plan B options

Dunno

I've been researching memory care facilities in my area as part of my plan B and came across something new: a 2-bedroom unit within a larger memory care complex that accommodates the healthy spouse, (basically I would live there too). At first, I thought it sounded a bit strange, but, it might actually be a good option. It would make the transition much easier for her.

I would love to hear from anyone who encountered this type of arrangement or had any experience with it? ..Thanks

M1

I have heard of similar arrangements; sounds like a pretty good option, all things considered. My partner's first facility had a couple who lived together, although I think both had multiple medical problems, I wouldn't have called one healthy and the other not.

Dunno

Thank you, M1. It does seem like there would be advantages to this approach, and yes, calling one 'healthy' is definitely a stretch. However, as you mentioned about your wife's first facility, I'm not envisioning this as a permanent solution. I imagine it more as a temporary bridge for her to adjust ."

"By the way, Plan A is to keep her home and take care of her. However, after reading about the experiences of well-intentioned caregivers, I'm starting to wonder if it might be unrealistic."

M1

Dunno, over the two and a half years ive been on these boards some people are able to keep their LO home for the entire time, and others are not. The circumstances vary, and I think it is wise to have an alternative mapped out. It is rare for someone to go to MC and then leave, but that has also happened occasionally. Good for you for making plans.

Joe C.

Dunno, I considered a MC unit where I could stay with my spouse and spoke with the intake director about doing so, she advised me against it. She told me that I was too active/social/young and doing so would be very difficult for me. I remember her saying, “you know how difficult it is living with one person with dementia, know think about living with 18.” Since DW has been in MC I have seen one couple that attempted this arrangement, after about two weeks I saw the husband leaving with his suitcase and telling a staff member, “I just can’t do this”. My wife is in a stand alone MC, no Assisted Living.

I do know of a couple who moved into an AL facility with a MC wing. When the husband required more service than were offered on the AL side, he moved to MC wing while the wife remained in the AL unit. With this arrangement the well spouse has more active fellow residents to engage with. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

@Dunno

My gut reaction would be a big h*!! NO.

This doesn't see all that novel an idea. Many people who discuss the downsides of your Plan A is that at a certain point you will find yourself living in a nursing-home-for-one. You could certainly accomplish the same by both of you moving into a CCRC that offers a range of living options from independent living cottages to AL apartments to personal care/MC suites to SNF all on one campus. There were a couple of folks in my IRL support group who opted for this lifestyle and it typically went well for them. I kind of fail to see the benefit to this is an all-dementia facility.

FWIW, many MCFs and people who are considered dementia experts offer the advice when moving your LO into a MCF, that you avoid visiting them in the first 2-4 weeks in order to encourage them to bond with and get used to their new caregivers. In your Plan B, you would just be kicking the can down the road.

It's also possible that your DW might not accept caregiving from others if you are available. My dad could be pretty insistent-- toddler-like even-- about who took care of him. If I went over to stay with him so mom could go to an appointment, he'd refuse lunch saying he'd eat when my mom came back and made his lunch or refuse the sweater I got for him insisting only mom knew which he wanted.

I wonder if this trend is driven more by MCFs that struggle with staffing as a way to operate with a skeleton crew rather than something to benefit PWD and their caregivers. I can see a bunch of suits sitting around a boardroom with one sharp-pencil proposing a plan by which they can charge a spouse room&board while expecting them to pick up a portion of the caregiving duties rather than attracting more staff by paying a living wage which would, of course, make the monthly cost to families even higher. It's brilliant really.

HB

mrahope

Hello, Dunno,

I will simply add my cousin's experience with this kind of thing. Her DH had dementia and had been physically aggressive. Eventually, my cousin (who suffers from mental illness herself) and her spouse were moved into the same AL facility. During the time they were both there, he was moved into a more memory care like wing, while she remained in the "apartment-like" portion. Good news was she got a break, bad news was that every time she visited him on "his side" he yelled at her and she got terribly traumatized. It was agony for them both.

The end of the story is that my cousin's DH passed away of heart issues within a few months. My cousin has moved to another AL closer to her sister and is much debilitated from the ordeal. Very sad.

YMMV, but I agree you have to consider all alternatives. This is why CCRCs exist...IMHO

wizmo

I have seen a few variations on this 2-person residency option - a larger suite like 2 bedrooms (one place was willing to knock out a wall or install a connecting door), adjoining standard rooms with shared jack & jill bathroom, separate rooms with one in MC and one in associated AL/IL. Seemed mostly aimed at couples already in AL together and one needing to step up to MC but other still needing some services. There was not a huge break in cost for the (more) well partner so this adds to an already expensive living situation. I was advised to consider it only temporary (like a month) to possibly ease the transition as it would not be a good place for me to return to a more normal life, unless it were the nearby IL where I could have my own complete apartment but easy access to visit MC any time. Immersion into MC with not just your LO but a dozen or more PWD seems like the best argument against double occupancy. I am inclined to follow the standard process of staying away and letting staff handle initial adjustment to placement, then figure out what visitation schedule works for us.

Kibbee

Harshedbuzz - your comments about facilities using a live/in spouse as adjunct caregivers hit home with me. My mother was my father’s full time caregiver for many years as his neurological disability progressed from walking with a cane, to using a walker, to needing a wheelchair. Eventually a medical crisis occurred that landed him in a SNF. At first we were relieved that she would finally (at age 84) be getting a caregiving break. But turned out not so much. She chose to be at the SNF every day, from first thing in the morning until his bedtime. She was a retired RN with patient care knowledge and skills, and the SNF staff figured out pretty quickly how much of his care they could (in my opinion) dump on her. My mother, instead of getting back to a more normal and restful life, just became more exhausted, but nothing we said would convince her to ease back. (And no, this wasn’t some dedicated love-of-my-life thing, since they often annoyed each other, and sniped and argued on the regular.)

Having witnessed that, I have decided that if DH ever goes into a facility, I will visit and be supportive, but in a reasonable manner. And I will make darn sure the staff is providing every bit of the care we will be paying for.

JDancer

There's a thread titled "My DW's caregiver"hat addresses the non dementia spouse providing care I'd guess this happens frequently, which is unfortunate.

terei

One of the points of MC, IMO is so that the PWD becomes used to NOT depending on the spouse + becomes accustomed to the staff + other residents of the facility.

If you cannot live your life ‘at will’ because you are living with her, I think this is not a good idea + would not encourage this as a solution for long term care

Dunno

Thank you all for your help. This is a remarkable place...Where else could anyone get this kind of insight?