the key and that I let him drive, which I refuse to do. He wants to know who told me to be here at the house. He doesn’t know where she has gone, I assume he means me, his wife. He told the primary care doctor he did not know where his wife was and I was sitting right there next to him. The doctor is having scans done but in the meantime my husband goes from calm to agitated and then eventually back to calm. The primary care doctor is of no real help. He suggested I take my DH to the ER. That doesn’t seem like the answer.

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hiya

My DH not recognizing me was in stage 4/5. What stage did not recognizing you start with your LO? Curious

REsq

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194541#Comment_194541

Part of my problem is that our family care dr. told my husband two years ago that he didn’t have to go back to the neurologist he referred us to. My husband saw the neurologist one time in November 2022 and the neurologist gave us a medication schedule which adjusted the medication dosage that the family doctor had prescribed. The neurologist had a pretty offensive demeanor. No one has ever explained the stages my husband is going through. I have done a lot of research and attended webinars but I feel so lost. The family doctor told his staff and the on call Dr. to just tell us to go to the ER if we called. When I told the family dr.’s nurse today that I wanted the dr. to prescribe a medication to calm my husband’s nerves, she said she would try to send an email to the dr. but he probably would not respond until next week.

hiya

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a doctor issue on top of everything. I believe it maybe time to find a Dr that is more familiar with Alzheimer’s and responds. My husband is under a memory clinic and they usually respond. They prescribe anxiety, depression and antipsychotic meds. I’ve seen several members on here that have luck with geriatric psychiatrists. You are definitely in the right place here as the members have lots of experience. You can find lots of help, support and know you are not alone on this crazy journey. Good luck.