Elder Care Consult

wose

I have one of those 15 minute consults scheduled for Monday with a CELA. Should I include my DH in on the call? I’ve told him I’m going to make an appointment, but I don’t think he knows why. I feel like he needs to be part of this. And then again for the in person meeting, soon I hope. He’s kinda distrustful (since the driving episodes), but I would like to include him in discussions. Thank You

terei

No, I would not include him in the discussions. If your husband was of sound mind, yes he would certainly be able to add useful comments+ have his wishes be known. In the interests of clarity + brevity (15 minute consult) I would have an outline of what I wanted to talk about so you cover what you need to know. The CELA will have to know your H’s level of disease….is this something you want to lay out in front of your H?

There is no upside at all to include someone in the discussion who could be confused or react illogically. He may become more distrustful if he ‘disagrees’ with any of your comments. Frankly, I would not even tell him about the appointments. How is it beneficial to either of you? JMO

wose

Thank you for the sound advice. I posted this on the parent site instead of spouse.

darcytg

I would enlist the support of one of the alzheimers association care consultants to talk it through with before making a decision.

800.272.3900

I agree with terei in my gut. Still, helps to have a professional when navigating these spaces.

Above all be kind to you and stay safe.

Quilting brings calm

Wose

i would do this appointment alone and get everything started. You will bring your spouse to the appointment when there is something for him to sign. I wouldn’t discuss it with him until then. I have been told that CEL/s can discuss things with PWD in such a way they are encouraged to sign.

here’s why I say not to discuss it with him first: my mom was happy to sign a POA for me. I asked my step-dad to do so and you’d have thought the world was ending. He still thinks I’m trying to get his money 4 years later. So I will never get him to sign one- even though I’ve told him that means that at some point the state will be making decisions for him.

Emily 123

It's a struggle early on to not include the person with dementia (PWD) in decision making. But if they get upset it exacerbates their resistance and anger at the situation. That can snowball and make achieving your objective very difficult. At this point 'less is more' in terms of his participation. I wouldn't include him in a 15 minute prep call, but you can share your concerns about how to handle the later meeting with the CELA. If your husband's still able to empathize, maybe tell him about a 'friend' whose husband was seriously ill and she had no plan in place to help her during a stressful time. Don't approach it as planning for his disease progression if he's resistant or unaware that he has dementia. You can tell him you're getting your POA done too.

I had to get used to this new role with my mom by thinking of her dementia as a traumatic brain injury, as that made it easier for me to envision the damage to her brain and resist the urge to pull her in to decision making that she was no longer able to navigate.

You'll have to clearheadedly look at the situation and decide what the end goal is, what's the path of least resistance, and what reduces wear and tear on you--you're a key player here, and your health is just as important. This is a marathon.

wose

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194548#Comment_194548

Thank you so much for your great suggestions , it helps.