When to Move Spouse to Memory Care Facility

jsc409

My 74 year old wife’s dementia has rapidly worsened. When the time comes for a professional memory care facility, what steps can I take to prepare her for the move?

Joe C.

Welcome but sorry you needed to seek out our community. To start you should begin by touring some memory care facilities and ask a lot of questions. Questions like: Can my LO age in place? Will you hand feed her if it reaches that point? Do you use a homer lift if required. Do you crush meds and mix with pudding/yogurt if needed? Some MCF will allow your LO to age in place while others will not allow the PWD to stay past a certain point.

The MCF will have suggestions about how best to handle the move but I would advise against discussing if with your wife, it will likely just make her agitated.

If you have not done so already, see a Certified Elder Law Attorney ASAP to get your legal and financial house in order.

Ernie123

I would second Joe C’s advice about no discussion concerning the move. It is your decision to make. Remember an important part of your DW’s condition is the loss of cognitive ability. She has lost the ability to understand a complicated situation and the required course of action. Trying to discuss a move will undoubtedly cause agitation and argument without any comprehension. Even if she could understand and agree on a good day, she wouldn’t remember the next day.

Dealing with dementia often requires using white lies to best care for your LO. Rational discussion is not possible. When the moving day comes, just take her to the facility and let the staff take over. They are used to this and are trained to settle new residents. You will probably be shooed out because your presence would be a distraction. The evening we dropped my DW at the facility the staff distracted her and told me and our children to quietly disappear. I phoned in for a few days and was told she was doing well, confused but not upset.

With hindsight I realize the move was much harder on me than her, but very necessary for us both.

Phoenix1966

Just adding that along with checking to see if the MC allows residents to age in place, please check to see if they have any Medicaid beds available in case you do not have LTC insurance or might not be able to private pay for the duration of your wife’s residency. Many places that do have a few Medicaid beds often set those aside for residents who have private paid for a few years.

Also, start touring facilities now. Oftentimes, they have wait lists so you will want to get on the one for your favorite choice as soon as possible.

jsc409

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194251#Comment_194251

I really appreciate your very thoughtful response.