New to this transition

MN774

Hi everyone,

Quilted Brings Calm wrote thoughtful suggestions to Catminor that were really helpful for me. I am new to the forum and saw that message about the process of getting parents into a care facility. I have a very similar scenario as many of you - my 85 year-old dad went into the hospital for a week in early December, rehab for a month and now transitioning (waiting for a bed) in LTC. He was fine and actually happy at first about being there - getting good meals (he wasn't eating well before), 24/7 care, especially with incontinence issues, and he has lots of friends who visit him. However, in the last couple of weeks he has become agitated, angry, and pleading, begging, demanding me that he come home. It is so hard to talk with him when he is on this track. I am in California and he is in NH, so I try to call him regularly, but I just dread our phone calls. Fortunately my brother is close by, and I am lucky that we are both on the same page and feel that we are doing the right thing for him. Yet I feel so much guilt about it, especially when he is begging me to go home and "have one more chance." He has mobility issues, and has been diagnosed with dementia and recently the doctor indicated that he is exhibiting symptoms of psychosis and paranoia.

This is all so new - I am really struggling with our decisions, hoping that we are doing the right thing. I am glad that I found this forum.

~Mare

M1

Welcome to the forum. These pleadings are heartbreaking, and many of us have heard them--continue to hear them even after long stints in MC/LTC. You are doing the right thing, though, and as is often said here, safety has to drive the decision-making. You may want to speak with his docs about medication tweaks that might help with the anxiety as well as the paranoia. You may also need to come up with excuses that you can recycle. Don't tell him he's never coming home; tell him that the docs still think he needs the extra help for now, or something similar. My partner has been in MC for 21 months and was completely miserable until we moved to a new facility at the end of April this year; now she is less miserable, but still asks every visit about when she can come live with me. Fortunately she has no sense of time, so it has worked to tell her that she is there to get physical therapy on her back and to recuperate from a recent hospitalization. I brag to her that she has the nicest room in the place and that everyone there loves her (which is actually true). But it still tugs at my heartstrings every time, as she has no memory of our actual home.

MN774

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194425#Comment_194425

Thank you M1 for your thoughtful reply and helpful suggestions. My brother and I have been in communication with my father's doctors and they will be prescribing my father with some medication to relieve some of the anxiety and paranoia. I think what often goes through my head is if we made the choice to move him to LTC too prematurely, how do you know when the right time is? Yet when I look at the evidence - his inability to properly care for himself, hygiene issues, mobility issues, memory issues - I think that at least he is safe and finally getting the care, nutrition, and attention that he needs. I found your advice about recycling some excuses about coming home and why he needs to be there very helpful. Thank you so much and I'm sorry that you and your partner are also going through this. It really is never easy, is it?

terei

I had luck blaming it all on the doctors. ‘You have to stay here + get better til the doctor says you’re better. There is nothing I can do

against doctor’s orders’.

MN774

This has proven to be a difficult angle to take with my father - I talked to him on the phone today and tried everything that you and M1 suggested, and he pretty much said a lot of cuss words about the doctors orders and told me that if he didn't get out of there by the end of the week that he "was going to die." He has no memory that the doctor visited him or that the PT staff have been working with him. I tried to change topics and he kept going back to "get me home, get me out of here." I was literally shaking when having this conversation with him. He's so used to being in control that this change is, I'm certain, overwhelming. Before he went into the facility he was having hallucinations and told my brother and I that he was losing his mind. Now all he does is yell at me - I can't take it.

M1

Then don't call him for a while, just stay in touch with the staff about how he's doing. It's very early days yet. He may not have a sense of time, so that even though you may feel guilty about the lack of contact, he won't be aware of it.

Because of similar complaints, I could not visit my partner alone for the entire first year she was in MC. It's been better since we changed facilities at the end of April, but it remains a challenge-i was there yesterday for three hours and it was nonstop "when am I going to get out of here ." fortunately our case appears somewhat unusual in that regard, most seem to adapt more than my partner has.

Do not feel guilty. Keep telling yourself that.

MN774

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194648#Comment_194648

Thank you M1 for your words of encouragement - you have been so helpful for me as I struggle with this new shift in how we care for my father. I read on another post of your own health issues, and hope that things are getting better for you. I am especially grateful that you offer such sage advice when you are also going through your own struggles. Thank you for your kindness and support. 💚